Ride On

My latest fanvid :P Really love how hot this song is hahaha

Love Letter

The other day I found an old letter that I had written but never sent. Today, I heard this love letter which kinda reminded me of that and a dream I had once.

Yoochun really did a good job of reading this letter.

Clazziquai

Whoever said that Korean music is all just pop obviously did not listen to Clazziquai. Once an underground group that has seen its popularity soar after its music was featured in a number of high profile movies and dramas, Clazziquai is enjoying fast growing popularity. They are all musically and vocally talented, creating a unique mix of music across electronica, jazz and lounge.

Love this solo by one of their lead vocalists, Alex, entitled "Friday Blues".

It Must Have Been Love

The thing about spring cleaning is sometimes you end up finding things from the past, things you have forgotten.

I came across a letter I wrote in 2003 to the one I loved then. I always seem to have a letter for each of the loves I said goodbye to or they said farewell to me. I found this one, still crisp and unsent as the day I wrote it.

With no more of past ghosts to haunt me, I opened the letter and read it. It had been so long that the glue had even turned yellow. Yet, the paper was still fresh and the words still clear. As I read line after line, long forgotten memories came back to mind.

I must have really loved him then.

As human beings, we always ask "What is Love?" It seems like an endless pursuit for human beings to understand this mystery. Just when you thought you found the answer, love seeks to prove you wrong. It runs and yet shows itself for you to seek. When found, it runs again, too shy for you to strip it naked and be understood.

I believe that the journey is a neverending one. It is a journey where the destination does not matter because at every point you would have found an answer and that was all that really mattered.

At every age and in every relationship, we look at, deal with and understand love in a different way. The difference may be slight or vast depending on your own personal history. Yet, I believe that whatever definition of love one had at any point is as true as any other one at any other one time.

Some people look back and say "I didn't know love then."

My question would be "When will you ever know?"

If it felt like love then, like Roxette sings - It must have been love. Don't deny the feeling then if it was true. It would be unfair to yourself and your memory. Embrace and let go.

As we grow up, our views change and so do our visions of love. When I read that letter, I revisited my notion of love then and no doubt understood the folly and the reason why it had to end.

However, at the end, this is what I felt.

I must have really loved him then.

The Look

For someone who believes that one should cherish the body God gave you, I sometimes do wish I had a more approchable face.

If I were to go into default blank expression, I look unapproachable based on feedback over the years. Well, I am sorry I am not born to look like sunshine when I am not looking like anything. So I try to smile. But I am not a celebrity and I cannot smile even when I am dead tired. I really salute them for their everlasting ability to smile for the camera.

Friends often say I "don't look the type'' for a lot of things. I don't look like the type who would wanna put dinner on the table for my husband, I don't look like the type to cook, I don't look like the type who would read manga, I don't look like the type who would want to do humanitarian work blah blah blah.

So I look like hard type career woman who just wants money and reads Fortune in my leisure? I think I look less of that now thoough I probably looked more in the past. Friends who took time to know me will know that while I have my tempers, I can be as cock and feminine as "I don't look the type".

That's the reason why I hate discrimination and biasness. I don't want to treat people the way I wouldn't want to be treated.

The upside is when I want to be left alone, it isn't that difficult and there are times I do. The upside is despite as ordinary looking as I may be, I still have normal features which I feel blessed for. Still, I do wish it would be easier for people to approach me.

I personally think a person's looks reflects the person's inner state of mind or heart. Happiness is a women's best cosmetic. This is why they say a woman is most beautiful when she is in love. I personally feel beauty, more than being flawless, is about this glow that comes from inside- a glow that warms you even if the person had wrinkles, freckles and all. That I believe, comes when a person has found his or her state of balance and calm in life.

I hope to find that one day and meanwhile, I will try to smile more okay? If I look black faced, it may not be me being angry but I am just spacing out. Talk to me okay?

Path To Your Dreams

Yesterday I went to a friend's farewell party. Having pursued dancing all her life, she finally landed herself a place in a dance company - the much dreamed about goal of all dancers.

I must say I am envious...which self-respecting dancer wouldn't?

Instead of wasting energy on something like envy, I would just like to say it's a simple example of how if one has a dream, a goal and relentless perseverance, success would come one day.

Congratulations girl, I am so happy for you.

P.S.: I will publish and be a profitable best selling author one day who writes meaningful things for people. Goal setting right? :P

Kinda Sad, Isn't It?

