The Selfish Decision of Forgiveness

I actually used this headline as my msn nick once and a few friends were interested to know the explanation behind it. When I explained it to them, some of them felt it was quite a refreshing way to look at things, so I decided to write about it here.

Some time ago, I had a very painful fight and perhaps till today, one that is bewildering to me and trying to grasp, with someone dear. One of the questions he asked me was how can I forgive past hurt? How can I forget?

Truth is, we probably never forget. It is the feeling that we attach to it when we remember it that matters. Life will never always be kind. Lessons often have to be learnt the hard way. A note here: it doesn't mean I have a very hard life..I think God has been kind to me for there are many less fortunate out there. However, if one can only remember only the pain then the lesson was a waste. It takes time, but to me, if you can look back at it, even weep when you look back, but talk about it in a positive perspective, it's probably good enough.

I must admit as a mere mortal there are things I look back and still find myself pained by it and unable to verbalise. When I asked the person above about past issues and found pain lingering on his face and in voice, I knew then it was still an unhealed section and best left alone till it was time for me to know. Maybe the lesson of forgiveness is what I had to learn here. It's like you often know something subconsciously, but conscious understanding struck me one day as I was reading this book called "The Power of the Subconscious Mind".

Forgiveness is something we find difficult to do at times. This is especially so when we have been greatly hurt. It is not easy because subconsciously, we think we are letting the person off and how can one do that after one has been so badly hurt by this person? To forgive would be like being noble and selfless.

It then came to my understanding that forgiveness more than anything, is a selfish decision. Note the two words used here: selfish and decision. Forgiveness is a decision, no matter how difficult it seems. It is a choice, like everything else.

It is the selfish part that becomes interesting. Just try to think of a time you have been badly hurt or angered by someone and you had difficulty forgiving. How does one feel? Angry? Hurt? Sad? Unhappy? Burdened? There is nothing good about holding all these emotions due to an inability to forgive. On top of that, it stops one from being unable to look at new things in a new perspective. Along with that, it is unfair to the new people and things that come into your life to have to suffer the consequences of pain left behind by situations of which they were never involved in the first place. We say the person who kills himself or herself is foolish and doesn't love himself or herself. Then how about the person who is kiiling himself or herself slowly mentally and emotionally by poisoning one's mind and heart with such painful feelings? Forgiving another is frankly more for one's own well-being than of the other party. This is why I call it a selfish: it is for one's own good, not being noble.

There are times when I look back and know that I was not angry with someone for the obvious reasons. Reasons people think why I am upset or sad about someone like someone leaving my life, doing disrespectful or unfair things etc. I wish people will assume less and listen a bit more sometimes. Frankly speaking, in a way, I agree..myou can hate only if you have loved. But if you have loved, chances are you will never really be angry with the person. This applies to all kinds of love, be it relationships, family or friends. It is at that point that I know, it is someone else that needs to be forgiven: myself.

And that is a tough one.

I realised in a lot of situations, more than being upset about the other party and the situation on hand, we are angry and disappointed in ourselves. We get angry on why we acted in certain ways, feel disappointed in our failures or feel stupid at our own behaviour. The anger or sadness towards someone else becomes a nice convenient cover for the inability to forgive oneself. I know, cos I find the person hardest to forgive is more often than not, myself. It sounds ridiculous, but I have seen it in others as well. Maybe we don't love ourselves enough then because if we did, maybe it will not turn out like that. I once read somwhere, more and above a duty to others, one must fulfil the duty to oneself.

I can't say that I am enlightened. However, when I realised these things, I began to understand why and how I forgave past hurt and it has helped changed my perspective towards a lot of things. I can't say I can do it perfectly but I will try.

Droplets of River Piedra

Hmm I am writing quite often *chuckle* Maybe it is just my inner writer being suppressed for too long so want to unload my thoughts. As time goes by and my ideas don’t come as frequently, maybe I’ll write with less frequency and less length *chuckle*

Ok today I am going to share excerpts from a book I read not too long ago called "By The River of Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept" by Paul Coelho. Some are cliché ideas but maybe it was the way he wrote it that made me re-read those two pages again. The book also discusses a general theme that is really nice and I believe should be read but I can't copy the whole thing here so here's two of my favourite sections:
_______________________________________________________

You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.

