I read this in an email a friend sent me and thought it was a good article to share..An important thing to think about I guess
TRAVEL LIGHT
By Dr. John C. Maxwell
One of the first international trips my wife, Margaret, and I took together was to Japan. When we were choosing luggage for our journey, we decided toget the biggest suitcases we could find. It seemed like a logical idea at the time. After all, the bigger the suitcase, the more we could pack in it.Unfortunately, while we were packing, it never once occurred to me that we were going to have to carry those bags wherever we went.
Now, if you know anything at all about Japan, you know that traveling by rail is often the best way to get around there. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time lugging our suitcases in and out of train stations. I remember going to one particular depot with two bags that were as big as me, both stuffed nearly to bursting. I was struggling to get to the train with my suitcases,Margaret was struggling down the street with hers, and neither of us was very happy about the whole situation.Finally, I'd had enough. I stopped right where I was, put the suitcases down and said, "Margaret, anyone who can carry these suitcases can have them! I'm just going to leave them right here. I'm not carrying them anymore."
That little incident, which my sweet wife and I jokingly say is closest we ever came to getting divorced, taught us a valuable lesson: Travel light.
Margaret and I learned this lesson so well that, on subsequent trips, we've literally gone out of the country with nothing but our carry-on luggage. In addition to preserving our marital bliss, traveling light alleviates the stress of keeping track of numerous bags, saves time previously spent waiting around at airport baggage claims and keeps us from getting worn out before we ever get to our destination. On top of all that, it doesn't take us nearly as long to unpack once we get home.
As helpful as it is to travel light on a business trip or vacation, it's even more critical to travel light through life. Let me explain what I mean. Many people go through life with far too much emotional baggage. They didn't necessarily intend to fill the biggest bags they could find with their personal junk, but along the way, they've somehow managed to collectquite a stash. A chip on the shoulder here; an ugly batch of pent-up anger there. Ten years' worth of hurt feelings here; three decades of rejection there. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Sadly, these individuals fail to realize the damage their excess baggage is inflicting on themselves and others. For example, a recent survey indicatedthat people with emotional problems are 144 percent more likely to have automobile accidents than those who do not have such problems. In addition,one of the study's most sobering findings was that one out of every five victims of fatal accidents had quarreled with someone in the six hours before the accident.
This is why it's so important to practice what I call "keeping short accounts." When you keep a short account, you ask for forgiveness quickly when you hurt someone. When you treat someone badly, you make it right as soon as possible. You don't hold grudges. You don't go to bed angry. You don't allow your own injured feelings to fester into bitterness or resentment.
The importance of keeping short accounts really hit home with me when I had a heart attack several years ago. As I lay there, honestly not knowing if Iwas going to live or die, I felt a tremendous amount of peace because I knew my relational ledger was clean. Ironically, the thought that kept coming to my mind during those first tense hours was, "I don't have to call anybody on the phone."
It was true. I didn't have to make any last-ditch apologies or ninth-hour requests for forgiveness because I had made an intentional effort to travel light through life.From a practical standpoint, traveling light means that I have to ask somebody to forgive me almost every day. It means that I often have to sit down with Margaret and say, "I'm sorry for using that tone of voice; I was wrong." It means that I have to initiate reconciliation with people who have offended me, not wait for them to make the first move.None of this is easy. It's often humbling and hard on my ego.
And yet, the alternative is much worse. Failing to travel light blurs your focus on what really matters and impairs your ability to live and lead effectively. So ifyou're carrying a bunch of excess baggage, get rid of it. Write a letter.Make a phone call. Do whatever you need to do.Just do it now. You've got more important things to do than cart around unnecessary and potentially life-threatening uggage for the rest of your life.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Someone Loves Me *Laughs*
Someone said "I Love You" to me last night..though in a drunken and hyper state..thank you..I love you too *laughs* If not for love, I don't know what it is that made me go with you last few days *laughs*
Wah I can't believe it..thanks to the benefit of my gal, I have been out to the clubs 3 days in a row...gee I have not clubbed so much in a long time man. It was fun last night cos I haven't met all the loves of my life in a long time..ahhhh so happy to see you guys...
I am very happy to have you guys in my life after so many years..so much sh*t..so many funny things..having you guys in my life is certainly one of the highlights in my life..a pillar of happiness..I hope our friendship lasts and till the very end, I will be happy and proud to exclaim this again.
Dear God, thank you very much for my buddies..you know who you are :)
Looking Back 2
I can't really say it's the best or worst thing...you are probably the most unexpected, the happiest and saddest thing that happened to me for 2005..
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Looking Back 1
One thing I love about swimming is that when I swim, I don't need to think and things will come to me suddenly with amazing clarity. Exercise has this wonderful effect on people ..more oxygen maybe?
It's the time of the year again. I walked down Orchard Road and saw the pretty lights. It's the time of the year when people relax, have fun and think back on the year.
I remember about 3 years ago, a friend asked me at East Coast what I wanted to do. I told him of the many things I hope to do before 30. He told me at that point.."Cat, you'll have to make sacrifices."
I think at that point, I saw what he meant but I didn't understand it or wanted to accept it as much as when I met a very successful woman recently. Ladies, we expect a lot of our men. The fact is they do make a lot of sacrifices that we may not know about. The same goes for women...success comes at a price.
I think the lucky thing for me was I saw my vision when I was young. I saw it but I was not ready for it. I took a long road..gained much...lost much...disappointed people who loved me..saw things I liked..learnt things that I didn't like..it's been a long winding road.
I remember the end of 2004, I really looked forward to 2005. I mean I REALLY for the first time in my life couldn't wait for a new year to come. The past 3 years has been full of upheavals..small maybe compared to some people..with 2005 possibly being a climax. I hope 2006 won't be the same..upheaval yes but in the way I would like it to be. I would very much like to say I finally feel more mentally and emotionally ready for the things I had wanted to do but I may well look back and say I was still not ready this time. Let's hope I really am...though I can say I certainly feel more ready than the time I had talked to my friend at East Coast...a feeling of the dust settling.
I don't want to make resolutions because I won't keep them. I would like to say I made a decision. A very simple one but one that took 3 years to get me ready for it. I won't say it..I just hope at the end of 2006 I have done it and am closer to where I would like to be.
It's the time of the year again. I walked down Orchard Road and saw the pretty lights. It's the time of the year when people relax, have fun and think back on the year.
I remember about 3 years ago, a friend asked me at East Coast what I wanted to do. I told him of the many things I hope to do before 30. He told me at that point.."Cat, you'll have to make sacrifices."
I think at that point, I saw what he meant but I didn't understand it or wanted to accept it as much as when I met a very successful woman recently. Ladies, we expect a lot of our men. The fact is they do make a lot of sacrifices that we may not know about. The same goes for women...success comes at a price.
