The Selfish Decision of Forgiveness

I actually used this headline as my msn nick once and a few friends were interested to know the explanation behind it. When I explained it to them, some of them felt it was quite a refreshing way to look at things, so I decided to write about it here.

Some time ago, I had a very painful fight and perhaps till today, one that is bewildering to me and trying to grasp, with someone dear. One of the questions he asked me was how can I forgive past hurt? How can I forget?

Truth is, we probably never forget. It is the feeling that we attach to it when we remember it that matters. Life will never always be kind. Lessons often have to be learnt the hard way. A note here: it doesn't mean I have a very hard life..I think God has been kind to me for there are many less fortunate out there. However, if one can only remember only the pain then the lesson was a waste. It takes time, but to me, if you can look back at it, even weep when you look back, but talk about it in a positive perspective, it's probably good enough.

I must admit as a mere mortal there are things I look back and still find myself pained by it and unable to verbalise. When I asked the person above about past issues and found pain lingering on his face and in voice, I knew then it was still an unhealed section and best left alone till it was time for me to know. Maybe the lesson of forgiveness is what I had to learn here. It's like you often know something subconsciously, but conscious understanding struck me one day as I was reading this book called "The Power of the Subconscious Mind".

Forgiveness is something we find difficult to do at times. This is especially so when we have been greatly hurt. It is not easy because subconsciously, we think we are letting the person off and how can one do that after one has been so badly hurt by this person? To forgive would be like being noble and selfless.

It then came to my understanding that forgiveness more than anything, is a selfish decision. Note the two words used here: selfish and decision. Forgiveness is a decision, no matter how difficult it seems. It is a choice, like everything else.

It is the selfish part that becomes interesting. Just try to think of a time you have been badly hurt or angered by someone and you had difficulty forgiving. How does one feel? Angry? Hurt? Sad? Unhappy? Burdened? There is nothing good about holding all these emotions due to an inability to forgive. On top of that, it stops one from being unable to look at new things in a new perspective. Along with that, it is unfair to the new people and things that come into your life to have to suffer the consequences of pain left behind by situations of which they were never involved in the first place. We say the person who kills himself or herself is foolish and doesn't love himself or herself. Then how about the person who is kiiling himself or herself slowly mentally and emotionally by poisoning one's mind and heart with such painful feelings? Forgiving another is frankly more for one's own well-being than of the other party. This is why I call it a selfish: it is for one's own good, not being noble.

There are times when I look back and know that I was not angry with someone for the obvious reasons. Reasons people think why I am upset or sad about someone like someone leaving my life, doing disrespectful or unfair things etc. I wish people will assume less and listen a bit more sometimes. Frankly speaking, in a way, I agree..myou can hate only if you have loved. But if you have loved, chances are you will never really be angry with the person. This applies to all kinds of love, be it relationships, family or friends. It is at that point that I know, it is someone else that needs to be forgiven: myself.

And that is a tough one.

I realised in a lot of situations, more than being upset about the other party and the situation on hand, we are angry and disappointed in ourselves. We get angry on why we acted in certain ways, feel disappointed in our failures or feel stupid at our own behaviour. The anger or sadness towards someone else becomes a nice convenient cover for the inability to forgive oneself. I know, cos I find the person hardest to forgive is more often than not, myself. It sounds ridiculous, but I have seen it in others as well. Maybe we don't love ourselves enough then because if we did, maybe it will not turn out like that. I once read somwhere, more and above a duty to others, one must fulfil the duty to oneself.

I can't say that I am enlightened. However, when I realised these things, I began to understand why and how I forgave past hurt and it has helped changed my perspective towards a lot of things. I can't say I can do it perfectly but I will try.