Fear the Monster

I had wanted to write about this topic the same day as the previous entry. However, I didn't want to clutter the day with too many themes so this entry waited till today. My dreams over last few days also reaffirmed the desire to write about this topic.

The other night I had a dream I was diving into the deep blue sea and learning how to surf. I jumped off a plane in another one. In case you didn't know, I have a fear of heights and the sea when it's dark. In the dreams, however, I didn't have any inhibitions at all.

The topic I am writing is about fear.

Before I continue, I would like to share a passage from the same book..

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"Identify the things that are holding you back. Are you scared of speaking or do you have troubles in your relatiobshps? Do you lack a positive attitude or do you need more energy? Make a written inventory of your weaknesses. Satisfied people are far more thoughtful than others. Take the time to reflect on what it is that might be keeping you from the life you really want and know deep down you can have. Once you have identified what your weaknesses are, the next step is to face them head on and attack your fears. If you fear public speaking, sign up to give twenty speeches. If you fear starting a new business or getting out of a dissatisfying relationship, muster every ounce of your inner resolve and do it. This might be the first taste of real freedom that you have experienced in years. Fear is nothing more than a mental monster you have created, a negative stream of consciousness. "

"Fear is nothing more than a negative stream of consciousness? I like that. You mean all my fears are nothing more than imaginary little gremlins that have crept into my mind over the years?"

"Exactly, John. Every time they have prevented you from taking some action, you have added fuel to their fire. But when you conquer your fears, you conquer your life."

.....*left out some parts*......

"A baby could be trained to view a glorious sunny day as depressing. A child could be trained to see a puppy as a vicious animal. An adult could be trained to see a drug as a pleasant vehicle for release. It's all a matter of conditioning, isn't it?"

"Sure."

"The same holds true of fear. Fear is a conditioned response: a life-sucking habit that can easily consume your energy, creativity and spirit if you are not careful. When fear rears its ugly head, beat it down quickly. The best way to do that is to do the thing you fear: Understand the anatomy of fear. It is your own creation. Like any other creation, it is just as easy to tear it down as it is to erect it. Methodically search for and then destroy every fear that has secretly slid into the fortress of your mind. This alone will give you enormous confidence, happiness and peace of mind."

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Everyone has something they fear. It ranges from cockroackes to heights to new work and relationships. I was really surprised by the lack of fear I had in my dreams. I have things I fear in real life too. I think sometimes we fear it so much it stays in our consciousness and subconscious mind till it becomes the only thing we know and the only thing we will experience.

I wouldn't say this is entirely related to fear. Something happened while I was spending time with myself last weekend. There is something which I knew I had held for a long time but I did not want to acknowledge it so I was trying to deny it. Fear of what may happen if I did acknowledge it held me back.

However, I suddenly realised that no matter how I could try to hold it back, deny and push away, the fact remained somewhere in the depths of my being. I realised that with simple triggers, the truth will surface. Thus, I finally told myself to just admit it and accept it.

And then magic happened.

I felt a great sense of peace.

With that, I did something the next day that I never quite thought I would do. Sure there was initial inertia but another step took it away. I felt peace with it. I suddenly realised to let something go, you have to first let it in. It's something like attacking your fears I guess. The courage to admit, face and accept the fear allows oneself the peace and clarity to deal with it. Yes I am afraid of the possible consequences but I am also aware of how this simple action gave me the ease to do the things I was trying so hard to do. Facing the fear helped me to deal with me more than I had ever done by trying to deny it.

I also felt a sense of question. If I knew there was someone in me that I was capable of being, why do I keep that person in since it is who I want to be? That's when I decided. No discounting of oneself. Hope we all be the person we are truly meant to be :)

On a totally unrelated note... a friend said I am a very sensual person. My ex or half-ex whatever you call it, also said the same thing once. I wonder why. I am so rough at times and hardly civilised in my words at other times...sensual???? I also noticed at times I may wear normal clothes like a long wrap skirt and a tube and I was said to look sexy. Well I am sorry if the gal here is naturally sexy! *laughs* Just kidding :)

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