I am gonna whine a little.

I have always regarded myself as pretty independent but there are times when I do wish for support from those who matter. I know they can't always be there but there are certain times and stages in life where you wish that those who matter are there.

I always look back and regret I wasn't there for my buddy when she first started out in MLM. I wasn't there when she was struggling to make her business a success. I wasn't there when she needed my support the most. I was there to witness her success but I wasn't there to hold her during her climb. This till today, remains a regret.

It's strange really. I don't know why but it seemed that during most times when I really hoped for the support of those who matter, it wasn't there. Sometimes they were, but most of the time, it had to come to a point where I was crying for help. For the times that they were there, I truly am grateful and I feel blessed.

Sad things aside, there are also important things in my life that I hope to share with those who matter because I cannot possibly share my life without it.

Recently, writing has become a very big part part of my life. If one were to ask me to share about my life, writing would definitely be a part of it. Yet, I realised recently that if I were to ever publish in future and if I were to write a page of acknowledgment of thanks to the people who have stood by me all the way, there would be few of the names I hope to see there.

I am guilty of it too. I sometimes forget to be there when I am needed. But the truth is, when that stage passes, there is no way you can share that anymore. The time has passed and so has the opportunity. As time passes, I stop sharing because I don't know how to share it anymore. Just like when I failed to be there, I missed out on a big part of that stage of her life.

If I were to ever look back and write that page of acknowledgment for the people who have stayed with me all the way, I would not be able to write my family or most of my close friends in real life. Instead, it would be filled with nicknames of people whom I don't even know their real names, people from all over the world who have read, commented and encouraged me since day one.

I understand that everybody's busy and my parents can't really read English so I can't really expect people to be there but sometimes it does feel a little sad that it is perfect strangers who understand the love in my life more than the people whom I thought would understand. I really don't blame them because I have learnt to accept it. It simply means I have to learn to be a better storyteller and/or a better friend.

But still, for the times that they were there, I am truly blessed.

The Center of All Creation

The government is always trying to ask people to be creative these days. You can trust the Singapore government to always come up with fancy programmes and even fancier buildings for our intiatives. Please don't misunderstand, our government is right in saying creativity is important but you can't quite force creativity. You can take time to nurture it but It is in writing that I discovered one thing recently.

The center of all creation is love.

I can quite safely say that people who work in artistically related jobs be it in art itself, music, drama and writing do it out of love. Yes there are those who do it for money but anyone knows that behind every person who actually makes a big buck out of this lays many many others who are struggling with survival or working to make ends meet so that they may try to pursue their love. If not for love, who would commit such insanity?

It is not just about artistically related work. Even in science or maths, new inventions, theories and formulas are found based on love and passion. Without that, what would drive people to the state of obsessiveness in the search for a new breakthrough? People called Einstein and Newton insane just like some who say the line between a genius and a madman is thin. Why else would anyone go through thousand tries to find the light bulb?

Yet look at what that little light bulb has done for mankind.

Depending on your faith, you may or may not believe that the world is the creation of a single being. The world is so much more polluted these days but if you look at how the entire natural system is supposed to work, it truly is the greatest invention of all time. The human body which still is a work of mystery to scientists and doctors is but a simple example. How does anyone think of all these? Love, I tell you if you believe in God and that Man is born out of God's love.

Some people are naturally creative but I never think that the process of creation is easy. An idea may come more easily to one who is more open to creation but the whole process of bringing the idea to its birth and full glory is a tedious, and in many situations, a painful one.

An idea is but an idea. It is in refining that idea that hours are tolled over. It is in the sweat, stress and tears that ideas are completed. Just look at entrepreneurs. The journey of an entrepreneur starts with an idea, goes on to the business plan where the idea is so brutally torn apart sometimes it becomes a different thing altogether. Even when the idea comes to life, it becomes the start of a platform for more ideas, more sweat and more toll.

Sounds tough? Then why do people do it?

Love. Some use the word passion.

It is possible to do it without love. However, if one should actually make money out of what he loves, it eventually comes to a point where one begins to question if he or she can continue without love. Work of creation dies when there isn't enough love to sustain it. Even if the work can still be produced, a certain magic is gone.

That brings me to what people always say about one must love what one does. Yes it possible one doesn't need to, but that passion makes all that difference - the difference between working as a robot and working as a human.

