I Miss You

I miss you... to see you, touch you, feel you..be close to you..

Something to Think About

This is one of those things that came to me by accident. I would read it every now and then to remind myself of some important things in life. Today I suddenly remembered to send to a friend and I think maybe it was timely for me to read it too. I decided to share this, my favourite speech by Steve Jobs at Stanford commencement. It's not exactly short, but it's most certainly worth the read. I highlighted certain sections. Enjoy :)

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Stanford Report, June 14, 2005
'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me. I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story , and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now. This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog , which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog , and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

No Reserve, No Retreats, No Regrets

I read this off a friend's blog and liked it so I decided to share it with you here. You can read the rest of his blog here. I think the title sums up what life should be about.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

No reserve, No Retreats, No Regrets

This man was mentioned in the sermon on Sunday by the pastor. I can only remember his first name, and with some difficulty the three things he wrote at the back of his bible.This guy didn't have an illustrious career as a missionary, though he wanted to be one. But what he wrote at the back of his Bible is a shining example to all of us.

The man was Wiiliam Borden. He died at 25 studying Arabic to prepare himself to spread the word to the Muslims in China.After travelling the world and given the burden of evangelism, he wrote this at the back of his Bible. "NO RESERVES"

When he was offered great jobs after leaving college, he stuck to his mission of going forward to spread the Word. He wrote two more words. "NO RETREATS"

When his body was brought home from Egypt, where he fell sick, and passed away learning Arabic to prepare for his mission, they found these words written at the back of his Bible. "No Regrets"

In his 25 years of living, even though he did not fulfil his mission of going to the field, this MAN has shown us all a simple, yet profound truth.

Take the time to read his short story here.

The Blur and The Fool

I must be really foolish and really blur. I don't even know what I could have done. Nothing ever seems the right way. People must even wonder why bother. Why oh why? Can't even bring myself to ask when I finally felt like asking.

I miss the wind..really wanted to go for a bike ride last night if I could..just to feel the wind and clear my mind..but no license and no bike..too bad.

I think if I could... I wouldn't be here anymore.

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Tears stream down your faceI promise you
I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Saw this in a galfriend's blog and thought it was a nice song.

Sands of Time. Change. God

I seem to write about pretty serious stuff here. Maybe because I see this as a place to write about life, lessons I learnt myself and from others and thoughts so it may seem “deep”. Sometimes you may find me repeating certain things. It could be the lesson was furthered delivered or perhaps the whole thinking or emotional state behind it has changed to one of retrospect but it may be written so subtly the reader doesn’t sense it.

The year is coming to an end again soon. Sometimes I look back and think I seemed to have not moved much from last year because I seemed to have come back to the same crossroad again and yet I know during this year I have changed a lot again. Sometimes I not too sure if I really like it. There are things I don't know if I am proud of, sometimes even wished never happen but I think was necessary to prepare me for the wisdom to make the right decisions. For that, I am thankful.

There are sadly, regrets...I hate regrets...which I hope to come to terms with some day. Recently, a few people from my past came back into my life again quite unexpectedly. All within a short span of time. I wonder if this means something. It's seems to be a little coincidental. Maybe it's a sign for me to look out for something because the timing seems to be a little uncanny. Maybe I am at a major road junction and this is my traffic light *laughs* It’s like you suddenly see major points in your life come revisit you again. I think if one more person comes back to talk to me, the picture will be very complete indeed *laughs*

There comes a point when every human being knows and sense change. Some changes are temporal, some are more far reaching than others. Amid confusion, I think deep down, we know when the former or the latter has occurred. You just know when it’s a temporary transformation or you will know some things will never be the same again. I can’t quite identify or describe it but somehow I just could feel it. It’s hard to explain so I think it may be hard for an external party to understand. Perhaps if the reader comes to such a stage, the reader will understand what I mean.