I think the lucky thing for me was I saw my vision when I was young. I saw it but I was not ready for it. I took a long road..gained much...lost much...disappointed people who loved me..saw things I liked..learnt things that I didn't like..it's been a long winding road.
I remember the end of 2004, I really looked forward to 2005. I mean I REALLY for the first time in my life couldn't wait for a new year to come. The past 3 years has been full of upheavals..small maybe compared to some people..with 2005 possibly being a climax. I hope 2006 won't be the same..upheaval yes but in the way I would like it to be. I would very much like to say I finally feel more mentally and emotionally ready for the things I had wanted to do but I may well look back and say I was still not ready this time. Let's hope I really am...though I can say I certainly feel more ready than the time I had talked to my friend at East Coast...a feeling of the dust settling.
I don't want to make resolutions because I won't keep them. I would like to say I made a decision. A very simple one but one that took 3 years to get me ready for it. I won't say it..I just hope at the end of 2006 I have done it and am closer to where I would like to be.
MoS & The Right Thing
Ok somehow I managed to get myself into Ministry of Sound free for the pre-opening and opening party. Have you ever spent 1 hour in a carpark waiting to get out of it? I just did. I even fell asleep in the car..how ridiculous is that?
That aside, the club is gorgeous. The concept is good with different halls for different music along with matching chic decor. People are gorgeous too, though a lot of posers as well. Nice place to hang out, see and be seen though I must forewarn possible LONG queues. The R&B room music was lacklustre but overall the experience was great..will go again :)
I had a visitor I haven't hung out with in a long time today. I t was a surprise but it also made me realise some things will only be clear a long time after everything is over.
Today a friend told me something that set me thinking. Dear friend, I do wish I could tell you more...but I think it is not a good idea..maybe one day...Perhaps you will then agree the thing I have to do is the right thing because the thing I want to do is no longer an option to me anymore. You will probably tell me to do what I am doing even if it makes me unhappy because it is the best thing and the right thing to do. Maybe I have excuses, always have excuses...but in solitude...I spend a lot of time...sometimes too much...blaming myself. Maybe it is this I have to release along with other things.
Hmm I notice I tend to feel cold more easily these days...maybe I am getting slimmer? :P Now THAT'S an excuse for sure *laughs*
That aside, the club is gorgeous. The concept is good with different halls for different music along with matching chic decor. People are gorgeous too, though a lot of posers as well. Nice place to hang out, see and be seen though I must forewarn possible LONG queues. The R&B room music was lacklustre but overall the experience was great..will go again :)
I had a visitor I haven't hung out with in a long time today. I t was a surprise but it also made me realise some things will only be clear a long time after everything is over.
Today a friend told me something that set me thinking. Dear friend, I do wish I could tell you more...but I think it is not a good idea..maybe one day...Perhaps you will then agree the thing I have to do is the right thing because the thing I want to do is no longer an option to me anymore. You will probably tell me to do what I am doing even if it makes me unhappy because it is the best thing and the right thing to do. Maybe I have excuses, always have excuses...but in solitude...I spend a lot of time...sometimes too much...blaming myself. Maybe it is this I have to release along with other things.
Hmm I notice I tend to feel cold more easily these days...maybe I am getting slimmer? :P Now THAT'S an excuse for sure *laughs*
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Of Writing and Irony
Yesterday, a friend commented that bloggers are people unable to internalise and deal with things in their lives. Is it true?
I guess to a certain extent. I agree sometimes it becomes an outlet for things that happen around me or to people around me. Sometime when things pop up in my mind and I wonder so I put it down in writing. Why declare things for the world to see? Ever wondered maybe things that aren't meant to be shared will not be shared? Ever wondered maybe the messages are there but you won't see it unless you really read between the lines?
I like to write. A part of me always wanted to be a writer. I always wanted to write for a column if I could..a bit like Carrie in Sex and The City. I like to write about people because people are never the same..never black and white, good or bad. That's reserved for fairytales. I like reality where lines are never clear and irony is blatant. Irony is a fact of life. I like simplicity for its beauty, complexity for its mystery.
Sometimes I think I am a walking contradiction. It may be confusion but I like to see it as enjoying many different things in life. I like art, dance, sing, do girly things but yet I like the feeling on a bike and I wanna do kickboxing because of the strength and force behind it..the feeling I can break your neck if I wanted to *laughs*. I am emotional but I am masculine far more than many women especially after I moved out. A friend commented I am like a tomboy in a girly body. I am soft yet I am hard. I wished I was more feminine, swore less but that's me baby. One thing that really made me respect my previous guy was he could accept me for not being the sweetest thing you meet on the street.
I like this song..love the lyrics
Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
Oh but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads
And they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all
I guess to a certain extent. I agree sometimes it becomes an outlet for things that happen around me or to people around me. Sometime when things pop up in my mind and I wonder so I put it down in writing. Why declare things for the world to see? Ever wondered maybe things that aren't meant to be shared will not be shared? Ever wondered maybe the messages are there but you won't see it unless you really read between the lines?
I like to write. A part of me always wanted to be a writer. I always wanted to write for a column if I could..a bit like Carrie in Sex and The City. I like to write about people because people are never the same..never black and white, good or bad. That's reserved for fairytales. I like reality where lines are never clear and irony is blatant. Irony is a fact of life. I like simplicity for its beauty, complexity for its mystery.
Sometimes I think I am a walking contradiction. It may be confusion but I like to see it as enjoying many different things in life. I like art, dance, sing, do girly things but yet I like the feeling on a bike and I wanna do kickboxing because of the strength and force behind it..the feeling I can break your neck if I wanted to *laughs*. I am emotional but I am masculine far more than many women especially after I moved out. A friend commented I am like a tomboy in a girly body. I am soft yet I am hard. I wished I was more feminine, swore less but that's me baby. One thing that really made me respect my previous guy was he could accept me for not being the sweetest thing you meet on the street.
I like this song..love the lyrics
Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
Oh but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads
And they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all
Monday, December 12, 2005
The Paradox of Power
I saw this in a friend's blog and loved it. Have a read and ponder :)
Saturday, December 10, 2005
"The Parafaith War"- An Excerpt
I reread the entire book again. This is one of the things that really affected my view on power. It talks about violence, but power comes with the ability to create this violence. To me, it talks about the responsibility that comes with the wielding of power.
"Can violence and the use of force to effect change upon the universe be left to the young? Do they see what was, what is, and what might yet be? Have they suffered, watched evil fall upon the good, or good upon the evil?"
Or should the burden of violence be left to those who can bear it most lightly - upon those who have closed their minds or their feelings? How then can they understand the suffering that they must inflict?"
Should the burden of force be laid upon the short-lived, who will not see the consequences of their actions? How can they dispense force with compassion if they can escape the knowledge of what they do?"