Grand Chef My Food

Haha I cooked at a friend's place the other day and she took some pictures. Made Kimchi Chigae (Kimchi Stew), Pa Jeon (Pancake), Scrambled Eggs with Prawn and Tofu.

White Love Story

Once in a while, the romantic in me wants to listen to a sweet love song so that I may remember how sweet love can be. So there you go, a lovely song with sweet lyrics.

White Love Story
As One
Coffee Prince OST

The Universe Between The Pages

Today, something came to mind as I was reading a book...maybe cos I been reading good books?


"The beauty of a book is in that a story is but a mere chip of the boundless world that resides in the writer's mind; a world where no plane or ship can find its boundaries; a universe where one needs nothing but imagination to sail endless horizons."


Haha does it make sense? I just thought of it when I felt that there are really universes to be found between the pages of a book because every piece of work is a product of a writer's hard work and imagination.

From my readings recently, I have travelled through India, Bali, tasted the best pizza in the world in Italy, walked through the beauty of peaceful Afghanistan, swung a wand and all - all from the comfort of my seat. What would we do without the graces of human imagination and sincere writing?

If anyone actually likes it enough to quote it somewhere else...my pen name is Kismet Eve. Yup if I ever get to publish, this will be my name. (*laughs* give this writer a cookie will you?)

The Definition of Happiness

Last week, I heard of a friend who finally decided to give up him current profession as a doctor to pursue his true love: music.

You may think he's crazy but frankly I envied his guts so I asked him out for coffee to catch up on his leap of faith.

He told me it's not that he didn't like what he's doing or that it was not a noble job. Like many, he had surrendered to the thoughts of not wanting to be frowned upon. Thus, he figured he can do medicine and play music. That would be pretty cool.

Cool he was indeed.

Yet. he always felt he was not being completely honest to himself...that there was something else he had a burning desire to do.

Maybe it's because I hear this so often. Maybe it is because I hear it so often that I intend to write a story on this theme. Or maybe it's because there are questions of my own that I need answering too.

Very often, I hear people telling me that they dreamt of being a singer, artist, writer and everything. Yet, the challenge and reality of these professions have often turned people another way. Thus, I am always intrigued by people who find the courage to do what they want.

He admits it comes with sacrifice. Maybe he won't be rich, famous, won't own a big car, house or much material comfort. However, he decided what he wanted when he literally looked at himself in the mirror one day and told himself "Dude you are not being honest with yourself."

A friend once told me if you don't seek a fancy lifestyle, there are a lot of things you can do. If you can accept not being rich, not owning a house bigger than your neighbour, a car more fancy than your peers, there are a lot more things you can do. Alas, vanity is one sin that is just so difficult for humans to get rid of.

Myself included.

There are many things that people hold dear in their lives. However, I do realise one thing. There is a difference in the way people choose to lead their lives depending on how they view life and what their priorities are. People like this friend have mine will tend to hold happiness with great importance - "The most important thing in life is to be happy."

Now, this will lead us back to the definition of happiness in the first place. Some people associate wealth with happiness, some social acceptance with happiness, some superiority with happiness and so on. With that, people will tend to chart their lives according to the priorities they hold dear. The kind of happiness that my friend in question or those like him are looking for is something that is more closely related to self-actualisation, something a little more intangible. It would not be possible for someone who's very rooted in the practicalities in life to be able to understand his pursuit. Love and great achievement in the arts does call for a little insanity at times.

One of the areas we talked about today was in this area called happiness - a large grey area that everyone wants a piece of and yet no one really knows what it is.

He asked me what I felt happiness was. I told him happiness in pure form is just what it is- a feeling of happiness without the need for something to spring it into existence. No need for pay rise, new car, hot boyfriend and so on to make one feel happy. He says happiness is the result of self management of contentment. In a way, we are talking about the same thing.

He went on to give me an example. If you think about all the times that you were happy, be it as simple as playing your favourite game, it makes you happy because you are in the moment. You ain't thinking about the past or the future. Like some say, why fret over what cannot be changed and worry about what has yet to come? Being in the now gives you the capability to enjoy the moment to its fullest. Enjoying that contentment gives you the room to be happy.

I am sure there are people who will disagree but in a way, I have to agree with him.

Like I said in my last post, there are still less than perfect areas in my life but generally. it doesn't feel that bad and I do feel a certain sense of happiness. Maybe it's because I have learnt to let go of many things like being at peace for being single, learning not to envy or simply loving the present more?