I have a blessed life, far blessed than many. Yet somehow, I sense I have aged a lot, or perhaps more positively, grown a lot over the last 3 years with the pace picking up each year. This process never stops. The last year particularly the last few months have made me understood a lot of things about life and people in answers that were presented to me in ways I never expected. Dear reader, sometimes answers don’t come to us in ways we wanted or expected. Instead, it may come from another person, another person’s question or problem. Knowing the answer through this way may not always be accurate or easy on the heart…but it’s an answer.

And now for a conversation with someone important…

Dear God,

I am sorry there are days when I don't feel like waking up in the morning. I am sorry there are days when I don't look forward to tomorrow. I am sorry there are times I can't hear you. I am sorry there are days when I wished you can take back some of the things you gave me. I am sorry sometimes I ask for the impossible. I am sorry if sometimes I have doubt or I don't know if you are there. I am sorry if sometimes I am just so slow. I am sorry there are times I am not as kind as I like to be. I am sorry if sometimes you have to get to extreme measures to get to me. I am sorry sometimes I don't really know what you'd like me to be, go or do. I am sorry there are times I don't love myself as much as I should.

Dear God,

I know you will not bring me to lessons that I am not capable of overcoming. Perhaps I have become a slow learner. I am thankful that in all time I never blamed you. I am thankful you gave me the ability to see your lessons in all good and bad. I thank you for sending me angels in spirit, in angels that walk this earth, in people who have been become a part of my life or passed in and out of my life. I thank you that I have all the abilities a normal human being has and that I don't have additional disabilities to overcome. I am thankful for light in darkness. I am thankful that end of the day, I am alive.

Dear God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Please grant me courage to overcome my weaknesses, to take steps forward and not be held down by things I cannot change. Please grant me strength to stand for myself and those I love. Please grant me strength and determination to live everyday that comes. Please grant me the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. I have asked for a heart of compassion before. Please grant me this heart more, the compassion to love myself, my loved ones, those who have hurt me, those who need compassion. Please grant me direction and wisdom to myself and people around me. Please grant me the ability to be a bigger person than I have ever been. Please grant me the ability to see light in darkness, hope in adversity. Please grant me the ability to love. Please grant me the ability to forgive when all fails.

I am not always sure I ever knew or will ever know who you really are but I know you are always in my heart and soul even if no one can really tell me the answer. I know it isn’t always obvious or clear…but I do love you.

The Complexity of Simplicity

As human beings we all proclaim we want things to be simple. We always ask, why can't life be simpler? Why can't people be simpler? Why can't situations be simpler?

In talking to people recently, I noticed something. While we desire simplicity, sometimes we simply love to complicate our own lives. Something may be placed in our hands, to our faces in all its simplicity but we would want to twist and turn, think too many things about it. I think this is especially so for women. We think too much about the story, the intention and the possibilities behind a small act, thing or situation. This is something which I think men find hard to comprehend.

I didn't realise it until I noticed it in my gal friends recently. Then I thought "oh gosh I was like that??" Poor men who cannot understand and poor women who have to pay the price for it. For the first time in my life, I can actually bring myself to say..Ladies, men can be incredibly simple creatures. Don't bother to read too much into things and kill your own brain cells in the process. I found it quite amusing to hear some of my gal friends come up with all sorts of "conspiracy theories" behind every damn thing, big or small. Why bother? Sometimes the truth may already be in your face. We just don't admit that's all. Denial is a blessing and a curse.

