I’m OK

I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..

7 Oct 2005

I think the other day things just fell over the cliff and fell into place. I think end of the day, I just want to find peace with myself. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in a while. I feel better to deal with certain issues, some of which I may not have been ok with before. Today is again a personal post, no column like stuff.

First I wanna share something a friend showed me..it's off a tv series called The L Word..good show that one.. it goes like :

"I lift my glass, to caring, kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then I wish you forgiveness." .."When everything is impossible, try forgiveness"... I like this statement..To me, this is a simple yet profoundly difficult thing to do.

To you, if you ever see this though I doubt you will… I think one of our major problems is our slow ability to clear and understand each other’s expectations. I noticed everytime it came to a critical point, it just gets glossed over and it becomes a boil that eventually bursts and make us even more upset. At the start, it was like that. At the end, it was like that. Even with my “proposal” after, we never really discussed on how best to manage the situation so that it is stress free for us both. As a result, sometimes I got confused on how to approach you or whether I would create any misunderstandings if I did. If properly managed, could be quite fun actually ha ha.

Now for some clearing of old skeletons in the closet first. Spring cleaning is always good.

There are times I wondered what if that fateful msn conversation that started the whole string of events never happened? What would be the situation today? Where would we have gone from there? Will we still be "together"? Would we have been happy? What was so hard because it happened so suddenly right at the peak of things? Too many what ifs that seriously plagued me for a while. I wondered why is it I had to accept a decision of which I can't even fight, based on worries that haven't happened, didn't knew what had happened in the past and maybe not committed by me? Like I said before, two people not being able to be together is not a sad thing. It is when two people actually liked each other (then at least) and can't be together due to misunderstandings or circumstances. I don't like to leave what ifs in my life because regret sticks for a long time. They will be things I will never know because I know you will never say. I hate to assume and I think that was one downfall too- too many assumptions on both ends. One of the gals actually said if we could both just turn a little, maybe we will see each other a lot more and things may turn out much better.

There are a few things that I stick by from beginning to today. There are a few actually. One would be that it was never an issue of mistrust from me to you. From beginning right to the end, I never doubted or wanted to interrogate you. From the first time I sent you off to your meeting with your gal fren, you won my trust and I never looked back. That was not easy, given my little faith in men (if you remember). The next thing is that the divide between us was a thin yet wide one. It was so easy to save because the situation itself was easy. It was the old baggage that made it hard. You mentioned before you are glad we found each other at this point of our lives. I used to wish you could have more faith in that statement but maybe it would be better if we had met at a time when old baggage didn't matter anymore. I saw the possible rainbow after the storm but you saw the possible wreckage. When I tried alternative means of communicating because you didn't want to talk, it turned out I was giving the impression of forcing you. Strange I thought then, cos I had always told you you didn't need to respond neither did I question you for not replying. It is so strange how things can be perceived in such different ways...it's almost like a comedy of errors.

You asked me how I could forgive and forget. It's never easy. I gave you my answer and you thought I was trying to change you. As a special note..To ladies, never sit around hoping for a man to change. It's good if he does for you but frankly, it'll probably never happen. This is something I learnt from 3 years ago. Moreover, if you can't accept a man's package as he is and hope to change him, why not just find any Tom, Dick or Harry and tailor him to your tastes. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache. And to you, as unbelievable as it may seem, I liked you the way you were and I was not asking for more..be it time, affection and so on. I had a feeling and I just wanted to know if I was right or wrong. Probably hard to picture but yeah, I chose a bad way of communicating that. My bad.
It hadn't been easy, but I have finally decided to let all the question marks lay to rest and may they rest in peace. You say you wanna have someone to blame..I wished I could because that would have made things so easy but deep down I can't. It taught me good things on faith and space. If you tell me that talking is hard for you, coming this far to write this was hard for me. Coming to lay these questions to rest was hard.

That is why it took me so long to have that conversation with you the other day because I wanted to know for sure it was not lip service but something that came out of not just my head but heart as well. I wanted to do it when I knew for sure I had sorted out my priorities and stance on things. This is why I did the talking because relying on someone else to do it simply means I am not being honest about it because I can't even deal with it personally. This is why I talked to you and why I smsed u after - all personally and not through someone else. Sincerity remember? :P

I believe even more strongly than before, keep things simple. Whatever I told you, suggested to you, just take it as it is. I don't have the intention or capacity to window dress things. Believing or not is entirely up to you now.