The greater the force brought to bear, the older and wiser must the entity who wields it. Wisdom allows sorrow. Age allows experience, and knowledge reinforces wisdom and experience."Those who would bear the burden of force must be those who are strong and do not seek it, for those who seek force would misuse it, and those who are weak would shy from what they must do."
Hence the paradox of power and force.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
"The Parafaith War"- An Excerpt
I reread the entire book again. This is one of the things that really affected my view on power. It talks about violence, but power comes with the ability to create this violence. To me, it talks about the responsibility that comes with the wielding of power.
"Can violence and the use of force to effect change upon the universe be left to the young? Do they see what was, what is, and what might yet be? Have they suffered, watched evil fall upon the good, or good upon the evil?"
Or should the burden of violence be left to those who can bear it most lightly - upon those who have closed their minds or their feelings? How then can they understand the suffering that they must inflict?"
Should the burden of force be laid upon the short-lived, who will not see the consequences of their actions? How can they dispense force with compassion if they can escape the knowledge of what they do?"
The greater the force brought to bear, the older and wiser must the entity who wields it. Wisdom allows sorrow. Age allows experience, and knowledge reinforces wisdom and experience."Those who would bear the burden of force must be those who are strong and do not seek it, for those who seek force would misuse it, and those who are weak would shy from what they must do."
Hence the paradox of power and force.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Beautiful Girl
Beautiful girl
You called me this morning
Telling me about your little rendezvous
The thrill of freshness
Beautiful girl
You tell you want satisfaction
Is it the flesh or love
You are chasing after?
Beautiful girl
You shine in the neon lights
The face of an angel
Your body blessed by the devil
Beautiful girl
When you wake up in the morning
When neon lights are no longer
What do you find left over?
Beautiful girl
Look beside you
Look in the mirror
Do you see the face of a stranger?
Beautiful girl
Are you looking for something?
There's nothing there
Just emptiness
Beautiful girl
You have been through this
More than enough to know
You have never been beyond it
Beautiful girl
If it is satisfaction
You are after
Walk away
Beautiful girl,
If it is love
You are after
Look for it in the right places
Beautiful girl
Love yourself
You are worth more
Far more than any vulture
Beautiful girl
Your dreams await you
Stand up
I'll see you there
You called me this morning
Telling me about your little rendezvous
The thrill of freshness
Beautiful girl
You tell you want satisfaction
Is it the flesh or love
You are chasing after?
Beautiful girl
You shine in the neon lights
The face of an angel
Your body blessed by the devil
Beautiful girl
When you wake up in the morning
When neon lights are no longer
What do you find left over?
Beautiful girl
Look beside you
Look in the mirror
Do you see the face of a stranger?
Beautiful girl
Are you looking for something?
There's nothing there
Just emptiness
Beautiful girl
You have been through this
More than enough to know
You have never been beyond it
Beautiful girl
If it is satisfaction
You are after
Walk away
Beautiful girl,
If it is love
You are after
Look for it in the right places
Beautiful girl
Love yourself
You are worth more
Far more than any vulture
Beautiful girl
Your dreams await you
Stand up
I'll see you there
Lights. Music. Playground.
It's been a long time since I went clubbing and yesterday that's what I did after a show and certainly after a long time. It's good before I start to wonder if I have turned into a hermit.
When I was younger, it used to be 10pm-3am straight non stop dancing. You basically dance your way into the club and out of it when it closes. Ahhh the wonders of age shows when you realise you don't dance as vigorously as you used to, you don't dance as much and you leave before the club closes. You realise you prefer to chill out (is it plain laziness I wonder ha) with friends. I think i have pretty much gotten over the drinking phase, the crazy age. Not the I will stop, still gotta meet people but I think I am pretty much...over it.
Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me but please don't kill me.
tu me manque
When I was younger, it used to be 10pm-3am straight non stop dancing. You basically dance your way into the club and out of it when it closes. Ahhh the wonders of age shows when you realise you don't dance as vigorously as you used to, you don't dance as much and you leave before the club closes. You realise you prefer to chill out (is it plain laziness I wonder ha) with friends. I think i have pretty much gotten over the drinking phase, the crazy age. Not the I will stop, still gotta meet people but I think I am pretty much...over it.
Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me but please don't kill me.
tu me manque
Friday, December 09, 2005
Rambles and An All-Time Fav
I find myself dealing with more and more irresponsible people and lack of professionaliam recently. Extremely irritating. My favorite pair and only pair of dress heels broke today as I had no choice but to use it for a show..really sad. Ok enuff said.
I like this song for a long time..we call it a KTV friendly song ha
接受 - 梁静茹
仿佛想你一分钟
你还陪在我左右
还以为我们会
开花结果
我还记得玫瑰色天空
却模糊了我们的脸孔
很多的歌到底
是什么内容
仿佛已经自由
下一个我变成风
吹过你的脸孔
差点失控
回忆在愿里遗留的恨说
我想我可以明白你所有的痛
想让你知道我多
觉得心言不由衷
我们都接受
一定是彼此不够成熟
在爱情里分不了轻重
诚实的过了头
不能退后也无法向前走
爱是一个自私的念头
把寂寞消除的理由
剩下的那些人都
能记得多久
And to my gal friends..
分手快乐 - 梁静茹
我无法帮你预言
委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍
朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错
至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手
想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走
吹吹冷风会清醒的多
你说你不怕分手
只有一点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了
剩自己一个
其实爱对了人
情人节每天都过
分手快乐
祝你快乐
你可以找到更好的
不想过冬厌倦沉重
就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐
请你快乐
挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱
像坐慢车
看透彻了
心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容
你自信时候真的美多了
Fish always has such nice songs :)
I like this song for a long time..we call it a KTV friendly song ha
接受 - 梁静茹
仿佛想你一分钟
你还陪在我左右
还以为我们会
开花结果
我还记得玫瑰色天空
却模糊了我们的脸孔
很多的歌到底
是什么内容
仿佛已经自由
下一个我变成风
吹过你的脸孔
差点失控
回忆在愿里遗留的恨说
我想我可以明白你所有的痛
想让你知道我多
觉得心言不由衷
我们都接受
一定是彼此不够成熟
在爱情里分不了轻重
诚实的过了头
不能退后也无法向前走
爱是一个自私的念头
把寂寞消除的理由
剩下的那些人都
能记得多久
And to my gal friends..
分手快乐 - 梁静茹
我无法帮你预言
委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍
朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错
至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手
想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走
吹吹冷风会清醒的多
你说你不怕分手
只有一点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了
剩自己一个
其实爱对了人
情人节每天都过
分手快乐
祝你快乐
你可以找到更好的
不想过冬厌倦沉重
就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐
请你快乐
挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱
像坐慢车
看透彻了
心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容
你自信时候真的美多了
Fish always has such nice songs :)
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Why??