Of course I don't think it's limited to women only. Men also think too much of women's actions at times when it's not necessary. Well, we are all but human I guess. I think the modern individual has sometimes been so tuned by circumstances that we can no longer accept simplicity or find it hard to believe. Human imperfections I guess :)

Jagged Little Pill

First I gotta say this, I miss being on a bike. I have paused my bike lessons but hell I wanna get that elusive license! I miss being on the big machine..wind..helmet..gloves and all..I get envious when I see people on bike and I cannot be on one. Hope to parade around with my helmet and most importantly, A LICENSE soon..grrrrrrr

Some people thought it was strange for me to play aunt agony recently because I probably needed one myself. But strangely, I think listening to someone else's life puts my mind and heart in better perspective and in a way heals myself too. I don't always like the stuff I have to tell people because I probably know how painful it is for the person who will have to be on the receiving end of the resulting action. In a way, I also saw perspectives that I could never quite understand clearly until I was presented with it in my face. The mirror has two faces and very often, the other face may not be what we think it to be or as pretty as we would like it to be.

I wonder if you have ever experienced this. For instance, you may have a disagreement with someone or perhaps an unhappy episode. You understand everything from your view, you can guess things from the other view. Suddenly one day, your friend comes to you with the situation that that been on the opposite side if your view. You see things from the other side of the table. You realise that maybe it wasn't as easy as you thought. The whole wave of realisation, regret, sadness, a desire to do something but am helpless kinda feeling - I call it a jagged little pill of reality bite, realisation.

I can't quite describe it but I feel a little wide difference these days. Age? Life? I am not too sure myself. When I go out these days, I don't really feel like I am there. It's like you watch a colourful parade of people, colours and activities happening in front of you and hear a mesh of sounds..but that's it. It likes those movies where everything is just a blur around you. It's like one is alive..but not really...living. Hmm doesn't exactly sound like a most sociable animal huh? Well will have to watch and see :)

Little Girl's Song - Nov 17

Little Girl's Song

Little girl
They welcome you with open arms
With flowers in your hair
Kisses on your angel face

Little girl
They tell you life is beautiful
Take your little steps
Fear nothing for all is sweet

Little girl
Is that a little scar on your knee?
Cry not because you stand
Just as you will fall

Little girl
Is that a tear on your face?
Wipe it away
It is not the end

Little girl
Your face looks a little older
Your smiles a little faded
Your skips now a walk

Little girl
Where did the flowers go?
I see a new dress you are wearing
A new mask, a paint perhaps?

Little girl
Smile a little
Do the new scars hurt?
It will all be okay

Little girl
Look in the mirror and who do you see?
Your eyes gone cold
Your hair faded and jaded smile

Little girl
Don’t sit in that cage
Don’t see the world they don’t see
Can you see the world they see?

Little girl
Where have you run to?
Have you found a better world?
Are you coming back?

Little girl
Are you in a better place?
Are the flowers more beautiful?
Will you take me with you?

Little girl
I cannot fly to where you are
Please come back
I am waiting for you

Great Expectations

Nov 16

Recently I have playing Aunt Agony to a couple of my friends. Maybe it’s about seeing clearer when you are an outsider or maybe I grew wiser. Suddenly things just become a lot clearer about how things are between people and the issues that are really important.

As human beings we all have expectations. There’s a fine line however between realistic expectations and pushing things. We all like to have things our way but maybe sometimes that’s just being unrealistic. I realize how a lot of things can be simplified by managing and communicating CLEARLY what these expectations are, be it work or personal.

I do realize too that sometimes we say we want certain things out of someone or some situation in order to feel happy. It was strange that when I asked what the things that would make the person in question happy were, there was no clear answer for me. Perhaps sometimes we are asking for happiness without even knowing what we want? Without knowing what we want, will we ever find contentment or satisfaction in fulfillment of an expectation because that expectation was never clearly established in the first place?

No one is perfect. To me the perfect one is finding the one who’s perfect with imperfections. To want a person who is driven probably means less time, stubbornness and pride. It comes in a package and there’s no way to take the things one likes only. In the first place even we ourselves are not perfect. Not realizing this is basically what I call setting up expectations for disappointment. Of course, it’s never a one way game. It works both ways and that’s where communication comes in.

What’s communication? To me communication is when two people communicate their expectations to each other and come to a clear understanding on whether they meet or do not meet. They know how to deal with it after. Just talking about it is not communicating. Just throwing it out of your system is not communicating because the message never got across in the first place. I think this is not my best department right now so don’t think I can comment much on this except less pride, more patience goes a long long way.