Everybody has different things that make them happy. Not everyone needs such an intangible and seemingly unreachable definition of happiness. However, what I do realise is everyone has a different definition of happiness. I have spent such a long time looking around for what may make me happy instead of looking inside to seek an answer. It is useless to look at someone else's definition and try to seek that as your own if it is not what truly makes you happy.

It is not only important to find happiness; more importantly, it is about finding one that is your own.

The search continues.

Eve Notebook - The Kite Runner

I am truly blessed this year to have received wonderful gifts of great books from friends this year. The latest gift I received, The Kite Runner, had been on my mind and fate would have it to bring this book to me from a friend who didn't know.

The author, Khaled Hosseini, was born in Afghanistan thus you can trust that a lot of the things you read about in this story is probably as raw and true as it can get.

This overview was taken off Bloomsbury's website:

"Unfolding against Afghanistan’s destructive history, from the fall of the monarchy to the oppression of the Northern Alliance and the advent of the Taliban, The Kite Runner is a story of fathers and sons, friendship and betrayal, and the casualties of fate.

At the heart is Amir, whose childhood betrayal of his closest friend alters the course of his life until he discovers that ‘there is a way to be good again’. "

Frankly, I think this description does the story no justice. You have to read it for yourself to see how richly the author has told this story. It is a story about family, kinship, brotherhood, friendship, honor, righteousness, forgiveness and perhaps above all, redemption. It is amazing how the author brings you through all these themes without imposing them on you.

I love how the author introduces elements which allow the reader to peek into what a peaceful Afghanistan might have been. I love how those seemingly irrelevant and unimportant details tell so much about each of the characters and eventually bring you into the whirlpool of the story. The story starts so simply, brings you through an unsuspecting ride to finally finish off with an ending that makes you come all round and say "wow". I felt shivers of joy at the ending.

This story will move, provoke and shake you.

Now I can't wait for the film!

About The Kite Runner at Bloomsbury site:
http://www.bloomsbury.com/Authors/microsite.asp?id=480&section=1&aid=1763

The Author's website:
http://www.khaledhosseini.com/

Movie Trailer:
http://www.bloomsbury.com/flashvideos/video.asp?vid_id=kiterunner.flv&vid_sz=5

End of Yet Another Year

Ah it has come to the time of the year where I sum up the year that is going to pass. If you care enough to read, thank you :)

There was once upon a point in my life where love was all important, where weekends were best spent partying and where dressing was more flamboyant.

Today, I prefer to spend time at home or with friends in cosy settings. I drink little if not none at all. My ideal gift (other than money haha) would be good books or CDs because they help me in writing. I prefer laid back and casual. I don't try hard to impress. Yeah maybe I am not a social animal but at least you know I am being sincere. Socialistic hypocrisy ain't my thing.

Overall, I would say this is a better year than 2006. There are many things for me to feel happy about. As I wave goodbye to the year that gave me a really cool birthday date on 20.07.2007, these are the things that made my year:

1) Writing

I really can't possibly dismiss how important this discovery has been to me. You probably know by now that I love writing and there have been people who have encouraged me to pursue writing more.

It is by pure accident that I started writing fiction. I really have to thank DBSK for that, for giving me inspiration, Hei Bi who started me on fanfics and the many readers who have accompanied me along the way. Without that, I would not have started writing on a whim of fancy to discover how much I enjoy and how this may turn out to be a serious calling for me.

Writing gave me reprieve and brought me joy, not to mention the many friends that I have since known. They come from all over the world - Canada, France, Venezuela, Korea and so on. Never mind that we have never met, their heartfelt words and encouragement have touched my heart greatly. To these many strangers and a handful of real life friends who have shown their support for my work, read, commented and regularly stayed updated - they have made this path so much less lonely.

If you are one of them, thank you. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the support because it is simply such an important part of my life now. For being part of this important part, thank you.

2) Yoga

I have been wanting to do Yoga for the longest time. I held it off until I finally decided to try to improve my flexibility. It turned out to be one of the most important fitness discoveries I will ever find. I was so impressed that I even cancelled my gym membership and signed up for a yoga membership instead.

In yoga I found peace. I also believe it to be responsible for improvements in my flexibility, patience, health and energy levels. I didn't believe it until I tried it and like they say, I have never looked back. I always look forward to Yoga every week now.

