Fast Food Generation, Fast Food Marriage?

Today I had an interesting conversation with some friends over sheesha about modern ideas versus older generation ideas about marriage and relationships so thought I would put it down while it's still fresh in my head :)

We were just talking about how some of our friends' parents' marriage had become a case of two strangers living under the same roof. I have seen this very often in real life marriages around me, especially when they hit 40s and 50s. They lead separate lives, even have partners of their own. Some don't even stay together. One then asked "Why do they stay married then?"

I have asked this to my friends who are in such situations. The reasons are numerous. Some say its for the children, some say its too troublesome to get divorced, some say its difficult to separate assets, some say they cannot come to a resolution, some simply put it down to a matter of "face" and pride. However, if one compares how the attitudes have changed over the generations, one will see a certain pattern of evolution.

In our grandparents' generation, people got married often by arrangement, even to complete strangers. Yet they stay married for life. Divorce is taboo, though one can't always say that the marriage is always happy. Some do actually go on to be loving partners for life. Nonetheless, they stay married.

In the next generation where you are probably looking at people in their 40s and 50s, it is common to see the phenomenon described above where a married couple become more of like flatmates in the same house. Their children often become aware of the situation eventually. Some say it's for the kids, but is it really portraying a healthy image of marriage and family life to them? Well it's a question. Some go on to divorce but more often than not, the problems pretty much stay within the family. At this point I ask then, what would one consider the real marriage? The one where you have two people married in name but live like strangers or two people who are not legally married but is everything like a married couple?

Now fast forward to the current generation. Divorce rates are on the rise. Co-habitation is becoming more common. I do think it's a good idea to live with your partner before marriage actually. One may even hear of people who choose to have relationships where they regard each other as married but they do not go through legal proceedings. After all, what is a piece of paper? If one needs the law to prove a relationship, is it strong in the first place? I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for ten over years and told me they will only get married if necessary or pressured by family. Other than that, the legality has little meaning to them.

I think it has a lot to do with the way that we were brought up. The older generations were taught that once married, one is to stick with it and work it out some way or other. Thus even in the previous generation, even with unhappy marriages, people will grit their teeth and stay married officially even if nothing about it looks like one. But even through this generation, one can see the influences of modernization as one may call it. Divorce trickles in more than previously so.

Come to the current generation, I call some the fast food marriage. Why is that so? While many marriages do work, a lot more simply take the easy way out and give up. One can also see more relationships that become easy and convenient to zoom in and out of. The modern way of thinking is "If it is not working, why stay together?". People build higher walls around themselves and proceed with much caution. There's nothing wrong with it if you look at it. It is perfectly logical and one should stay in situations that make one happy.

However, there is a fine line between choosing an optimal situation versus giving up too easily. I once asked a friend would she have given up on a relationship if she was married to the guy. She confessed that in marriage, she probably would have tried harder. I think there is value in the old school way of thinking where one ahould try one's best to work things out. There is also a point when one should know some things are worth saving and some are better to let go of. Giving up too early may deprive one of the chance of a real tried and tested relationship. Trying too hard may just bring too much unhappiness.

One thing for sure though, it takes two hands to clap. It wil be nearly impossible to save a relationship be it any type of relationship, if one party simply doesn't have the heart anymore. I have seen separate examples of marriage saved from divorce and moved into greater happiness because both parties are willing to work it out together. I have also seen the despair of the person who tries only to find his or her partner is already far out of reach.

Well despite seeing failed marriages, I notice end of the day, most would still want to be married eventually. Maybe we'll evolve further, who knows?