I am tired of coming home and feeling frustrated every other week.
I am tired of repeating myself and seeing no improvement.
I am tired of coming back everytime to see things accumulate to the point where one will be too lazy to clear.
I was hoping to feel peace and tranquility in coming home yet I feel like I live in a warehouse with a perpetual sense of unsettledness.
If things don't improve after this Sunday clean up, I think I might as well move back.
I am tired of repeating myself and seeing no improvement.
I am tired of coming back everytime to see things accumulate to the point where one will be too lazy to clear.
I was hoping to feel peace and tranquility in coming home yet I feel like I live in a warehouse with a perpetual sense of unsettledness.
If things don't improve after this Sunday clean up, I think I might as well move back.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
天空。云。太阳。星星。
你的天空有多高，有多阔？
你的白天有多亮？
夜晚有多黑呢？
我带给你的阳光温暖吗？
它能否填补你天空里的冬天？
它曾为你带来笑容吗？
你相信阳光吗？
我带给你的星星是否闪烁？
它们有没有在你的夜晚里带来光芒？
星光的永恒，
你相信吗？
我想用最暖和的阳光
我想用最灿烂的星光
填满你无尽的天空
你相信吗？
太阳被乌云遮盖了
星星被月亮打败了
用它们最后的挣扎
你还看得到吗？
阳光依旧
星光没变
多少虚幻的乌云雷雨
你曾怀疑吗？
你的天空里是否空无一片
还是有了别的星系？
还是已经装不下了？
你是否快乐吗？
This poem is a huge metaphor...wonder if anyone understands *laughs*
你的白天有多亮？
夜晚有多黑呢？
我带给你的阳光温暖吗？
它能否填补你天空里的冬天？
它曾为你带来笑容吗？
你相信阳光吗？
我带给你的星星是否闪烁？
它们有没有在你的夜晚里带来光芒？
星光的永恒，
你相信吗？
我想用最暖和的阳光
我想用最灿烂的星光
填满你无尽的天空
你相信吗？
太阳被乌云遮盖了
星星被月亮打败了
用它们最后的挣扎
你还看得到吗？
阳光依旧
星光没变
多少虚幻的乌云雷雨
你曾怀疑吗？
你的天空里是否空无一片
还是有了别的星系？
还是已经装不下了？
你是否快乐吗？
This poem is a huge metaphor...wonder if anyone understands *laughs*
Blue December
It's happened again.
Last night, two girlfriends told me they broke up with their respective boyfriends. Man I seem to be hearing a lot of these recently. So much that it surprises me. I am sorry to hear that darlings...I hear the same things that I have written about in the last few posts..it's always the same things. The singles' club has new additions now. I hope life treats you babes better.
Ever heard a song by Elva Hsiao called "最熟悉的陌生人"? I think I understand that very well.
Just once..just once will be enough.
Last night, two girlfriends told me they broke up with their respective boyfriends. Man I seem to be hearing a lot of these recently. So much that it surprises me. I am sorry to hear that darlings...I hear the same things that I have written about in the last few posts..it's always the same things. The singles' club has new additions now. I hope life treats you babes better.
Ever heard a song by Elva Hsiao called "最熟悉的陌生人"? I think I understand that very well.
Just once..just once will be enough.
Type R.F.D Theory
OK HERE IT IS. THE QUESTION THAT’S BEEN ON MANY OF YOUR LIPS.
What in the world is TYPE R, TYPE F AND TYPE D???
Call it a stroke of genius or what but recently as I have been playing aunt agony, several terms accidentally sprouted out of my mouth that seemed to have created certain simplicity and understanding amongst those who heard them. I have deliberated about whether to actually write about my TYPE R.F.D theory because it may seem a little forward and hard to accept but my gals who have heard seem to like it enough to actually use it as lingo so here it is. Really simple actually.
I have in a way classified men in 3 categories for simplicity sake. They are
1) Type RELATIONSHIP-ABLE
2) Type F**K-ABLE (I don’t want censors to come knocking at my door but I am sure you know what I am talkin’ about )
3) Type DUMP-ABLE
Now now before the man start rising in arms and start charging at me..it’s a basic system for women with no offense meant. I like you guys all right? I have not turned into anti-men or something..just began to understand how men look at certain things with amazing, even ruthless simplicity and clarity. So whether you are male or female, if this is not your kinda thing, just take it as pleasure reading ok?
What is Type R?
This refers to the men you want to have a relationship with. Men who are looking for something real or have the potential. To these men, they are worth putting your heart out for. Thing is type R has to have type F qualities. Whoever thinks that the physical department is not important must be living in la-la land. Ask most for their honest opinion and they will tell you it’s important. To these men, I will give them more attention and offer sincerity because they are worth it. Not always easy to ascertain and not fool-proof. I have failed before. They are hard to spot as well not to mention sometimes it may well take time before they develop into this type or decide they want to be type R with YOU. I would generally think Type R consideration should come first before Type F but some of my gals actually think otherwise *laughs*
What is Type F?
Ah the name speaks for itself. Is the man F**kable? Now a type R man has to be type F too but a Type F man does not have to be Type R. Examples would include players, one-night stands type…you get the idea…basically men looking for fun. Some men are nice enough to tell you honestly they are looking for fun, some masquerade it under love and typically many bastards women know come under this category. For such men, if you guys come to a clear agreement, well have all the fun you want as long as no one gets hurt. Don’t bother about the deep stuff. There are of course those who graduate from type F to R.
What is Type D?
Well, if the person does not fall into the above two categories, it’s simply dumpable situation. I do not mean dump literally. It could mean you guys stay platonic and keep things friendly. There are some really worth dumping but I think most would be good to stay as friends.
So there you go, if a person is not Type R, is he at least Type F (you must be willing to have fun and just fun only too)? If not, well the answer is pretty clear. It must be clarified that the types can graduate both upwards and downwards…it’s purely for simplicity ..things change, so do people.
What in the world is TYPE R, TYPE F AND TYPE D???
Call it a stroke of genius or what but recently as I have been playing aunt agony, several terms accidentally sprouted out of my mouth that seemed to have created certain simplicity and understanding amongst those who heard them. I have deliberated about whether to actually write about my TYPE R.F.D theory because it may seem a little forward and hard to accept but my gals who have heard seem to like it enough to actually use it as lingo so here it is. Really simple actually.
I have in a way classified men in 3 categories for simplicity sake. They are
1) Type RELATIONSHIP-ABLE
2) Type F**K-ABLE (I don’t want censors to come knocking at my door but I am sure you know what I am talkin’ about )
3) Type DUMP-ABLE
Now now before the man start rising in arms and start charging at me..it’s a basic system for women with no offense meant. I like you guys all right? I have not turned into anti-men or something..just began to understand how men look at certain things with amazing, even ruthless simplicity and clarity. So whether you are male or female, if this is not your kinda thing, just take it as pleasure reading ok?