3) Happiness

I remember once writing about happiness and the pursue for happiness. We often find happiness in other things but at some point I started to wonder about the possibility of pure happiness - happiness that does not result from owning something, but exists just because one is purely happy.

I can't say that I have found it. But I can say maybe I experienced a little of what it may feel like.

For a long time, I could not bring myself to say I am happy. I had too much to be unhappy about. Thus, you can imagine my surprise and joy when I recently started saying to people that "I am generally happy with my life."

Folks, I have not achieved financial independence and some woes continue to plague me. My health is not at its best even if it has recovered so much. I am not at my slimmest and neither has my skin finally reached my dream porcelain state. Like many others, I have many things I still want or want more of.

Yet, I can surprisingly bring myself to say I am happy. Happy to be on my own, happy that I don't need another person to feel complete, happy that I have friends, happy that I have a roof over my head and just so many mundane things - but to sum it up, it isn't so bad. I am sure discovering writing has a big part of play but still...

If you wanna know how much this means to me, try telling another person that you are happy. There are not that many people I know who are capable of seriously saying that. If you can, I truly from the bottom of my heart, congratulate you.

4) Sotong family

Oh yes, we shriek and shrill over the silliest things but I have found true friends in sotong family. They have made this year so much more fun and I am truly thankful for their friendship.

5) Connecting with friends

I must say I have connected more with some friends whom I really should have connected more with. For that, I am thankful.

Now, for the wishes for the new year ahead...

1) I hope to met good clients, hit my targets and for the studio to do well = more money heh heh
2) I hope to keep writing and to polish my writing to make it good enough to publish or film.
3) I hopw my writing project comes through and it gets published.
4) I hope to stay in good health and good shape (yes, vain).
5) I hope to be even better at saving money (hey I made improvements this year).
6) I hope to improve in Korean and visit Korea this year.
7) I hope to connect more with my family and people that matter.
8) I hope to meet Leader-shi kekekeke

The list goes on...I will try to add on :)

And as always, Thank you to God and all the nice people I have met who have made life wonderful for me this year.

Eve Notebook - Bangkok Dec 2007

I just went to Bangkok last weekend for five absolutely hot guys.

No, not a dirty weekend. Sorry to disappoint you.

They are...

Dong Bang Shin Ki, The Rising Gods of The East

Ok I shall not try to digress from the objective of this post which is to talk about Bangkok.

Bangkok traffic is still bad as ever. A bad jam can drag out what may be an hour trip to two. I stayed at Dusit Thani hotel which was situated just outside Silom train station. It's proximity to the Sala Daeng BTS station also made it convenient to get around.

Being a major hotel, Dusit Thani came with the full works: pool (a tad too small), gym (which was very impressive by the way), restaurants and spa. The rooms were nicely furnished though there wasn't much of a view frankly. The service was pretty helpful though I really would have expected their frontline staff to have a stronger command of English.

I didn't get to shop much or walk around much this time but I did find a very nice little joint a few minutes away from the hotel.

Unfortunately, I was down with possible infection of the intestines just before the trip. Thus, I had to avoid overly strong food during the trip. Thus, you can imagine my joy when I found Wai Thai.

Using a modern open kitchen concept along with cool jazz music in the air, Wai Thai was cool and clean. Claiming to serve healthy Thai food made with fresh ingredients and no oil, no salt, no sugar and no MSG added, I must say I was curious. Is it even possible?

Apparently it is.

My mushroom noodle soup came looking very decent. So it looks good, but does it taste good?

I must say I was suitably impressed with the taste. The dark soup was sweet with a tinge of mushroom. The vegetables were fresh and the mushrooms were succulent. The noodle was cooked to yummy softness. If they had managed to achieve such a taste without adding all that, I must say I have to be impressed. Even my drink of Carrot with Ginger was refreshing with just enough of ginger to not kill the drink.

I liked it so much that I went back for a second visit with my friend and she also found favor in the joint for its cool and cosy interiors along with healthy Thai food. The only thing I thought strange was that Paad Thai is cooked differently in Bangkok compared to here. The Paad Thai is actually sweet there compared to the salty ones here.

In terms of shopping, I went to MBK and nearby where I found a lot of cool t-shirts going for less than $10. Yes no prizes for guessing what I bought. Of course you do get people trying to get you into one of the sleazy joints where the ladies (maybe men too) with heavenlly bodies in bikinis will make you regret your sumptuous dinner, but hey it's all part of the charm.

