I have not written for a while...it was not the lack of inspiration...lack of time perhaps or maybe lack of energy.
There is something I learnt recently in a deep way. Cliche as it may seems, life does have its ups and downs and everyone goes through cycles. There are times that people go through a high and also times people go through a low.
There are pastures that one can only see when one is on a high plane and there are valleys that only one can walk when one is low. It is very difficult to make each other understand the joys, perils, feelings and lessons of each other until one comes to it oneself.
I know I have disappointed many over the last few years and made many upset. I know there are habits that I should try harder to make sure I change. If my friends are reading this, you'd probably know as well. For those who believed in me and are still here, I can't tell you how grateful I am.
There are things that one takes with them everytime one goes through a cycle. That to me is one of the reasons why cycles must exist. One would never truly comprehend the joy of a high until one has tasted the bitterness of a low. One will never understand what it is truly like to be in a low till one has gone through it.
I know a friend who is going through some emotional problems which is very similar to some things I experienced some years back. I feel sad for her because I know how painful it is to be in that situation. I also realised how painful it must have been for her or many of my friends to watch me during those years. I don't think I would have comprehended it if I didn't go through it and I think she probably agrees that it is in going through it herself that she realised how it was for me as well.
There are things we cannot pretend to understand. We can empathise but we will never truly understand until one has truly experienced it.
I also learnt that time changes a lot of things. I learnt that while one can always sink to new lows, lows are often the beginnings to highs. Like they say, every beginning is another beginning's end. Perhaps I was delusional, but I waited for the llight at the end of the tunnel even when I was thinking maybe it will never come. To my friends who are not going through the best of times, I can only hope the same for you...to keep looking at the light.
No, I am not in the best of times to warrant myself the right to say the above. What I can only hope to do is to share your time of unhappiness and sorrow from someone who has gone through some sh*t and caused much unhappiness to others over the last few years. There are so many things I need to work on and have so much to go.
I cannot pretend to truly understand because our situations are not EXACTLY the same. I can quite confidently say that I can probably come closer to understanding it and imagining it than someone who hasn't. Maybe I am not too good at showing it, but I am concerned about my dear friends. It is in a Cancerian nature to. There may be times it sounds like I am probing but that's only because I care about what's happening. If you guys ever found it offensive, I apologise.
As mentioned earlier, there are things we take with us when we go through cycles. My little selfish wish is that you may understand a little of the things that drove my failures, the madness of it all and the faults I have committed. My wish for myself is to always remember the lows that will make the highs worth it. My greater wish is that we will all live through our stages of stress and confusion and find even better pastures.
Dear life, you have taught me much and I know there is a lot more to learn...May you be kind and show us all beautiful pastures ahead.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Goodbye GHP
I am writing this moments before I pull the plug on the modem at GHP and I had barely slept last night because I was packing my things to move back home. I had done my last laundry and most of the things have been packed. If you do not know, GHP is the place we had fondly named our house for the past year.
As I looked at the bare walls that my pictures used to adorn and the floor where my books used to lay, I can’t help but remember the time when I just moved in when the house was equally bare.
Finding a house was difficult but we fell in love with GHP the moment we saw it. I love the pool and the bright, airy view that came with this house. I still remember people saying my room looked like a monastery when I first moved in because it was so bare. By the time I decided to move out, people called it the coziest room in the house and that I looked like I had settled in.
Settled in I have been indeed, because I have grown to love this place that provided a source of serenity to me. As the year went on, the room began to take shape as I decorated it painstakingly. It was not just filled with the physical decorations but also the memories of tears and laughter I had in this room. There were countless Eve Code entries, endless nights of tears and laughter and unforgettable times spent with friends here. There were also quarrels, fights and silent frustrations. They all made up the one year chapter in GHP.
People have many ways of dealing with pain. Perhaps moving to GHP was one for me because it took so much of my attention that it took my mind off things. It’s uncanny how life is that we are moving out almost exactly one year after we have moved in. Moving was perhaps my desire to escape from that particular chapter in my life and now again, moving marks the end of the chapter that had been written over the past year that I had spent escaping the previous one.
I went back to my old place the other day to pack to get ready for moving in. Frankly, it felt foreign to me but I have little choice. I realized there were many things I kept because I didn’t have the strength inside to throw them away. I finally did it. In fact, there are probably more things I can still throw. I think the therapy for the last one year worked in that sense.
