Thank you

As you may notice, I have a couple of posts that I didn't get to post till recently..For a while, I deliberated even whether I should publish them at all...but I decided I didn't want to cheat myself of my own life..

30 Oct 2005

Today, I want to write about a group of special people in my life. Yesterday I met up with my best friends who I could feel above everything else, they wanted me to be happy. It was nice catching up after so long. It was nice chatting and gossiping. And of course, they gave me an amazing gift *chuckle*

This morning, I was talking to one of my girlfriends who was telling me her man troubles. It became a morning of revelation for both of us. She was getting confused and frustrated with what was going on in her personal life with someone who seemed had a lot of emotional baggage and past hurt. Unknowingly and truthfully unknowingly, I told her the following:

“I don’t know if he’s the same but if I am right, and perhaps if he’s like me now, I would feel that words mean nothing, action speaks louder than words. Action speaks everything…The feeling is more important..I will take my time..If you push me, I would rather f**k it.. Saying is difficult..Taking a step is very difficult” blah blah.

And then, I caught myself.

So familiar.

I remember hearing these words few months ago. I even remember the place, the scene in my head. It was that point that I kinda understood what these words meant. In a warped way, I had become the person I could not understand. It’s really interesting when you find yourself talking to the person who reminded you so much of yourself previously and giving the same answers that caused you so much erm..should I say bewilderment.

For her, she began to understand the way he thinks and why he behaves the way he does. My guy friend would at this point say, “drop him and move on”. Well babe, it’s your choice. If he’s worth the wait and the fight, then by all means do, but it will be a long one and do you want to? Really want to? If you really want to, I have given you the things to do… you have a chance, make good use of it and don’t make my mistake. I wished I didn’t have to tell you all these because I learnt it but I hope it helps you.

For me, it suddenly helped me understand a lot of things better. I don’t want to find excuses but it just kinda felt like enlightenmemt. Understanding in a way helped me not to blame myself, though there are things I really wished I could have done better. Will you ever feel the same? I doubt it.

Or perhaps my friends were just right. Sometimes I ask myself too. I also don’t know whether I would like to agree with them. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t because no matter how bad my judgment is, what I felt cannot be wrong. It might have gone wrong but what I felt cannot be wrong. I can be self-delusional or perhaps wrong to a great extent but some part was right.

Back to the special people. I felt a great deal of love last night. I felt extremely blessed. Everyone has his or her own upheavals and I must say that I am very lucky this time. I am lucky that higher power gave me this opportunity to know that I am very much loved. If God hadn’t gave me love or the freedom I desire yet, He gave me everything else. I am very lucky that I have friends who are still around me, make me feel this great deal of love. I hope I will have the opportunity to show you how much I love you guys too. To all my friends, you know who you are, thank you for everything. Thank you for the love , the patience and just being there.

Dear God, maybe you are waiting for me to give you my toys so that you can give me a real pearl necklace. Maybe you are giving me one piece at a time so that I can make my own just as I am giving you one at a time. But dear God, thank you for everything.