What is Type R?
This refers to the men you want to have a relationship with. Men who are looking for something real or have the potential. To these men, they are worth putting your heart out for. Thing is type R has to have type F qualities. Whoever thinks that the physical department is not important must be living in la-la land. Ask most for their honest opinion and they will tell you it’s important. To these men, I will give them more attention and offer sincerity because they are worth it. Not always easy to ascertain and not fool-proof. I have failed before. They are hard to spot as well not to mention sometimes it may well take time before they develop into this type or decide they want to be type R with YOU. I would generally think Type R consideration should come first before Type F but some of my gals actually think otherwise *laughs*
What is Type F?
Ah the name speaks for itself. Is the man F**kable? Now a type R man has to be type F too but a Type F man does not have to be Type R. Examples would include players, one-night stands type…you get the idea…basically men looking for fun. Some men are nice enough to tell you honestly they are looking for fun, some masquerade it under love and typically many bastards women know come under this category. For such men, if you guys come to a clear agreement, well have all the fun you want as long as no one gets hurt. Don’t bother about the deep stuff. There are of course those who graduate from type F to R.
What is Type D?
Well, if the person does not fall into the above two categories, it’s simply dumpable situation. I do not mean dump literally. It could mean you guys stay platonic and keep things friendly. There are some really worth dumping but I think most would be good to stay as friends.
So there you go, if a person is not Type R, is he at least Type F (you must be willing to have fun and just fun only too)? If not, well the answer is pretty clear. It must be clarified that the types can graduate both upwards and downwards…it’s purely for simplicity ..things change, so do people.
Celebration of Age
Here I am sitting at Marina Mandarin waiting to perform to a bunch of youngsters for their dinner and dance. Junior college kids my gosh…when was I that age?? It’s not that long ago actually but still far enough. Best part is the dance is quite sexy..oh gosh horrors of horrors!!
As I look at them, it reminds me a lot of the time I dressed up for prom. That was in secondary school..we went to make dresses and all!! Now looking at them, I began to realize why my mum said that when I am young, I won’t look nice in adult clothes. Please don’t mistake me..I am not saying they don’t look nice…in fact I saw a really hot babe ala retro 70s hot babe style with flowing curls, cut till low dress ooh la la . I must make disclaimer here..no matter what happened or what you guys said, I am not and not turning lesbian thank you. I still like men as a species versus women for a partner.
I began to have a greater teeny weeny appreciation for age. Perhaps I should say, womanliness that comes with age. Somehow though these girls may be slimmer and more youthful, somehow I still find the same dress will probably look more beautiful on a more erm should I say mature woman? Somehow there’s a missing feeling of life experience, womanliness that somehow makes the beauty incomplete. It’s really about carrying it off I guess.
As I hit my 20s, I began to feel that women are most attractive in their late 20s and early 30s, when they are independent, know what they want and won’t sit down to be trampled..generally. The sense of worldliness, womanliness is simply mysterious and beautiful, be it bigger hips, flabbier tummy and all. Mind you, there are women in that age that look even better physically than any woman in their early 20s.
So ladies, let’s celebrate our womanliness with every passing year…eye creams, moisturizers and all! :)
As I look at them, it reminds me a lot of the time I dressed up for prom. That was in secondary school..we went to make dresses and all!! Now looking at them, I began to realize why my mum said that when I am young, I won’t look nice in adult clothes. Please don’t mistake me..I am not saying they don’t look nice…in fact I saw a really hot babe ala retro 70s hot babe style with flowing curls, cut till low dress ooh la la . I must make disclaimer here..no matter what happened or what you guys said, I am not and not turning lesbian thank you. I still like men as a species versus women for a partner.
I began to have a greater teeny weeny appreciation for age. Perhaps I should say, womanliness that comes with age. Somehow though these girls may be slimmer and more youthful, somehow I still find the same dress will probably look more beautiful on a more erm should I say mature woman? Somehow there’s a missing feeling of life experience, womanliness that somehow makes the beauty incomplete. It’s really about carrying it off I guess.
As I hit my 20s, I began to feel that women are most attractive in their late 20s and early 30s, when they are independent, know what they want and won’t sit down to be trampled..generally. The sense of worldliness, womanliness is simply mysterious and beautiful, be it bigger hips, flabbier tummy and all. Mind you, there are women in that age that look even better physically than any woman in their early 20s.
So ladies, let’s celebrate our womanliness with every passing year…eye creams, moisturizers and all! :)
Monday, December 05, 2005
Milestones
I saw a touching entry in one of my friend's friend's blog...He was counting the milestones in his last relationship with dates, things she did, they did, things he felt but didn't tell her and all..I am afraid I don't have as much detailed records because I have bad memory with dates..I can remember all the events but dates I am bad..but I can remember 2 dates.
24 Apr 2005- The most unforgettable sms I have received in my life to date. I cried as I read it. It's pretty much the sms that made my mind up.
5 May 2005 - I was standing outside the bus stop at Delphi Orchard and it was drizzling. The sms of moment of decision.
My dears, it's much better for me to face it than to try not to..so trust me ok?
24 Apr 2005- The most unforgettable sms I have received in my life to date. I cried as I read it. It's pretty much the sms that made my mind up.
5 May 2005 - I was standing outside the bus stop at Delphi Orchard and it was drizzling. The sms of moment of decision.
My dears, it's much better for me to face it than to try not to..so trust me ok?
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Two Songs
Two songs I found from Kelly Clarkson..The first song is about how a mother's bad relationship went on to affect her daughter's emotional make-up..didn't quite like the tone of the song because it's a little like blaming someone else for your own life but I seem to hear this a lot in people when we start to fear and its got a nice tune so...
Because Of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
The second song just thought the lyrics were nice and the way the situation is portrayed metaphorically in the song..
I Hate Myself For Losing You - Kelly Clarkson
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do not sure that i'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no I hate myself for losing you (I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you
Because Of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
The second song just thought the lyrics were nice and the way the situation is portrayed metaphorically in the song..
I Hate Myself For Losing You - Kelly Clarkson
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do not sure that i'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no I hate myself for losing you (I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you
Of Love Lost and Closure
Today I had to do something that made me quite sad. I had to mediate for two people whom I care about immensely, at the cross junction of their relationship. Previous attempts to find a resolution had been unsuccessful so they needed to have a 3 way talk.
I think I would have wanted such a three way talk for myself too. In fact, it was supposed to happen but never did. Perhaps I would have wanted to save whatever could be saved and if it could not be saved, to find a peaceful closure. I think at some point, they didn't realise how valuable this talk was till I had to remind them what I would pay to have a chance like this. As of many relatioships that come to my attention, I realised there was always too much pride, too much assumption and too little love. There was too much YOU vs ME rather then YOU AND ME ie US. The arguments are always "Why couldn't you do this? Why did you do that?" instead of "We have an issue here. What can we do to help our relationship and make each other happy?"