Someone asked me today will I do a relationship without the emotional bit now. I don’t know if the reader understands what this means but my answer was “Yeah why not...but there must be a clear understanding”. By that I mean clearly communicated expectations. Knowing clearly where the relationship stands and do not stand. Actually on a side note, I think such an arrangement may be pretty good for me. I am not in the mood for heavy things neither do I have the time. However, in the absence of clear expectations, it would be thanks but no thanks. I have seen how disastrous the lack of communication of expectations can be and I don’t want to go that way. If things go a good way, well good then. No mind, heart or time to think too much. Light and simple sounds pretty good now *laughs* I sound like I am talking about salad *laughs*

Thank you

As you may notice, I have a couple of posts that I didn't get to post till recently..For a while, I deliberated even whether I should publish them at all...but I decided I didn't want to cheat myself of my own life..

30 Oct 2005

Today, I want to write about a group of special people in my life. Yesterday I met up with my best friends who I could feel above everything else, they wanted me to be happy. It was nice catching up after so long. It was nice chatting and gossiping. And of course, they gave me an amazing gift *chuckle*

This morning, I was talking to one of my girlfriends who was telling me her man troubles. It became a morning of revelation for both of us. She was getting confused and frustrated with what was going on in her personal life with someone who seemed had a lot of emotional baggage and past hurt. Unknowingly and truthfully unknowingly, I told her the following:

“I don’t know if he’s the same but if I am right, and perhaps if he’s like me now, I would feel that words mean nothing, action speaks louder than words. Action speaks everything…The feeling is more important..I will take my time..If you push me, I would rather f**k it.. Saying is difficult..Taking a step is very difficult” blah blah.

And then, I caught myself.

So familiar.

I remember hearing these words few months ago. I even remember the place, the scene in my head. It was that point that I kinda understood what these words meant. In a warped way, I had become the person I could not understand. It’s really interesting when you find yourself talking to the person who reminded you so much of yourself previously and giving the same answers that caused you so much erm..should I say bewilderment.

For her, she began to understand the way he thinks and why he behaves the way he does. My guy friend would at this point say, “drop him and move on”. Well babe, it’s your choice. If he’s worth the wait and the fight, then by all means do, but it will be a long one and do you want to? Really want to? If you really want to, I have given you the things to do… you have a chance, make good use of it and don’t make my mistake. I wished I didn’t have to tell you all these because I learnt it but I hope it helps you.

For me, it suddenly helped me understand a lot of things better. I don’t want to find excuses but it just kinda felt like enlightenmemt. Understanding in a way helped me not to blame myself, though there are things I really wished I could have done better. Will you ever feel the same? I doubt it.

Or perhaps my friends were just right. Sometimes I ask myself too. I also don’t know whether I would like to agree with them. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t because no matter how bad my judgment is, what I felt cannot be wrong. It might have gone wrong but what I felt cannot be wrong. I can be self-delusional or perhaps wrong to a great extent but some part was right.

Back to the special people. I felt a great deal of love last night. I felt extremely blessed. Everyone has his or her own upheavals and I must say that I am very lucky this time. I am lucky that higher power gave me this opportunity to know that I am very much loved. If God hadn’t gave me love or the freedom I desire yet, He gave me everything else. I am very lucky that I have friends who are still around me, make me feel this great deal of love. I hope I will have the opportunity to show you how much I love you guys too. To all my friends, you know who you are, thank you for everything. Thank you for the love , the patience and just being there.

Dear God, maybe you are waiting for me to give you my toys so that you can give me a real pearl necklace. Maybe you are giving me one piece at a time so that I can make my own just as I am giving you one at a time. But dear God, thank you for everything.

Infinity of emptiness

I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..