I sure hope to see more of Bangkok next time :)

Eve Notebook - Pret A Manger

I found this place call Pret A Manger along busy Shenton Way by accident and may I say it was a wondrous discovery indeed.

All too often we have frozen food, MSG, too much salt or additives in our food when we eat out but the food served at Pret are made fresh daily with good health in mind. This is not to say they compromise in taste. Indeed, the light and tasty fare at Pret is a refreshing breeze compared to the much heavier food found in its neighbours.

The menu ranges from soup to salads, wraps and sandwiches. The ingredients are always fresh and the combinations are lovely. The price is a little higher than hawker fare but honestly I don't mind it for the freshness and how light it is on the waistline.

What keeps me going back again and again is one particular item that has caught my heart and stomach. It comes in a little pot like this:


THE Raspberry Granola Pret Pot

Hidden in this little pot is a little serving of light yoghurt (little because I really can possibly eat two of it) along with raspberry and granola. Do get the ones with granola in them. It just makes the taste so much richer. The light sour of yoghurt sweetened by fresh raspberry compote and natural granola....ahhhh what can I say....absolutely heavenly~~

The best part is they have inhouse wireless internet and and lovely music played all day. You can sit there and read or do work because it is not too noisy for most of the day except lunchtime. Cool ambience, healthy and nice food and friendly service...honestly what more can one ask for in busy Shenton Way?

短发

短发

不需要长发的抚魅
不需要过去的影子


放开

三千丝沉重的记忆
为过去的篇章划号一句

剪去

换取自由的轻盈
踏上天边无限的彩云

找到

全新而熟悉的自己
一个适合现在的自己

Way to Go Epik High!

I love this performance of tradition meets new world pop...awesome!

Fan
Epik High
Golden Disk Awards

Tears For A Stranger

Today I was watching a funny video and I laughed till I saw the end "By Kayem7289".

I never knew.

I must have watched so many videos by her and laughed to it, not knowing it was her work. I must have read so many of her posts and saved so many of the pics she gave without knowing.

I never knew her and yet I felt like I saw so much of her around and how she continues to leave all these pieces of her behind.

This is a tribute made by Kay's sister, containing the excerpts of the words she wrote 2 days before she died.




Kay's Last Letter

-November 30, 2007! Woot!

Well, hey girls. If this entry is being read at this moment, then that means that fate has finally gotten to me. (It's about time, fate! *Shakes fist angrily at sky* LOL)I am writing this last entry today because I am not feeling too well at the moment, and yes, I know, we all get a little sick once in a while, but I just feel...Different this time. It sounds a little pessimistic, but I know, know, know that my time is coming, and any day now...I will back in my appa's arms, catching up on nearly nine lost years.

It's been 8 days since I said goodbye to the cyberworld, but this time, I'm saying farewell and good luck to everyone here in the real world. Or in other words, you earthlings xD! Sounds like an alien, huh? Just remember that this is Earth that we are talking about, our first life, our hardest life, and that the best is in store. Technically it's already December 1st because it's 2:04 am right now and I see the snow falling from the sky, and it makes me feel all jittery all of a sudden. I don't really like to play in the snow, but seeing the land covered in bright white, makes such an ugly world, look so beautiful and calm. It makes me forget about all the sadness and pain out there, just for a second as I gaze into the purified world. However, just like life, the beauty is only temporary, and before you know it, spring comes and new flowers bloom. What does this tell us? Life that seems like it has ended, is still there, just sleeping and waiting for the right time to reappear. I might not be here physically, but my thoughts, my wishes, my abandoned hopes; all still linger here, waiting to be fulfilled.

I dreamt of becoming a mother, a wife, an employee for a big company (lol), and even though none of them were probable, I still lived a wonderful, beautiful life. Who says fairy tales always have a happy ending? Who said beautiful movies or stories always had to end the way everyone wanted it to? The beauty of life is that it is mysterious, it's unfair, it gives us exactly what we don't want! It is all of a matter of how you look at it. Are you going to cry and sulk about how life is treating you unfairly, or live it to the fullest and rub it all in life's face [if he/she had one, that is].

"Hey, life! You're being an bubble gum, but I'm still happy! HAH!"
There's a greater prize waiting for us, but you'll have to earn it.

Please be kind to my sister, Cindy. She is just a 15 year old gal, trying to live a normal life, and is probably an emotional wreck by now.