There were always things that should have been said but not said, things that should have been done, not done and vice versa. The modern individual finds it hard to say sorry much less I love you. There was always too much attention on winning the fight, not the problem. There was always too much attention on fighting each other only to lose the thing that they were fighing to protect. There were always expectations not communicated, not managed and sometimes, not realistic in the first place. I find it very sad to know that two people who like each other cannot find a way to resolve their issues and find a way together. If two people can be together, try to the best they can. If the best is just not enough, saying goodbye will leave no regrets because you know all has been done but you are just not right for each other. For you two, I am glad you found peace.
It's always difficult when it comes to ourselves. These observations are clear as an observer and yet as a participant, we will always be guilty of one of the above. There may too much pride, too much assumption, too little courage, understanding and clarity...leading to countless misunderstandings and hurt. When hurt gets to a point beyond salvation, it becomes sad and painful to watch two people who like each other unable to put things aside and have to say goodbye. There comes a point you just know. It becomes a case of "Maybe we are just the right people who met at the wrong time." Things may not have needed to come to such a stage but that's the human fallacy.
On retrospect, I wonder how things got so thick and messed up. I wonder how we got from where we started to where we ended. How the things we believed in turned to complete opposites. Your surprise is as much as mine. Too much assumption, too little faith and too little courage. In our friend's words, we two are just "chicken shit".
I think I would have wanted such a three way talk for myself too. In fact, it was supposed to happen but never did. Perhaps I would have wanted to save whatever could be saved and if it could not be saved, to find a peaceful closure. I think at some point, they didn't realise how valuable this talk was till I had to remind them what I would pay to have a chance like this. As of many relatioships that come to my attention, I realised there was always too much pride, too much assumption and too little love. There was too much YOU vs ME rather then YOU AND ME ie US. The arguments are always "Why couldn't you do this? Why did you do that?" instead of "We have an issue here. What can we do to help our relationship and make each other happy?"
There were always things that should have been said but not said, things that should have been done, not done and vice versa. The modern individual finds it hard to say sorry much less I love you. There was always too much attention on winning the fight, not the problem. There was always too much attention on fighting each other only to lose the thing that they were fighing to protect. There were always expectations not communicated, not managed and sometimes, not realistic in the first place. I find it very sad to know that two people who like each other cannot find a way to resolve their issues and find a way together. If two people can be together, try to the best they can. If the best is just not enough, saying goodbye will leave no regrets because you know all has been done but you are just not right for each other. For you two, I am glad you found peace.
It's always difficult when it comes to ourselves. These observations are clear as an observer and yet as a participant, we will always be guilty of one of the above. There may too much pride, too much assumption, too little courage, understanding and clarity...leading to countless misunderstandings and hurt. When hurt gets to a point beyond salvation, it becomes sad and painful to watch two people who like each other unable to put things aside and have to say goodbye. There comes a point you just know. It becomes a case of "Maybe we are just the right people who met at the wrong time." Things may not have needed to come to such a stage but that's the human fallacy.
On retrospect, I wonder how things got so thick and messed up. I wonder how we got from where we started to where we ended. How the things we believed in turned to complete opposites. Your surprise is as much as mine. Too much assumption, too little faith and too little courage. In our friend's words, we two are just "chicken shit".
Friday, December 02, 2005
Of Rambles, Rumbles and Living For The Moment
Ok this is just to ramble..
I survived a overnight 200 point paper loss! Ended up profitable, wanted to hold more, didn't hold..or else profit a lot more :(
In case anyone is wondering, I am talking about futures trading. I took courses from this company and has stepped into the world of trading since. Learnt a lot about market observation, charts and so on in the process..made great friends..should have a look if you are looking for new sources of income..Man they should pay me ad fees!
My gal friend's grandpa passed away..they say that people sometimes wait for everyone they need to see to come back before passing on. Have heard of it from personal close friends that it happens...am not spending enough time with my family :( I think we have that rebellious stage where it's cool to defy your parents..but as I grew up, I started to cherish family more especially after I moved out. You never know what may happen tomorrow.
Speaking of you never know what may happen tomorrow..I have a nice story to share here. I heard it from a very inspriring woman, Miss Antonia Hui during a Power Women seminar the other day. Ya I am a Power Woman!! *laughs* There was a young man in Switzerland who had 26, had planned his whole life ahead of him. One day, he suddenly got involved in an accident and lost all his senses. All he had left was his hearing and his mind. He could not see, move, feel or touch. Everyone thought that was the end for him.
He however, refused to give up. He thought "I still have my brain left and I know I can still use it". Everyday, he played chess in his mind. One month later, he asked to play with his doctor who could also play chess. Guess what? He won.
He went on to become one of the top chess players in Switzerland. And if you think that was it, he went back to school to get a degree and it was very difficult as he could not see or write and in those days IT was not as advanced as today where you could use voice recognition software. But this did not stop him from becoming a nuclear scientist today. Now tell me, how many physically abled people you know make it as a nuclear scientist??
While I don't have exact words, in essence he said to her ..Don't just live for the past or the future. Live for the present. I had planned my life and we all plan our life. We look so far ahead or so far behind but you never know what may happen tomorrow. All my plans were changed by one unexpected event. Live for the moment.
He also added while this may seemed like an unfortnate incident, he thought this may well be a way to make him turn into his real destiny, what he was truly meant for, which he probably would not have done if that didn't happen.
Sometimes our presents come in thorns..it's not always easy to accept them but you may just never know. :)
Personal thought..The other day I suddenly remembered what a friend said that I hurt your feelings..I don't know if I have ever hurt you..if I did, I also don't know how I did because I cherish you. I don't know how I did it without being unfaithful, distrustful or demanding change of you..maybe I just didn't how to tell you.You said you never questioned, but if you ever wondered..there was never anyone else. If I hurt you by some way or other...I am sorry. There will be some who will say I am crazy to say this if they knew..but still, I am sorry.
I would sometimes wonder how you are but perhaps you do not wish me near you. I believe you must be well...I hope you are well..
I survived a overnight 200 point paper loss! Ended up profitable, wanted to hold more, didn't hold..or else profit a lot more :(
In case anyone is wondering, I am talking about futures trading. I took courses from this company and has stepped into the world of trading since. Learnt a lot about market observation, charts and so on in the process..made great friends..should have a look if you are looking for new sources of income..Man they should pay me ad fees!