28 Oct 2005

I used this as my yahoo nick today and my friend said I should take it out so I don’t remind myself of it. I did but anyway will write about today.

Today I woke up feeling a deep sense of emptiness. I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Just laid there and stared into space. Couldn’t feel anything. Guess it’s the feeling of loss, feeling of feeling lost and a sudden collapse of the stress that’s been building. I spoke to a friend today and we both agree sometimes we just need to face the pain before we pick it up and go on.

The other day, a friend told me “Somehow I get the feeling you have not been very happy these few years.” That’s coming from a friend who doesn’t see me often. I think this morning I just felt the whole weight of the past 3 years fell on me. Recent developments remind me a lot of a similar period about 1 year plus ago. How things started from one or two areas and spiraled downwards. My spiritual teacher said with no knowledge about my life that, april and may this year was my best time. Looking back, she is right. It was the best time of this year that I could remember…when I was on top of the world in every area and everything felt right. At that time, I thought maybe after 2 years plus of up and down, maybe some form of rightness was in my life finally.

And you wonder how can something so right turn so wrong.

Sometimes I think and wonder, I have a big responsibility for how things have turned out these few years. Some people like to blame others. I don’t. It ends up me blaming myself instead. In case those in the know are wondering, I am talking about things in general and no I am not moping about the personal life bit. Decisions that maybe I should have taken or not done. But then again, what’s done been done. No point regretting. Without these little turns I think I wouldn’t learnt a lot of things, met a lot of people. Would I choose to go through everything again? Some yes, some no. Some I’d rather forget that it ever happened. But since they have happened, everything becomes something I cherish as part of life.

A friend asked..”Have you ever felt pain that is so intense you feel your heart squeeze?” Yes I have. You can almost hear it gasping for air. You almost feel like you need to hold your heart. But at least you can feel it. I felt it when I lost love. It seems like love doesn’t trust me but then again I don’t trust it either. It’s there, I know it but for now, our paths are not the same.

But, have you ever felt like you can’t feel anything? Like if you reach in, you will find nothing. It’s like your heart was completely eaten or broken that even if you wanted to, it’s not there for you to feel it. You can feel a tugging feeling, you can feel tears flow, but yet it’s so great that you can’t find words to describe it. I used to think that maybe people who have experienced pain will know how to cherish things better but I was wrong.

I think a great part is self disappointment. Loss makes me feel sad but I think self disappointment is the one that really hit me after everything. Maybe I expect too much of myself, but then again, I believe one should expect greatness of oneself if one is to be great. No goals, no results. And again, no I am not just talking about personal life stuff… If I am right, my friends who are reading this may think it’s due to a particular matter but I lost something yesterday that made me feel this way.

As I look back, the last time when I felt this, when I felt I lost a lot, I realized it prepared me for more things to come. I think, if I survived that, I can survive this. In trading terms, it’s like a retracement in an uptrend. Maybe I have to lose everything before I can pick up things to come.

But then again..No I did not lose everything. I am fortunate to have friends who care. Friends who ask me to smile, drive down to eat with me when they knew I was down, gave me flowers in the middle of the night so that I can feel happier. For that, I thank and appreciate you. It makes me feel very blessed and loved.

And in the fashion of ending things on a good note, I don’t know what to do but I know somehow I know I will make it. If there’s one thing I learnt over the last 3 years is that.. I am a survivor..not a good one and a slow one, but definitely one.

I’m OK

I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..

7 Oct 2005

I think the other day things just fell over the cliff and fell into place. I think end of the day, I just want to find peace with myself. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in a while. I feel better to deal with certain issues, some of which I may not have been ok with before. Today is again a personal post, no column like stuff.

First I wanna share something a friend showed me..it's off a tv series called The L Word..good show that one.. it goes like :

"I lift my glass, to caring, kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then I wish you forgiveness." .."When everything is impossible, try forgiveness"... I like this statement..To me, this is a simple yet profoundly difficult thing to do.