I wish I could have taken a picture to share with you but alas my little sanctuary will remain just a memory.
Goodbye GHP, I will miss you.
As I looked at the bare walls that my pictures used to adorn and the floor where my books used to lay, I can’t help but remember the time when I just moved in when the house was equally bare.
Finding a house was difficult but we fell in love with GHP the moment we saw it. I love the pool and the bright, airy view that came with this house. I still remember people saying my room looked like a monastery when I first moved in because it was so bare. By the time I decided to move out, people called it the coziest room in the house and that I looked like I had settled in.
Settled in I have been indeed, because I have grown to love this place that provided a source of serenity to me. As the year went on, the room began to take shape as I decorated it painstakingly. It was not just filled with the physical decorations but also the memories of tears and laughter I had in this room. There were countless Eve Code entries, endless nights of tears and laughter and unforgettable times spent with friends here. There were also quarrels, fights and silent frustrations. They all made up the one year chapter in GHP.
People have many ways of dealing with pain. Perhaps moving to GHP was one for me because it took so much of my attention that it took my mind off things. It’s uncanny how life is that we are moving out almost exactly one year after we have moved in. Moving was perhaps my desire to escape from that particular chapter in my life and now again, moving marks the end of the chapter that had been written over the past year that I had spent escaping the previous one.
I went back to my old place the other day to pack to get ready for moving in. Frankly, it felt foreign to me but I have little choice. I realized there were many things I kept because I didn’t have the strength inside to throw them away. I finally did it. In fact, there are probably more things I can still throw. I think the therapy for the last one year worked in that sense.
I wish I could have taken a picture to share with you but alas my little sanctuary will remain just a memory.
Goodbye GHP, I will miss you.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Singlish Security Lecture
Singlish Security Lecture
I will try not to have a youtube video on every entry but this is so good it puts our Singaporean Singlish to shame! Work on your Singlish Singaporeans! The Ang-Mohs are catching up fast! *laughs*
I will try not to have a youtube video on every entry but this is so good it puts our Singaporean Singlish to shame! Work on your Singlish Singaporeans! The Ang-Mohs are catching up fast! *laughs*
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Singapore Salsa Int'l Festival 2006- En Motion Peformance
Singapore Salsa Int'l Festival 2006- En Motion Peformance
Yes this was what the weeks of training, sewing, excruciating backaches were for...you won't see me here because they didn't film the intro but hey watch my people ok? :)
Yes this was what the weeks of training, sewing, excruciating backaches were for...you won't see me here because they didn't film the intro but hey watch my people ok? :)
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Woman
Today a student told me it's so charming to be an instructor....that I am very engaging *laughs out loud* It's the first time I've ever heard this...I hardly feel charming or engaging counting 1,2,3, 5, 6, 7...I think it's the halo we give to teachers, instructors and celebrities *laughs*
This song grows on you...
Woman
By Big Mama
It was hard for me to live
because I was being hurt by the painful and sad seperation
I wanted so much to love again
Because I'm a woman looking for a place
where my delicate and worn heart may rest
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
Because I want to forget, I'm trying to
fill up my empty heart that's been wounded
by abandonment and been gouged by love.
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
Afraid that the tears that I've swallowed
might gather in my mouth and burst
I can't answer you when you ask
if it's okay to love me over and over again.
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
I don't care when and who
Like a habit, all I have to do is cover my tears.
Don't tell me that I love too easily
and that in the end I'll be the only one hurt.
This song grows on you...
Woman
By Big Mama
It was hard for me to live
because I was being hurt by the painful and sad seperation
I wanted so much to love again
Because I'm a woman looking for a place
where my delicate and worn heart may rest
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
Because I want to forget, I'm trying to
fill up my empty heart that's been wounded
by abandonment and been gouged by love.
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
Afraid that the tears that I've swallowed
might gather in my mouth and burst
I can't answer you when you ask
if it's okay to love me over and over again.
If you love me, I don't ask anything of you
All you have to do is embrace my cold heart
Don't ask me, like a fool,
if I've already forgotten the seperation that was buried so deep.
I don't care when and who
Like a habit, all I have to do is cover my tears.
Don't tell me that I love too easily
and that in the end I'll be the only one hurt.