My gal friend's grandpa passed away..they say that people sometimes wait for everyone they need to see to come back before passing on. Have heard of it from personal close friends that it happens...am not spending enough time with my family :( I think we have that rebellious stage where it's cool to defy your parents..but as I grew up, I started to cherish family more especially after I moved out. You never know what may happen tomorrow.
Speaking of you never know what may happen tomorrow..I have a nice story to share here. I heard it from a very inspriring woman, Miss Antonia Hui during a Power Women seminar the other day. Ya I am a Power Woman!! *laughs* There was a young man in Switzerland who had 26, had planned his whole life ahead of him. One day, he suddenly got involved in an accident and lost all his senses. All he had left was his hearing and his mind. He could not see, move, feel or touch. Everyone thought that was the end for him.
He however, refused to give up. He thought "I still have my brain left and I know I can still use it". Everyday, he played chess in his mind. One month later, he asked to play with his doctor who could also play chess. Guess what? He won.
He went on to become one of the top chess players in Switzerland. And if you think that was it, he went back to school to get a degree and it was very difficult as he could not see or write and in those days IT was not as advanced as today where you could use voice recognition software. But this did not stop him from becoming a nuclear scientist today. Now tell me, how many physically abled people you know make it as a nuclear scientist??
While I don't have exact words, in essence he said to her ..Don't just live for the past or the future. Live for the present. I had planned my life and we all plan our life. We look so far ahead or so far behind but you never know what may happen tomorrow. All my plans were changed by one unexpected event. Live for the moment.
He also added while this may seemed like an unfortnate incident, he thought this may well be a way to make him turn into his real destiny, what he was truly meant for, which he probably would not have done if that didn't happen.
Sometimes our presents come in thorns..it's not always easy to accept them but you may just never know. :)
Personal thought..The other day I suddenly remembered what a friend said that I hurt your feelings..I don't know if I have ever hurt you..if I did, I also don't know how I did because I cherish you. I don't know how I did it without being unfaithful, distrustful or demanding change of you..maybe I just didn't how to tell you.You said you never questioned, but if you ever wondered..there was never anyone else. If I hurt you by some way or other...I am sorry. There will be some who will say I am crazy to say this if they knew..but still, I am sorry.
I would sometimes wonder how you are but perhaps you do not wish me near you. I believe you must be well...I hope you are well..
Thursday, December 01, 2005
People in Love
I was talking to one of my gal friends today and she was telling me about her new love. Ahhhh new love...new love is always beautiful..they will always have lots of similarities, telepathy, you could lick honey off the moon if you wanted...babe I am really happy for you..truly am. Don't we all know this feeling? I know I do.
All I wanna say is take things slowly...one may think they have found a great relationship where everything's perfect..thinking, style, preferences, chemistry in all sense..and its probably true they have found a great relationship. It's so great that it's nearly unbelievable..I nearly fell off my chair a few times in the course of one I found.
"I am glad we found each other at this point of our lives."
Sweet isn't it?
That is true...it certainly feels the case and it certainly may well be the case... if the relationship is properly managed. I have come to appreciate this..words are just words, actions mean everything. While it may take some chemistry to reach this state of belief, I think maintaining this state of belief takes a little more work. A great relationship should flow naturally but it also takes a sense of realism and compromise. If properly managed, this statement could well be the start of something really wonderful. If the lovebirds are not careful, it could well be the most lethal poison. Knowing humans, we forget the things that we love about the person when we are upset. Will you still be able to remember and believe what made you feel glad about finding that person if you were upset? Many don't, because we are all human.
Am I cynical? Maybe. I certainly know how good it feels to find one like that. I just come to see that great relationships take more than just chemistry. It takes communication, compromise and understanding. This is because we are all individuals with differences. We will never be exactly the same and two people have to live, accept and love these differences. Great relationships don't happen because people wish for it to happen, they MAKE it happen.
To me, love is not just about the sparks. It is what happens AFTER the sparks. Oh please gimme lots of sparks especially in certain areas *chuckle* but I don't have that bubblegum pop idea of love anymore. If I was 16, I would but I am no longer anymore.
I keep coming across this problem in the relationships I have been in as well as observed. I can't say this enough, communication is not just about speaking your mind. To me, love really needs a lot of that. Perhaps more so for me because I don't expect my guy to be with me alot. Men, when will you understand that if you cannot be with your lady, just let her know? All she needs to know is that she matters to you and it's just that your purpose in life calls you away from her? I think most women will be willing to understand. We are FLEXIBLE people who can understand your priorities, If you can't give her time, then at the very least tell her what is going on. At least she would know how to manage the situation. How long can anyone live in a question mark?
Anyway back to you babe, I am happy for you. May that statement be always with you two. To find a relationship like that is very wonderful..to lose it is hell not to mention shocking..but let's not go there. May happiness and blessings be with you two always :)
All I wanna say is take things slowly...one may think they have found a great relationship where everything's perfect..thinking, style, preferences, chemistry in all sense..and its probably true they have found a great relationship. It's so great that it's nearly unbelievable..I nearly fell off my chair a few times in the course of one I found.
"I am glad we found each other at this point of our lives."
Sweet isn't it?
That is true...it certainly feels the case and it certainly may well be the case... if the relationship is properly managed. I have come to appreciate this..words are just words, actions mean everything. While it may take some chemistry to reach this state of belief, I think maintaining this state of belief takes a little more work. A great relationship should flow naturally but it also takes a sense of realism and compromise. If properly managed, this statement could well be the start of something really wonderful. If the lovebirds are not careful, it could well be the most lethal poison. Knowing humans, we forget the things that we love about the person when we are upset. Will you still be able to remember and believe what made you feel glad about finding that person if you were upset? Many don't, because we are all human.
Am I cynical? Maybe. I certainly know how good it feels to find one like that. I just come to see that great relationships take more than just chemistry. It takes communication, compromise and understanding. This is because we are all individuals with differences. We will never be exactly the same and two people have to live, accept and love these differences. Great relationships don't happen because people wish for it to happen, they MAKE it happen.
To me, love is not just about the sparks. It is what happens AFTER the sparks. Oh please gimme lots of sparks especially in certain areas *chuckle* but I don't have that bubblegum pop idea of love anymore. If I was 16, I would but I am no longer anymore.
I keep coming across this problem in the relationships I have been in as well as observed. I can't say this enough, communication is not just about speaking your mind. To me, love really needs a lot of that. Perhaps more so for me because I don't expect my guy to be with me alot. Men, when will you understand that if you cannot be with your lady, just let her know? All she needs to know is that she matters to you and it's just that your purpose in life calls you away from her? I think most women will be willing to understand. We are FLEXIBLE people who can understand your priorities, If you can't give her time, then at the very least tell her what is going on. At least she would know how to manage the situation. How long can anyone live in a question mark?
