26 Candles

Nope it’s not time yet but the festivities have already started. I have puked the third time of my life…kinda guessed I won’t b able to escape it. I had hoped to write this nearer to the day itself but well like I say, the festivities have started. This must be my longest post in a while.

Ok it’s an annual post after all so I shall be a little more somber. *reader must be thinking “even more than usual????”. Too bad, my royal pre indulgence once a year…maybe there will be a post one. Go read the notebook instead for light things. I will be writing about my last trip soon!

It is during this time I feel the height of love from those who care. I truly appreciate how friends would take time out to celebrate and spend time with me…how they would go out of their way to make me happy…how they would put up with my willful requests...it’s very touching when I think about it.

Let’s talk about birthdays.

Birthdays are days that people look forward to but for me, it’s become a day to receive and yet run away from…an anniversary of sorts. It’s become a period of very extreme mixed feelings for me.

I think ever since my last birthday, it’s become more than ever, a time to reflect how I have progressed from year to year and to remember the important lesson of being truly who I am…to appreciate life for the lessons I receive and yet decide on the path I believe to be me and no one else.

I thank life and a particular friend for giving me a birthday last year that I probably will never forget this lifetime. I thank him for making me understand another side of life and people and how I came to see the importance of making decisions with open eyes and to see all kinds of things to reach an informed decision in the end.

The price of this lesson was the weight that would come along with this day every year.

I believe this weight will decrease over the years. I think some people will think I really liked my birthday last year. The truth is, I appreciate the exposure I received but there are things that make this day a very heavy day for me to remember and receive. If there was an event to mark the climax of the happiness and heartache of last year, that will be it. I love birthdays but a part of me hated this day ever since.

In the past, I would have planned to go crazy during this time. Now, I would simply love simplicity and quiet during this time…to spend time with family and close ones in very simple activities. As the day came nearer, more and more I wanted to experience peace and quiet. I think as we grow older, this feeling grows. You start to really appreciate the people who really matter and the simple things that make you happy.

I had planned to leave the country for this period of time but alas it was not to be done. Thus, I have planned very simple things for myself…simple things that I enjoy.

Above all people, I wanted to spend it with my parents…my mother whom I had spent many years defying and perhaps more importantly my father, of whom I love and care deeply about but would never find the words to express to him so. A couple of friends know that my father, though well and alive, will always be a point of heartache to me. I have friends who lost their fathers and I guess I really should think harder treasuring my father who is still alive.

That brings me to people in your life. There are some people in life that you may care so deeply about and yet have so much difficulty showing it. My father is one such person. You can feel his care and yet he shows it in such a way that makes it hard for you to reciprocate nicely. I think we have fought too much to untangle the knots that have resulted. A lot of things are thus left unspoken. I guess we found a certain balance in the silence. Maybe I am just like him in this sense… we have too much pride.

There are times I would just like to sit down beside him and do nothing but simply be in an atmosphere that I would feel that we do not need to put up a wall between each other. I just want to experience peace between two people that is perhaps hard to find in everyday life.

In my ridiculous state last night, I had a few minutes of extreme sobriety that I experienced this feeling but it was not to be done as well. This was my only most true self moment of the night. I know because I was very clear at that moment. I could still be conscious enough to joke the whole night but this was the time I knew what I truly wanted. More than love, all I wanted was just peace and quiet with no pretense or defense. I wonder how many people understand how precious peace and silence can be. I don’t think we ever got round to that and I don’t think the opportunity will come again where we will both be completely defenseless thus this wish may never be fulfilled.

Let’s talk about love.

I think I vaguely remember someone asking me “Do I __fill in the blanks___?” Inspired by a song I heard last night, my answer is I gave it to the wind so that it will take everything away…slowly but surely. It’s not mine to have anymore and neither does it deserve me anymore unless it mends. I care but I do not wish to bear the weight of it on anyone including myself. In God I trust that when He granted my wish for the capacity to love, He would find me the right people for me to. I can feel it in my bones you may call it. Whatever life brings, it will be. I took a long time to get here. Don’t ask me why it took this long because I have no answer. I have found consolation in my renewed desire to take care of myself and that’s all I would like to think about.

However, I learnt there are many things that one can mistake for love but it’s far from it. Sometimes it’s compassion, sometimes it’s attachment and sometimes it’s just plain confusion. I think it is in the greatest depths we know what’s real and what’s not.

Someone said I was a closet ______. I actually hate people to touch me unless they are people I am very close to or comfortable with letting them touch me. There are even close friends that I would prefer them not to touch me. How do you possibly categorize someone like that as a closet ________?

Talk about wishes. I was asked what my birthday wish was. It’s really cliché stuff…the usual more money, better love, better health and greater happiness etc. It was stuff I wish for everyday anyway so it really makes little difference.

I still have 4 years before I reach my first milestone of 30 and may I realize some of my dreams by then and no they do not have anything to do with finding a man. Going forward, some of the questions that have been bugging me have found their answers and I shall come to a decision soon. The picture ahead is showing itself slowly and it will be a beautiful one.

Talk about beautiful pictures…My current song of the moment…I used to hate it but the other day I heard this song and suddenly I saw visions of my wedding… am far from wanting to get married but it was beautiful indeed not to mention expensive to execute *laughs*. How do you know it’s a vision? I didn’t see the groom’s face so no need to expect any invitations from me for now. Maybe it’s a good sign of things to come? *laughs*


Kissing You
Des’ree

I can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul cries

Heaving heart is full of pain
Oh, oh the aching

‘Cos I’m kissing you
I’m kissing you oh

Touch me dear
Pure and true
Give to me forever

‘Cos I’m kissing you
I’m kissing you oh