Stolen
I stole this from a friend's blog...but if it was stolen means it is probably worth a read :P
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Ramblings Part II - On the Balance of Logic and Emotions
There is a rather prevalent belief out there, that emotions are bad, and logic is good.Here's what I think.
Bollocks.
Emotions at the end of the day, tell you what is really important to you. Decisions are mostly made according to what is important to us. Why are these things important? They just are.
Someone I really respected said that the beginning of love and hate is the end of logic. True. There is no good reason why we love something, or someone, and not another. Why we are attracted to someone, or something.Emotions, and feelings in essence, give us DIRECTION, priorities, and meaning.
Logic is a wonderful thing. The way that human logic works, is to justify the things that you have already decided on.The world as we see it is a reflection of what we "know" to be true. Points of reference that we believe to be "a sure thing". Logic just finds a way to connect those points into a picture, so that at the end of the day, we can comfort ourselves and go, "See? It all makes sense now. It's so LOGICAL I don't understand why you just don't see it."
All in all, there's got to be a balance, as with most things in life.Where is that fine line where you draw? I don't know. You have to decide yourself. Me? According to an in-depth character analysis, I am 51% feeling, 49% logic. A balance you say?
Possibly. That just means, that instead of having at least one half of the world agree with me, I manage to piss off both halves.
Brilliant I say, abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. Won't have it any other way. Heh
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My little additions: Logic tells one the things one should do. Emotions tells one the things one would like to do. What one likes may not always be the thing one should either for the sake of morals or long term good or whatever logically reasonable reason one can think of. Maybe this is a simple basic formula for happiness?
LIKE (EMOTION) + SHOULD (LOGIC) +ACTION = HAPPINESS?
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Ramblings Part II - On the Balance of Logic and Emotions
There is a rather prevalent belief out there, that emotions are bad, and logic is good.Here's what I think.
Bollocks.
Emotions at the end of the day, tell you what is really important to you. Decisions are mostly made according to what is important to us. Why are these things important? They just are.
Someone I really respected said that the beginning of love and hate is the end of logic. True. There is no good reason why we love something, or someone, and not another. Why we are attracted to someone, or something.Emotions, and feelings in essence, give us DIRECTION, priorities, and meaning.
Logic is a wonderful thing. The way that human logic works, is to justify the things that you have already decided on.The world as we see it is a reflection of what we "know" to be true. Points of reference that we believe to be "a sure thing". Logic just finds a way to connect those points into a picture, so that at the end of the day, we can comfort ourselves and go, "See? It all makes sense now. It's so LOGICAL I don't understand why you just don't see it."
All in all, there's got to be a balance, as with most things in life.Where is that fine line where you draw? I don't know. You have to decide yourself. Me? According to an in-depth character analysis, I am 51% feeling, 49% logic. A balance you say?
Possibly. That just means, that instead of having at least one half of the world agree with me, I manage to piss off both halves.
Brilliant I say, abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. Won't have it any other way. Heh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My little additions: Logic tells one the things one should do. Emotions tells one the things one would like to do. What one likes may not always be the thing one should either for the sake of morals or long term good or whatever logically reasonable reason one can think of. Maybe this is a simple basic formula for happiness?
LIKE (EMOTION) + SHOULD (LOGIC) +ACTION = HAPPINESS?
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Lonely Journey
They say no man is an island.
It's true but what about life?
I slowly come to see life in itself, the very essence of life itself, is a lonely journey.
I am not saying one is alone. What I am saying is as one goes through life's stages, it is possible to share an experience but not live it together...not even the love of your life.
When one loses a loved one, one may be surrounded by a bevy of loving family and friends willing to lend a shoulder but they can't be with you 24 hours a day. Even if they were, they can't share the extent of one's pain. It simply is not possible because they are not you. The closest thing is empathy. Empathy cannot replace experience.
You can smile and try to laugh with them. Truth is you may feel better but it probably will not take away the feeling of pain and emptiness.
This is a road that has to be walked alone. Family and friends can only walk with you on the side pavement but not share your road beause they cannot have your life. They can only try to make it less lonely and help you to push on so that you may find your own answers.
However, it is in walking this road and finding the roads to come that will produce the greatest happiness..real happiness. Roads that were not dictated by other's wishes, magic predictions or illusionary wants, but real answers forged through the blood and tears of joy and pain in life.
