Infinity of emptiness

I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..

28 Oct 2005

I used this as my yahoo nick today and my friend said I should take it out so I don’t remind myself of it. I did but anyway will write about today.

Today I woke up feeling a deep sense of emptiness. I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Just laid there and stared into space. Couldn’t feel anything. Guess it’s the feeling of loss, feeling of feeling lost and a sudden collapse of the stress that’s been building. I spoke to a friend today and we both agree sometimes we just need to face the pain before we pick it up and go on.

The other day, a friend told me “Somehow I get the feeling you have not been very happy these few years.” That’s coming from a friend who doesn’t see me often. I think this morning I just felt the whole weight of the past 3 years fell on me. Recent developments remind me a lot of a similar period about 1 year plus ago. How things started from one or two areas and spiraled downwards. My spiritual teacher said with no knowledge about my life that, april and may this year was my best time. Looking back, she is right. It was the best time of this year that I could remember…when I was on top of the world in every area and everything felt right. At that time, I thought maybe after 2 years plus of up and down, maybe some form of rightness was in my life finally.

And you wonder how can something so right turn so wrong.

Sometimes I think and wonder, I have a big responsibility for how things have turned out these few years. Some people like to blame others. I don’t. It ends up me blaming myself instead. In case those in the know are wondering, I am talking about things in general and no I am not moping about the personal life bit. Decisions that maybe I should have taken or not done. But then again, what’s done been done. No point regretting. Without these little turns I think I wouldn’t learnt a lot of things, met a lot of people. Would I choose to go through everything again? Some yes, some no. Some I’d rather forget that it ever happened. But since they have happened, everything becomes something I cherish as part of life.

A friend asked..”Have you ever felt pain that is so intense you feel your heart squeeze?” Yes I have. You can almost hear it gasping for air. You almost feel like you need to hold your heart. But at least you can feel it. I felt it when I lost love. It seems like love doesn’t trust me but then again I don’t trust it either. It’s there, I know it but for now, our paths are not the same.

But, have you ever felt like you can’t feel anything? Like if you reach in, you will find nothing. It’s like your heart was completely eaten or broken that even if you wanted to, it’s not there for you to feel it. You can feel a tugging feeling, you can feel tears flow, but yet it’s so great that you can’t find words to describe it. I used to think that maybe people who have experienced pain will know how to cherish things better but I was wrong.

I think a great part is self disappointment. Loss makes me feel sad but I think self disappointment is the one that really hit me after everything. Maybe I expect too much of myself, but then again, I believe one should expect greatness of oneself if one is to be great. No goals, no results. And again, no I am not just talking about personal life stuff… If I am right, my friends who are reading this may think it’s due to a particular matter but I lost something yesterday that made me feel this way.

As I look back, the last time when I felt this, when I felt I lost a lot, I realized it prepared me for more things to come. I think, if I survived that, I can survive this. In trading terms, it’s like a retracement in an uptrend. Maybe I have to lose everything before I can pick up things to come.

But then again..No I did not lose everything. I am fortunate to have friends who care. Friends who ask me to smile, drive down to eat with me when they knew I was down, gave me flowers in the middle of the night so that I can feel happier. For that, I thank and appreciate you. It makes me feel very blessed and loved.

And in the fashion of ending things on a good note, I don’t know what to do but I know somehow I know I will make it. If there’s one thing I learnt over the last 3 years is that.. I am a survivor..not a good one and a slow one, but definitely one.