Speech. Pictures. Life.

Sometimes things happen and you don't really know why. You may have done things to make it happen or perhaps it was a misunderstanding. There is a time you will want to salvage. There is a time where you just don't know if doing is helping. There is a time where you just give up and accept silence.

I don't know whether to talk or not to. Yeah people who know me know me as flamboyant (this blew me off frankly), outgoing and full of crap ha. In a way, my work requires me to. You might be surprised to know I would like to be the opposite. Maybe that's why I like guys who talk little but make sense when they do...silent killer as they may call. I find such guys intriguing and they impress me more.

I have talked a lot more over the years and yet spoken less....yeah increasing amount of crap but also less of the things that really make me laugh or cry. It struck me when my best friend told me "Girl, these days, everything about you is P&C." Private and confidential for those who do not know.

No, it's not because I don't trust the people who care enough. In fact I am so touched that after these years, they still do. Myabe I just feel sad to have to repeat some stories because it only showed I didn't learn my lesson and they have to feel sad for me again. Pride? Perhaps. I do not like S&M, not physical or emotional. How can anyone possibly want to wake up in tears, go to sleep in more tears and find it tiring to welcome a new day because the waking hours feel worse than being dead?

I think over the years I have become terrible at communicating, particularly to the ones who matter. Yes I don't like it. Maybe somewhere along the road, I lost the ability to make those I want to make happy, happy. I don't know how to convey to them how much I care, how much they matter or how much they hurt me when they do. I am either just too objective for general acceptance or seemingly too subjective..depending on how you look at it. I don't think hard enough. I am too emotional and yet I can be so emotionless at times (for those who find this hard to believe, yes a friend told me).

Maybe that's why I wanted to spend a year away if I could. That day a friend asked me "what is your new year resolution this year?" I didn't really say the things I had wrote down for the year. One thing I did say and not write down because I knew it innately.

This year, I want to find CLEARLY my direction. I have some concrete goals for work and business. It is the higher direction I am looking for. I want to find myself. I know the fuzzy picture but a fuzzy picture is just not good enough. Not anymore. I need to do some photoshop to that picture.

WAHHHH...sounds up there in the clouds. It sure does. Have you ever gone for a long walk and sat down to rest and ask yourself "Where am I going? Has the road been right? What is the road ahead?". It feels a little like that to me.

During that nice cigar session , my friend said something which I agree. Sometime when you want some things, you need to make sacrifices. People who have known me for a while thinks that I am still keeping some things in my life because people know it's been such a huge part of my life. It still is because I came to realise that some things, you cannot change. I cannot be someone else but I can learn how to control it or more like say goodbye because I have chosen some things over others.

I will only know if it becomes true and I have fulfilled my decision at the end of the year. So some things...let me keep it for a while ok?

I would like to travel...see things...have my own business..have my own teams. I would like to write this blog with titles like "London Day One, Venice Day Three, New York Day Ten, A New Team is Born" and many more. I would like to fill these pages with colourful pictures and exciting stories.

One day...I would like to make you smile again...if that day ever comes.

@-;--