May we all find the true answers meant for us.
It's true but what about life?
I slowly come to see life in itself, the very essence of life itself, is a lonely journey.
I am not saying one is alone. What I am saying is as one goes through life's stages, it is possible to share an experience but not live it together...not even the love of your life.
When one loses a loved one, one may be surrounded by a bevy of loving family and friends willing to lend a shoulder but they can't be with you 24 hours a day. Even if they were, they can't share the extent of one's pain. It simply is not possible because they are not you. The closest thing is empathy. Empathy cannot replace experience.
You can smile and try to laugh with them. Truth is you may feel better but it probably will not take away the feeling of pain and emptiness.
This is a road that has to be walked alone. Family and friends can only walk with you on the side pavement but not share your road beause they cannot have your life. They can only try to make it less lonely and help you to push on so that you may find your own answers.
However, it is in walking this road and finding the roads to come that will produce the greatest happiness..real happiness. Roads that were not dictated by other's wishes, magic predictions or illusionary wants, but real answers forged through the blood and tears of joy and pain in life.
May we all find the true answers meant for us.
Eve Notebook - Break Away
A friend recommended me this video in the last comment and I really find it a nice song, video and not to mention great voices. Watch it to the end for the interesting twist :)
Monday, October 02, 2006
Look Away
Hmm will this be able to be turned into a song? Hmmm....
Don't come this way
When you chose another so long ago
Don't turn back and expect me to be there
Cos I ain't waiting there no more
That familar junction of yesteryears
That old place where I waited
That same place is no longer so
Honey, I have left and moved on
I didn't find eternity
But I had been to new roads
Even found some new junctions
So honey turn around and go
Don't hold my hand like you want it
Don't hold me like you never had
Don't say you miss me
Don't look this way, not this way
Don't come my way
Not when you were the one who gave up
Don't think yesteryear is coming back
Cos' honey I have moved on
Don't come this way
When you chose another so long ago
Don't turn back and expect me to be there
Cos I ain't waiting there no more
That familar junction of yesteryears
That old place where I waited
That same place is no longer so
Honey, I have left and moved on
I didn't find eternity
But I had been to new roads
Even found some new junctions
So honey turn around and go
Don't hold my hand like you want it
Don't hold me like you never had
Don't say you miss me
Don't look this way, not this way
Don't come my way
Not when you were the one who gave up
Don't think yesteryear is coming back
Cos' honey I have moved on
How To Avoid The Sun...But Not The Dreams
And you guys say I am a mad fan. Ya sure I like Bi a lot but...
My spiritual teacher tells me I should go to Korea.
My friends want to have Korean food for dinner.
My performance team folks send me Korean hip hop videos.
Er even if I avoid, Korean wave is all over around me.
AND there's a ticket for his showcase in Seoul that a gal in HK can let me have if only I could go!!! It's so hard to get tickets!!!!! I want to go but I can't!!!!!!! *incredibly sad*
The reason I can't go is because there is a major performance for Singapore Salsa Festival on 15 October.
Talk about salsa.
My legs are aching like hell today because we had a busy day. It was En Motion's opening at Tanjong Pagar :D It was very tiring doing all the preparation and running the whole event. We have a lot of work to follow up even after today. We are all tired like hell but I think we all agree, we are HAPPILY tired.
I think being with En Motion has opened up the dreams I left in a dusty shelf in my head. I was already letting dance slip out of my life, left the dream that HOPEFULLY someday I can dance in a concert even just once, do some fashion, do a dance production etc.
Recently, I asked a fellow dancer if she had a chance to dance in a musical (she prefers to dance in musicals), would she give up everything she has now to go? I asked myself the same question. Honestly, it is a difficult question...but I have a nagging feeling that I just might do it.
How about you? Will you give up everything you have now if the chance for you to realize a dream came for you?
