Sands of Time. Change. God

I seem to write about pretty serious stuff here. Maybe because I see this as a place to write about life, lessons I learnt myself and from others and thoughts so it may seem “deep”. Sometimes you may find me repeating certain things. It could be the lesson was furthered delivered or perhaps the whole thinking or emotional state behind it has changed to one of retrospect but it may be written so subtly the reader doesn’t sense it.

The year is coming to an end again soon. Sometimes I look back and think I seemed to have not moved much from last year because I seemed to have come back to the same crossroad again and yet I know during this year I have changed a lot again. Sometimes I not too sure if I really like it. There are things I don't know if I am proud of, sometimes even wished never happen but I think was necessary to prepare me for the wisdom to make the right decisions. For that, I am thankful.

There are sadly, regrets...I hate regrets...which I hope to come to terms with some day. Recently, a few people from my past came back into my life again quite unexpectedly. All within a short span of time. I wonder if this means something. It's seems to be a little coincidental. Maybe it's a sign for me to look out for something because the timing seems to be a little uncanny. Maybe I am at a major road junction and this is my traffic light *laughs* It’s like you suddenly see major points in your life come revisit you again. I think if one more person comes back to talk to me, the picture will be very complete indeed *laughs*

There comes a point when every human being knows and sense change. Some changes are temporal, some are more far reaching than others. Amid confusion, I think deep down, we know when the former or the latter has occurred. You just know when it’s a temporary transformation or you will know some things will never be the same again. I can’t quite identify or describe it but somehow I just could feel it. It’s hard to explain so I think it may be hard for an external party to understand. Perhaps if the reader comes to such a stage, the reader will understand what I mean.

I have a blessed life, far blessed than many. Yet somehow, I sense I have aged a lot, or perhaps more positively, grown a lot over the last 3 years with the pace picking up each year. This process never stops. The last year particularly the last few months have made me understood a lot of things about life and people in answers that were presented to me in ways I never expected. Dear reader, sometimes answers don’t come to us in ways we wanted or expected. Instead, it may come from another person, another person’s question or problem. Knowing the answer through this way may not always be accurate or easy on the heart…but it’s an answer.

And now for a conversation with someone important…

Dear God,

I am sorry there are days when I don't feel like waking up in the morning. I am sorry there are days when I don't look forward to tomorrow. I am sorry there are times I can't hear you. I am sorry there are days when I wished you can take back some of the things you gave me. I am sorry sometimes I ask for the impossible. I am sorry if sometimes I have doubt or I don't know if you are there. I am sorry if sometimes I am just so slow. I am sorry there are times I am not as kind as I like to be. I am sorry if sometimes you have to get to extreme measures to get to me. I am sorry sometimes I don't really know what you'd like me to be, go or do. I am sorry there are times I don't love myself as much as I should.

Dear God,

I know you will not bring me to lessons that I am not capable of overcoming. Perhaps I have become a slow learner. I am thankful that in all time I never blamed you. I am thankful you gave me the ability to see your lessons in all good and bad. I thank you for sending me angels in spirit, in angels that walk this earth, in people who have been become a part of my life or passed in and out of my life. I thank you that I have all the abilities a normal human being has and that I don't have additional disabilities to overcome. I am thankful for light in darkness. I am thankful that end of the day, I am alive.

Dear God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Please grant me courage to overcome my weaknesses, to take steps forward and not be held down by things I cannot change. Please grant me strength to stand for myself and those I love. Please grant me strength and determination to live everyday that comes. Please grant me the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. I have asked for a heart of compassion before. Please grant me this heart more, the compassion to love myself, my loved ones, those who have hurt me, those who need compassion. Please grant me direction and wisdom to myself and people around me. Please grant me the ability to be a bigger person than I have ever been. Please grant me the ability to see light in darkness, hope in adversity. Please grant me the ability to love. Please grant me the ability to forgive when all fails.

I am not always sure I ever knew or will ever know who you really are but I know you are always in my heart and soul even if no one can really tell me the answer. I know it isn’t always obvious or clear…but I do love you.