I know that I always rely on her to bring the bad news, but remember, she's just my messenger, don't harass her for anything...Or bring up perverted thoughts! *Stares at perverted girls at the corner* Oh Cindy, my little naive dongsaeng, unnie is going to miss calling you every week...But try to stay strong and just remember that I'll always be your awesome unnie lol. I know that all the times we've seen each other recently, have been rather sullen, but the next time you see me, I'll be healthy! No more tubes connected to by nose, no needles in my arms and no wheelchair! I'll be that unnie you grew up knowing, the one who was never afraid of anything, the one who told you to live your life on the wild side! This goes out to everyone as well. Anticipate our next meeting, neh?

I'm so sorry, girls! I know that I am supposed to come back in ten days, but I guess I was dreaming too far ahead.

I really wanted to make it through one more Christmas, to spend with you all, and to make New Year's resolutions as well.

I guess I'll never have the chance to indulge in chocolates during Valentine's Day, or chug one or two beers for St. Patrick's Day, but at least all my wonderful girls still have that opportunity. Celebrate on my behalf, leave a cup of soda for me, buy me a box of chocolates lol, or maybe not...Your parents might get a bit weirded out about it all.

"I see dead people." OMO!

You know what I mean though...Don't take all these little things for granted, or you'll regret it when you get in my shoes one day. "I wish I would've eaten more on Thanksgiving last year," or "I really should've bought my mom that gift she wanted for Christmas." I beg of you, girls, please, life is not a game where you can just go move by move hoping for the best. You must think everything through and through, make all your decisions count!

No tears! You guys are lucky I wasn't able to bash all your heads in with my plank lol. I don't want to see all those tears when I'm gone, just think about all those great times we've had.

As long as you don't erase me, or my existence, I'll always be alive.Keep living, keep dreaming, keep wishing, keep hoping, keep breathing and keep waiting...For me.

Before you know it, we'll be having conversations again like nothing ever even changed. I'll be waiting for you guys up there, don't keep me waiting too long, okay?

Holy crap this is long! My last message and it's so asdjklasdf long lol, sorry if I bored you to death!

Peace out homes! Lol, I'm a gangster now, apparently.*Blows everyone kisses*

<3>



This part really got me crying...

"Life that seems like it has ended is still there, just sleeping and waiting for the right time to reappear. I might not be here physically, but my thoughts, my wishes, my abandoned hopes; all still linger here, waiting to be fulfilled."

I cannot begin to imagine the dreams that the 18 year old Kyung Min had...all abandoned.

People, life is really too precious to be lived in any way that is less than the most we can and want to be, in any way that is less happy than what it deserves...

May your days be lived to the maximum of your dreams and hopes.

Goodbye Kayem7289

Cancer has taken another young girl's life.

Some of you may remember me writing about a girl who died of cancer sometime back. Now, another girl from soompi has also passed away from cancer.

It's so sudden isn't it?

I didn't know her at all but I have seen her nick so many times on one of the threads I frequent. I remember her nick, her posts and the long farewell she wrote when she decided to leave the forum due to all that was going on in her life.

She's only 18 this year.

I would like to share some excerpts from one of the last posts she wrote and I hope it will give you some perspective from someone who truly was on life's border. If you are her family and wish me to remove this, please let me know. I will gladly do so.

"Last year on August 18, I was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma after going to the hospital for a bruised hip. If you don't know what Ewing's Sarcoma is, it is a form of bone cancer that usually occurs in males more than females. For every five males diagnosed with this illness, one female is affected, and I was that lucky candidate. Which gives me the urge to find the five guys before me and give them a good shaking lol. What happens to the bones is that a chromosome moves out of place and into the wrong...Well, DNA strand. Which is why it's more common in males, when they go through the growth spurt, it forces the bones to adapt and change too rapidly, causing the [already corrupt] chromosomes to go out of whack even more. I grew from 5'2 in freshmen year to 5'8 in junior year, and I also went through a dramatic weight loss, so if there were any contributions to my illness, the blame is all on me and my body. Actually, information about this cancer is still limited so any information I give out, is what I've either been told by a doctor or researched.