Now I am getting back to dance again. I am thinking of maybe attending classes at Singapore Dance Theatre so I can improve my jazz. I am going to start my Latin classes soon. The rest..well...will pray and let life happen :)
And as always, the mad Korean fan ( my friend says she never thought she will see this side of me, she finds it cute keke) has to share a good song :)
I chose this song because I like the introduction and because I understand these lyrics very well. I bet some of you do as well :)
How To Avoid The Sun
By Rain
The image of me crying
The foolish image of myself
I hate the sun that shines upon the ground(I hate the sun)
If anyone recognized me
And asked why I was crying I
I really hated not being able to answer(I really hated it)
* I wanted to avoid the sun
No matter how hard I ran
The sun was always overhead
I really wanted to forget you
No matter how hard I tried,
No matter how hard I tried you were still inside of me
I really hated to still miss your
Smile and the hands that touched me(I really hated it)
Inside of so many people
While they laughed and shared stories
I tried to forget you
But again, tears fall
*Repeat
Everyone thinks that I forgot
But I think that I’m going to go crazy
I really want to forget
I really want to erase my memory
But it’s not working…
*Repeat x2
Like a thorn that is stuck so deep that you can’t take it out
Like a scratch that was hurt so much that it will leave a scar
A person like you can’t ever be erased
Even though we’re apart, it seems like we’re still living together
If only I could erase you by crying
I cry so much that it’s enough to make a river
Even if I live, I want to forget you and live correctly…
I want to live normally…
I want to live normally…
Bi is so talented *grin* Like I told my old bro, if he looked like Bi, had the same build, danced, sang and acted like him, I would be crazy over him too *laughs*
Sorry bro, unfortunately you don't ...*laughs even louder*
My spiritual teacher tells me I should go to Korea.
My friends want to have Korean food for dinner.
My performance team folks send me Korean hip hop videos.
Er even if I avoid, Korean wave is all over around me.
AND there's a ticket for his showcase in Seoul that a gal in HK can let me have if only I could go!!! It's so hard to get tickets!!!!! I want to go but I can't!!!!!!! *incredibly sad*
The reason I can't go is because there is a major performance for Singapore Salsa Festival on 15 October.
Talk about salsa.
My legs are aching like hell today because we had a busy day. It was En Motion's opening at Tanjong Pagar :D It was very tiring doing all the preparation and running the whole event. We have a lot of work to follow up even after today. We are all tired like hell but I think we all agree, we are HAPPILY tired.
I think being with En Motion has opened up the dreams I left in a dusty shelf in my head. I was already letting dance slip out of my life, left the dream that HOPEFULLY someday I can dance in a concert even just once, do some fashion, do a dance production etc.
Recently, I asked a fellow dancer if she had a chance to dance in a musical (she prefers to dance in musicals), would she give up everything she has now to go? I asked myself the same question. Honestly, it is a difficult question...but I have a nagging feeling that I just might do it.
How about you? Will you give up everything you have now if the chance for you to realize a dream came for you?
Now I am getting back to dance again. I am thinking of maybe attending classes at Singapore Dance Theatre so I can improve my jazz. I am going to start my Latin classes soon. The rest..well...will pray and let life happen :)
And as always, the mad Korean fan ( my friend says she never thought she will see this side of me, she finds it cute keke) has to share a good song :)
I chose this song because I like the introduction and because I understand these lyrics very well. I bet some of you do as well :)
How To Avoid The Sun
By Rain
The image of me crying
The foolish image of myself
I hate the sun that shines upon the ground(I hate the sun)
If anyone recognized me
And asked why I was crying I
I really hated not being able to answer(I really hated it)
* I wanted to avoid the sun
No matter how hard I ran
The sun was always overhead
I really wanted to forget you
No matter how hard I tried,
No matter how hard I tried you were still inside of me
I really hated to still miss your
Smile and the hands that touched me(I really hated it)
Inside of so many people
While they laughed and shared stories
I tried to forget you
But again, tears fall
*Repeat
Everyone thinks that I forgot
But I think that I’m going to go crazy
I really want to forget
I really want to erase my memory
But it’s not working…
*Repeat x2
Like a thorn that is stuck so deep that you can’t take it out
Like a scratch that was hurt so much that it will leave a scar
A person like you can’t ever be erased
Even though we’re apart, it seems like we’re still living together
If only I could erase you by crying
I cry so much that it’s enough to make a river
Even if I live, I want to forget you and live correctly…
I want to live normally…
I want to live normally…
Bi is so talented *grin* Like I told my old bro, if he looked like Bi, had the same build, danced, sang and acted like him, I would be crazy over him too *laughs*
Sorry bro, unfortunately you don't ...*laughs even louder*
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