To you, if you ever see this though I doubt you will… I think one of our major problems is our slow ability to clear and understand each other’s expectations. I noticed everytime it came to a critical point, it just gets glossed over and it becomes a boil that eventually bursts and make us even more upset. At the start, it was like that. At the end, it was like that. Even with my “proposal” after, we never really discussed on how best to manage the situation so that it is stress free for us both. As a result, sometimes I got confused on how to approach you or whether I would create any misunderstandings if I did. If properly managed, could be quite fun actually ha ha.

Now for some clearing of old skeletons in the closet first. Spring cleaning is always good.

There are times I wondered what if that fateful msn conversation that started the whole string of events never happened? What would be the situation today? Where would we have gone from there? Will we still be "together"? Would we have been happy? What was so hard because it happened so suddenly right at the peak of things? Too many what ifs that seriously plagued me for a while. I wondered why is it I had to accept a decision of which I can't even fight, based on worries that haven't happened, didn't knew what had happened in the past and maybe not committed by me? Like I said before, two people not being able to be together is not a sad thing. It is when two people actually liked each other (then at least) and can't be together due to misunderstandings or circumstances. I don't like to leave what ifs in my life because regret sticks for a long time. They will be things I will never know because I know you will never say. I hate to assume and I think that was one downfall too- too many assumptions on both ends. One of the gals actually said if we could both just turn a little, maybe we will see each other a lot more and things may turn out much better.

There are a few things that I stick by from beginning to today. There are a few actually. One would be that it was never an issue of mistrust from me to you. From beginning right to the end, I never doubted or wanted to interrogate you. From the first time I sent you off to your meeting with your gal fren, you won my trust and I never looked back. That was not easy, given my little faith in men (if you remember). The next thing is that the divide between us was a thin yet wide one. It was so easy to save because the situation itself was easy. It was the old baggage that made it hard. You mentioned before you are glad we found each other at this point of our lives. I used to wish you could have more faith in that statement but maybe it would be better if we had met at a time when old baggage didn't matter anymore. I saw the possible rainbow after the storm but you saw the possible wreckage. When I tried alternative means of communicating because you didn't want to talk, it turned out I was giving the impression of forcing you. Strange I thought then, cos I had always told you you didn't need to respond neither did I question you for not replying. It is so strange how things can be perceived in such different ways...it's almost like a comedy of errors.

You asked me how I could forgive and forget. It's never easy. I gave you my answer and you thought I was trying to change you. As a special note..To ladies, never sit around hoping for a man to change. It's good if he does for you but frankly, it'll probably never happen. This is something I learnt from 3 years ago. Moreover, if you can't accept a man's package as he is and hope to change him, why not just find any Tom, Dick or Harry and tailor him to your tastes. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache. And to you, as unbelievable as it may seem, I liked you the way you were and I was not asking for more..be it time, affection and so on. I had a feeling and I just wanted to know if I was right or wrong. Probably hard to picture but yeah, I chose a bad way of communicating that. My bad.
It hadn't been easy, but I have finally decided to let all the question marks lay to rest and may they rest in peace. You say you wanna have someone to blame..I wished I could because that would have made things so easy but deep down I can't. It taught me good things on faith and space. If you tell me that talking is hard for you, coming this far to write this was hard for me. Coming to lay these questions to rest was hard.

That is why it took me so long to have that conversation with you the other day because I wanted to know for sure it was not lip service but something that came out of not just my head but heart as well. I wanted to do it when I knew for sure I had sorted out my priorities and stance on things. This is why I did the talking because relying on someone else to do it simply means I am not being honest about it because I can't even deal with it personally. This is why I talked to you and why I smsed u after - all personally and not through someone else. Sincerity remember? :P

I believe even more strongly than before, keep things simple. Whatever I told you, suggested to you, just take it as it is. I don't have the intention or capacity to window dress things. Believing or not is entirely up to you now.