Every day, God gives us the sun – and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t exist – that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments – but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.

Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she will not suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back – and at some point everyone looks back – she will hear her heart saying “What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were afraid of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.”

Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life’s magic moments will have already passed them by.
______________________________________________________

My friend runs into an old friend who had somehow never been able to make it in life. “I should give him some money” he thinks. But instead he learns that his old friend has grown rich and is actually seeking him out to repay the debts he had run up over the years.

They go to a bar they used to frequent together, and the friend buys drinks for everyone there. When they ask him how he became so successful, he answers that until only a few days ago, he had been living the role of the “Other”.

“What is the Other?” they ask.

“The Other is the one who taught me what I should be like, but not what I am. The Other believes it is our obligation to spend our entire life thinking about how to get our hands on as much money as possible so that we will not die of hunger when we are old. So we think so much about money and our plans for acquiring it that we discover we are alive only when our days on earth are practically done. And then it’s too late.”

“And you? Who are you?”

“I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It’s just the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from action.”

“But there is suffering in life,” one of the listeners said

“And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you’re fighting for.”

“That’s it?” another listener asked.

“Yes, that’s it. When I learned this, I resolved to become the person I had always wanted to be. The Other stood there in the corner of my room, watching me, but I will never let the Other into myself again – even though it has already tried to frighten me, warning me that it’s risky not to think about the future.”

“From the moment I ousted the Other from my life, the Divine Energy began to perform its miracles.”

Fast Food Generation, Fast Food Marriage?

Today I had an interesting conversation with some friends over sheesha about modern ideas versus older generation ideas about marriage and relationships so thought I would put it down while it's still fresh in my head :)

We were just talking about how some of our friends' parents' marriage had become a case of two strangers living under the same roof. I have seen this very often in real life marriages around me, especially when they hit 40s and 50s. They lead separate lives, even have partners of their own. Some don't even stay together. One then asked "Why do they stay married then?"

I have asked this to my friends who are in such situations. The reasons are numerous. Some say its for the children, some say its too troublesome to get divorced, some say its difficult to separate assets, some say they cannot come to a resolution, some simply put it down to a matter of "face" and pride. However, if one compares how the attitudes have changed over the generations, one will see a certain pattern of evolution.

In our grandparents' generation, people got married often by arrangement, even to complete strangers. Yet they stay married for life. Divorce is taboo, though one can't always say that the marriage is always happy. Some do actually go on to be loving partners for life. Nonetheless, they stay married.

In the next generation where you are probably looking at people in their 40s and 50s, it is common to see the phenomenon described above where a married couple become more of like flatmates in the same house. Their children often become aware of the situation eventually. Some say it's for the kids, but is it really portraying a healthy image of marriage and family life to them? Well it's a question. Some go on to divorce but more often than not, the problems pretty much stay within the family. At this point I ask then, what would one consider the real marriage? The one where you have two people married in name but live like strangers or two people who are not legally married but is everything like a married couple?

Now fast forward to the current generation. Divorce rates are on the rise. Co-habitation is becoming more common. I do think it's a good idea to live with your partner before marriage actually. One may even hear of people who choose to have relationships where they regard each other as married but they do not go through legal proceedings. After all, what is a piece of paper? If one needs the law to prove a relationship, is it strong in the first place? I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for ten over years and told me they will only get married if necessary or pressured by family. Other than that, the legality has little meaning to them.

I think it has a lot to do with the way that we were brought up. The older generations were taught that once married, one is to stick with it and work it out some way or other. Thus even in the previous generation, even with unhappy marriages, people will grit their teeth and stay married officially even if nothing about it looks like one. But even through this generation, one can see the influences of modernization as one may call it. Divorce trickles in more than previously so.

