A letter from me to You

Ah if you can read this entry..it either means you are inquisitive enough or you care enough. For the former, congratulations on breaking the simple code. For the latter, I thank you for caring enough to take that extra step to read what I write. You will probably read things I don't talk much about or some things very close to heart..if you care enough to read it, I would like to give my sincere appreciation here.

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Dear God,

The year is drawing to an end again. I have not been a good girl. Some things I did right. Some things I had to learn my lessons again. I am sorry I had to learn them again. I shouldn't...but I had to.

Dear God, this year, I was not determined enough. I didn't reach where I wanted to be and in fact pretty far off. Please help me to stay on my decision for 2006 and that I may finally embark on my journey that I had set out 3 years ago. Dear God, please help me to be the person and achieve my career and financial goals. Please give me clearer direction of where I am to head. I have seen more and more of it as the years passed. May they be clearer and may I be nearer to them in the year ahead.

Dear God I am still better off than I was last year and I have learnt new lessons about managing people and business. May they guide me and may good lessons continue to come..thank you.

Dear God..I am very blessed. I am blessed with many gifts. You gave me so much..normal body, a thinking mind, ability to sing and dance, so much...what do you have in mind Father? If you have to give me hard lessons, there must be a greatness I am meant to achieve. Father, please let 2006 be the year. I had looked forward to 2005. In a way, I am closer yet not any closer. Father please let it begin...

Dear God, I thank you that I have so many wonderful people in my life. I thank you for my friends, my family..that after so many years, they are still around. I am glad that I have learnt to appreciate them more. Dear God, please help me love them more and be a positive addition to their lives. Please help me to love others more, to give more, to serve more.

Dear God, there's someone who needs loving from me. That's me. Please help me love myself more and that I may do this with equal selflessness to others and myself. I am thankful that I have finally made the decision to move out. This has made me much more appreciative of my family. For that I am very thankful. I thank you for new good friends I found such as my team people, an unexpected client turned friend, renewal of relations with my long time buddies. I love them all..Dear God, please keep them in your blessings in the year ahead. May their lives be full of happiness and joy ahead.

Dear God, this year I had some new experiences..some of which I think many will not understand or perceive correctly. Some I look back and hate myself for it...that I knew I had broken lines..lines I had never broken, didn't want to and will never want to again. I am thankful that I have expanded my boundaries. I am thankful that I know I can go further if I wanted to but will not feel sorry for should I decide never to go the path again. I am thankful for the liberation of freedom of choice in an informed decision.

Dear God...the thing that I didn't want to write about. The thing I always found it hard to write honestly about.

Dear God, someone once told me..in this lifetime, one of my life lessons is to learn about love. This year I added new experiences in this area of different types of relationships that can occur. After the last major incident that taught me about the giving side of love, I had some small interludes in between that taught me about the other side of relationships that I never knew.

But Dear God, the last lesson must have been insufficient because Dear God, I fell in love again. I never expected it, didn't even see it with the person in question in the beginning but it happened. I took my precautions because I didn't want the same thing again. But it happened too fast and perhaps it only happened one way. Dear God, I thought after the last major incident, the hard lessons were finally coming to an end...but I was wrong. The lessons were even harder and harsher this time.

Dear God, I found courage only to be inflicted by the lack of it in return. It was the same thing all over again. I had wanted to believe in him even though I had feared the same. But he did not do the same. Perhaps because it had been such a great leap of faith that the lesson is hard this time. Dear God, it taught me a lot...not bitterness..but good things...the things that really matter.

Dear God, I lost my tongue. I didn't know the right things to say and do to make him happy. I didn't know the things to do to make him stay but I know if someone wanted to leave, there was nothing I could do either. Dear God, maybe I was really wrong. Maybe I was really played out. Somehow, I can't seem to tell myself that completely. It might have been the case but I cannot deny the bits of truth here and there..Dear God, I am sorry if I am delusional.

Dear God, I once heard that sometimes it hurts so much you wish it never happened in the first place. There were times when I wish I would wake up and not remember a thing. I have my regrets but if given a choice and life happened all over again, I think I will still choose to have him in my life. I think I am thankful for the brief moment of happiness. Till today, there are still episodes that bring a smile or laughter to my face should I recall it.

Dear God, I truly felt happy..in a long time..I finally felt really happy and peaceful. I didn't know how to tell him how happy I felt to have him in my life. I didn't know how to tell him I appreciated the things he had done for me and that it was really enough. I didn't know how to tell him I felt happy enough to naturally feel that I didn't need to look around. A strange sense of satisfaction I have not felt in a long time. I didn't know how to tell him..that someone had to tell him for me in a joke that I had to brush aside for sake of peace. I don't know if he will appreciate it even if he knew.

Some things I could never bring myself to say because I don't think they were what he wanted to hear and it was totally illogical and foolish of me. I finally understood what it meant that if you love someone, you have to let them go if they want to leave. If distance is what would make you happy then distance I will give. I am not bitter or angry truthfully. Alternative arrangements or good friendship is frankly good for me but I don't want to create any more impressions of pressure.

Dear God, for everything that has been good or a lesson, I thank you that I am able to wake up every morning, that I have family, friends and much more than many less fortunate than me. Dear God, please stay with me for the year to come.

Dear God, Thank you very much.