The survival rate for bone cancer is usually moderately high, ranging from the 50-70's, UNLESS the cancer metastasizes (spreads), and then your chances of survival dramatically dive...Which is what happened exactly in my case. When I first was diagnosed, I was a stage two patient and the cells were stabilized in my right leg and hip...However, after my last checkup in September, I became a stage four patient (stage five means you are literally on the deathbed waiting for Death's call) because the cells had metastasized into my lungs, pancreas and liver (although I was told that I was getting better). Once you become a stage four patient, there is not much more the doctors or medical staff can do anymore to improve your condition, literally, they can't do anything for you anymore except attempt to perform surgery or intense chemo/radiotherapy (which would still provide just a placebo effect). Like I mentioned above, people diagnosed with bone cancer usually live for years and years because of the high survival rate, until you get to my case...I have approximately six months to live and a 34% of living my life to the fullest.. So right now, I'm in the acceptance stage; I've accepted what is already coming and have fully prepared myself for what is to inevitably come. Now, it's time to fulfill lost dreams and say all that I have left to say so that I can leave peacefully with no regrets. My dad died of cancer when I was nine as well, so I will probably succumb the same way he did. However, I am not angry about dying, in fact, I am looking forward to it [mildly] just because I will be able to be with him again.

I also know that some people must be wondering where I have been for the past week or so, on my so-called trip lol. Well, first and foremost, I apologize about deceiving you all about saying that I was going on a trip when in fact I wasn't. It was actually my first operation, to remove benign tumors from my pancreas and liver, as well as getting a part of my hip replaced. I KNEW it was not going to improve my health at all, but it was for my mom. I knew that undergoing the surgery would at least re-assure her that I was trying harder, so I did it for her. My mom, how I will miss her so much. Her cooking, her crazy stories, her love...I'm just glad that when I pass, such a burden will be lifted off her shoulders and she can live peacefully with my siblings. I am so proud of my mother, having to go through TWO loves of her life dying of cancer and still striving for the best in life. "

"What I've Learned:

Take what you can, and leave what you can't. Seriously, that saying is just...Too true. I've tried as hard as I could to be nice to everyone, as well as being on good terms with whomever I met, but I guess the world just doesn't work that way. You win some, and you lose some. I spent SIX months trying to befriend a member here at Soompi, showering her with replies and compliments, only to discover that she had been talking mini cooper about me all this time. Not only that, to her friends as well. Which brought in new insight: it's THEIR loss, not mine. Why would I want to be friends with someone who talks crap about other people anyway, and without justifiable reasons at that? She knows EXACTLY who she is, so no need to bring up names, but all I know is that I tried, and when someone dislikes you for no apparent reason, then there's nothing else you can do about it...Except, move on. She and her little friends can say crap about me all they want because well, I'm not going to let the comments of such 'high-class' ladies effect me ('monkey-faced', seriously, that's the best you could come up with?). I was pissed at first, but now...I could care less, in fact, I encourage more trash talk, it's entertaining when strangers hate you!

Just be yourself and say whatever the hell you want, well...At least in a tasteful manner. I make no apologies for any of my "essays" because I honestly don't feel like they were offensive enough to have to redeem myself for. In fact, I'd rank them as controversial, but hardly offensive in any way, shape or form. I DO, however, apologize for the times when I deliberately tried to argue with people just so I could gain an ego boost. If you didn't like what I wrote to begin with, why do you bother reading my works anyway? Ever heard of the ignore list or skipping a certain post? Also, I firmly believe I wrote everything as tastefully as possible, so I feel no guilt for what I wrote. Take it or leave it, simple as that.I've also learned that there are more good people out there, than bad. I may have stumbled across a few nasty girls here and there, but overall, people are generally more warm than critical and condescending. It seems the good are usually overlooked because of just a few people, but when you are in my shoes and have no time to analyze what is what, you take what you can and cherish it. If people are going to respect me, I will reciprocate, and if people choose to be negative, then it's better to just move on. It's always better to assume the best in people whether first impressions result in hat judgment or not.

Finally, the last, extremely cliche saying...Live life to the fullest like there is no tomorrow. You don't really fully take that line into consideration until something so drastic forces you to change. I believe we all still take life for granted and don't strive for the best, well...This is KAY speaking from the heart, please do not take your life for granted because it is a precious gift that you should cherish and hold on to for as long as you can. Life, for me, is trying to escape from the world and I am hanging on to it by a thread...I don't know how much longer this thread can hold or support my will to keep living on until I grow old and gray, but I WILL make it work to my best ability...I hope that you will, too, no matter what situation you are in."

May your soul rest in peace, Moon Kyung Min otherwise known as kayem7289.