Come to the current generation, I call some the fast food marriage. Why is that so? While many marriages do work, a lot more simply take the easy way out and give up. One can also see more relationships that become easy and convenient to zoom in and out of. The modern way of thinking is "If it is not working, why stay together?". People build higher walls around themselves and proceed with much caution. There's nothing wrong with it if you look at it. It is perfectly logical and one should stay in situations that make one happy.

However, there is a fine line between choosing an optimal situation versus giving up too easily. I once asked a friend would she have given up on a relationship if she was married to the guy. She confessed that in marriage, she probably would have tried harder. I think there is value in the old school way of thinking where one ahould try one's best to work things out. There is also a point when one should know some things are worth saving and some are better to let go of. Giving up too early may deprive one of the chance of a real tried and tested relationship. Trying too hard may just bring too much unhappiness.

One thing for sure though, it takes two hands to clap. It wil be nearly impossible to save a relationship be it any type of relationship, if one party simply doesn't have the heart anymore. I have seen separate examples of marriage saved from divorce and moved into greater happiness because both parties are willing to work it out together. I have also seen the despair of the person who tries only to find his or her partner is already far out of reach.

Well despite seeing failed marriages, I notice end of the day, most would still want to be married eventually. Maybe we'll evolve further, who knows?

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

You called me today
In your moment of desperation
A call for help

You asked me how could life have done this to you again
You asked me how could love have deserted you again
You asked me how much faith could you have
When faith has brought you nothing but pain?

You told me you were tired
Tired of disappointments that keep coming
Tired of endless stupidity you always commit
Do I feel tired for listening?

You asked me why do people change
You asked me how could they forget
You asked me how can you forget
When memory sticks a thorn in your head?

You told me that your heart has gone cold
Said that you have no faith left to hold
Said that you are tired of being wrong
Will you be able to stand again if you fall?

You come to me with tears running down that pretty face
With cries of anguish drenched in pain
Your shaking body down on your knees
Holding on to every ounce of warmth I can give

Dear girl,

I will never have the answers you are looking for
For they can only be found not given
My warmth is not what you seek
The comfort you want is not mine to give

But dear girl, I can tell you this
Love lost probably will never be found again
Cold eyes once warm will only look away
Faded smiles and kisses live only in memory’s remains

I can tell you things you already know
How one should forget and let go
How one should love oneself more and above all
How one should always find courage and hope

Dear girl, maybe time is all you are waiting for
A flicker of hope in your abyss
A way out of your passing quandary
A day where happiness will dance in your eyes again

But above all, dear girl,
Please remember I will always be here
For all the times you forget my presence
I will always be here to catch your fall.

This post is specially dedicated to you, my dear.

The Law of Assumption

Ok someone said my posts very long, don't want to read. Well too bad, I told you before I am a verbal thinker. I think and sometimes I share my thoughts. I like to read, so this is for people who are willing to take a bit of time out to read though I can't claim to be some fabulous writer la *chuckle* Now, back to topic of the day..

Assumption. A simple word everyone knows. You learn it in every subject imaginable - physics, chemistry, finance, economics and so on. In the dictionary, the meaning of assumption goes something like:


The act of taking to or upon oneself: assumption of an obligation.
The act of taking possession or asserting a claim: assumption of command.
The act of taking for granted: assumption of a false theory.
Something taken for granted or accepted as true without proof.
Presumption; arrogance.
A statement that is assumed to be true and from which a conclusion can be drawn.

I often notice how we as human beings like to use assumptions as a basis for which we draw conclusions. After all, it's the way we are educated. There's nothing wrong with it. Personally, I tend to draw conclusions, think and behave based on certain fundamental assumptions. If certain fundamental assumptions change, my thinking and behaviour may change very fast very dramatically, so much that it is hard to believe, even by myself.

However, I also noticed how easy it becomes for one to assume and especially when conventional wisdom comes into play, one often easily assumes something to be true because it usually is and may not be because it really is. Even the meaning in the dictionary says so:

Something taken for granted or accepted as true without proof.

I notice as we grow up, we pick up a lot of what I would call conventional wisdom. Things that should happen one way because if A happens, B usually does and C usually results or if A happens, it means someone must be thinking of B and thus C must be true. One may disagree, but frankly I see a lot of it happening around and very often, it is exasperating and sad to see.

I don't blame people for it because I do it myself too. However, more and more I notice if you happen to not behave in conventional way for certain things, it becomes painful when it is assumed you do. A friend whom I trusted deeply to assume I had betrayed his trust because it looked so, someone who assumed I was thinking certain narrow minded things because any girl in my situation would or that because certain people have done certain things in the past before, when certain signs popped up, the outcome must be the same with me as well. It doesn't matter what the truth is or who I really am or have done before that may be completely different from these assumptions. It doesn't matter if you may be screaming what really is in your mind or heart because it's just like shouting into a black hole. The black hole of assumption.

It's true, we choose we want to believe. In fact, I have also heard the argument that one can convince oneself to believe what he or she wants to believe and that what comes out of his or her mouth is not necessary the truth, but the truth that he or she has convinced himself or herself to believe. Thus, the assumption must therefore be the truth instead of what the person is saying. I am sure it happens, we are all human beings after all. However, why MUST the assumption necessary be the truth? Why can't what the person says be the REAL truth?

To me, it comes back to a matter of trust. There are times when I hear friends tell me things about themselves. There are times I suspect what they feel is frankly different from what they are saying.
There are times when assumption sets in. But there are times I also say to myself, if this is really the case, if he or she really wants me to believe this, there probably is a reason to it. I learnt this, very often, the person in question already knows the truth and don't need me to further impose it. However, the question is, if someone tells you this is the truth, will you choose to believe the person or not? Will you choose your pre-conceived notions or what is in front of you? Not always a clear decision it seems.

As humans, we will always assume, whether we like it or not. However, I have learnt the pretty hard way, being on the receiving end of lack of trust and too much assumption sucks. Big time.

The Beginning

Ah Finally..I have been wanting to do something like this for the longest time and now I am finally down to it. Just a place to write my thoughts, ramblings to ease my poor brain whom some claim to think too much ha. And knowing me, I will give whoever who reads looonnggg posts to read *chuckle*

My song of the moment:

"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches for you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...
I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

Why do people fight? I guess there's a multitude of reasons. However I notice, at one point or other, the fight becomes a fight of pride. A friend once said, if you take pride away from stuff, everything will be so simple. I agree. The things we want in life are often not needs but products of pride and vanity, like it or not. But when it comes to relationships between people, what is the price of pride?

I realised sometimes people have real differences to settle between them so they have to argue or fight. One should stand for the ground you stand on and believe in. However, there comes a point when one unconsciously becomes fighting to win the argument. I know someone like that. There are many times I wanted to ask, "You can argue and win the fight but you lose a friend. So its winning at what price?" End of the day, you win and yet lose something far more valuable, the very thing you were fighting for. Maybe we have grown up to building a wall to protect ourselves or maybe in the heat of anger, we as mere mortals fail to stop ourselves from doing things that hurt others and ourselves eventually.


Oh please do not misunderstand me.. I get angry, upset and I argue and fight as well. But as time went by, I began to stop my pride from taking over so much..to take an extra small second to try to see things from the other side of the table, to take an extra minute to ask myself what's really important here..to win the fight or to find a win-win in the relationship I have with this person? I once brought this up to someone dear..asked why can't we put the pride aside and work through this together? What's really important here? For me, I chose the relationship over pride. Sad enough, in a way, it didn't work out the way I had hoped it could..the perspective became the downfall. Strange when you read it perhaps, but it happens.

Sometimes we have too many baggages that make us unable to see things in new light. Sometimes I wished people, including myself, could see that its not a me-versus-you situation but a we-are-in-this-together-let's-find-a-way situation. It changes the perspective a lot more..at least for me. Helps me to calm down a lot more and see things differently. Well enough for now..maybe I'll write again later :)