Anyway back to you babe, I am happy for you. May that statement be always with you two. To find a relationship like that is very wonderful..to lose it is hell not to mention shocking..but let's not go there. May happiness and blessings be with you two always :)
Male Bastardology
My friend had an interesting conversation with her male friend regarding the universal favourite phrase of women - "All Men are Bastards". It's really funny...read it here.
All men are bastards. Do I agree?
I think I have seen a couple of bastards..been with them, seen them with my friends and I come to this conclusion. There are no good or bad guys...just good or bad timing. A guy likes you or wants to settle down, he will be good..or at least better. If not, he will be a bastard. A friend said "Don't bother to show mercy to a guy cos he won't show mercy when he leaves". If he's a bastard, the sad truth is...he probably didn't love you or he simply didn't like you enough. Sorry ladies, I know it's painful to know, but it is.
The strange thing is sometimes if the man is a bastard, the effect left on the woman is far deeper than normal. Some say women like to be trampled on, like bad boys etc. I think it's a combination of reasons. Humans want things they cannot have, love whom they cannot love. The pain left behind by a bastard lasts for a long time. If you can't forget, it simply means you will remember.
The sad thing is..women usually love these bastards and while the world may be happy proclaiming he's a bastard, to presumably close the episode and lessen her pain, a part of her may agree but a part of her also knows it doesn't mean she loves him any less. I long given up on using "he's a bastard" as a form of comfort. How comforting can it be to hear that the man you love is a bastard and you are stupid enough to fall for it and still love him? Many women may protest to this, but ladies, spend time in your solitude and ask yourself if this is not the truth?
We may say the woman is dumb...but how do you bring yourself to blame a woman when she puts her heart and soul into it and you watch her fall apart for loving someone? I always believed, you cannot fault a true heart or a sincere heart. I paid a price for this belief but I still believe it.
Women are capable of doing the same thing men do. The difference is women tend to try a little harder...save the relationship, not break the guy's heart etc. There are of course true blue bitches but you know..i notice it's usually because they have been greatly disappointed and thus shaped, by bastards previously. The product of disillusionment I call it. Ask a little more and you'll usually find it.
So back to the question...all men are bastards?
Yes...if you are not The One.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Something to Think About
This is one of those things that came to me by accident. I would read it every now and then to remind myself of some important things in life. Today I suddenly remembered to send to a friend and I think maybe it was timely for me to read it too. I decided to share this, my favourite speech by Steve Jobs at Stanford commencement. It's not exactly short, but it's most certainly worth the read. I highlighted certain sections. Enjoy :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stanford Report, June 14, 2005
'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me. I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story , and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now. This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog , which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog , and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
No Reserve, No Retreats, No Regrets
I read this off a friend's blog and liked it so I decided to share it with you here. You can read the rest of his blog here. I think the title sums up what life should be about.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
No reserve, No Retreats, No Regrets
This man was mentioned in the sermon on Sunday by the pastor. I can only remember his first name, and with some difficulty the three things he wrote at the back of his bible.This guy didn't have an illustrious career as a missionary, though he wanted to be one. But what he wrote at the back of his Bible is a shining example to all of us.
The man was Wiiliam Borden. He died at 25 studying Arabic to prepare himself to spread the word to the Muslims in China.After travelling the world and given the burden of evangelism, he wrote this at the back of his Bible. "NO RESERVES"
When he was offered great jobs after leaving college, he stuck to his mission of going forward to spread the Word. He wrote two more words. "NO RETREATS"
When his body was brought home from Egypt, where he fell sick, and passed away learning Arabic to prepare for his mission, they found these words written at the back of his Bible. "No Regrets"
In his 25 years of living, even though he did not fulfil his mission of going to the field, this MAN has shown us all a simple, yet profound truth.
Take the time to read his short story here.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
No reserve, No Retreats, No Regrets
This man was mentioned in the sermon on Sunday by the pastor. I can only remember his first name, and with some difficulty the three things he wrote at the back of his bible.This guy didn't have an illustrious career as a missionary, though he wanted to be one. But what he wrote at the back of his Bible is a shining example to all of us.
The man was Wiiliam Borden. He died at 25 studying Arabic to prepare himself to spread the word to the Muslims in China.After travelling the world and given the burden of evangelism, he wrote this at the back of his Bible. "NO RESERVES"
When he was offered great jobs after leaving college, he stuck to his mission of going forward to spread the Word. He wrote two more words. "NO RETREATS"
When his body was brought home from Egypt, where he fell sick, and passed away learning Arabic to prepare for his mission, they found these words written at the back of his Bible. "No Regrets"
In his 25 years of living, even though he did not fulfil his mission of going to the field, this MAN has shown us all a simple, yet profound truth.
Take the time to read his short story here.
The Blur and The Fool
I must be really foolish and really blur. I don't even know what I could have done. Nothing ever seems the right way. People must even wonder why bother. Why oh why? Can't even bring myself to ask when I finally felt like asking.
I miss the wind..really wanted to go for a bike ride last night if I could..just to feel the wind and clear my mind..but no license and no bike..too bad.
I think if I could... I wouldn't be here anymore.
I miss the wind..really wanted to go for a bike ride last night if I could..just to feel the wind and clear my mind..but no license and no bike..too bad.
I think if I could... I wouldn't be here anymore.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Tears stream down your faceI promise you
I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Saw this in a galfriend's blog and thought it was a nice song.
Sands of Time. Change. God
I seem to write about pretty serious stuff here. Maybe because I see this as a place to write about life, lessons I learnt myself and from others and thoughts so it may seem “deep”. Sometimes you may find me repeating certain things. It could be the lesson was furthered delivered or perhaps the whole thinking or emotional state behind it has changed to one of retrospect but it may be written so subtly the reader doesn’t sense it.
The year is coming to an end again soon. Sometimes I look back and think I seemed to have not moved much from last year because I seemed to have come back to the same crossroad again and yet I know during this year I have changed a lot again. Sometimes I not too sure if I really like it. There are things I don't know if I am proud of, sometimes even wished never happen but I think was necessary to prepare me for the wisdom to make the right decisions. For that, I am thankful.
There are sadly, regrets...I hate regrets...which I hope to come to terms with some day. Recently, a few people from my past came back into my life again quite unexpectedly. All within a short span of time. I wonder if this means something. It's seems to be a little coincidental. Maybe it's a sign for me to look out for something because the timing seems to be a little uncanny. Maybe I am at a major road junction and this is my traffic light *laughs* It’s like you suddenly see major points in your life come revisit you again. I think if one more person comes back to talk to me, the picture will be very complete indeed *laughs*
There comes a point when every human being knows and sense change. Some changes are temporal, some are more far reaching than others. Amid confusion, I think deep down, we know when the former or the latter has occurred. You just know when it’s a temporary transformation or you will know some things will never be the same again. I can’t quite identify or describe it but somehow I just could feel it. It’s hard to explain so I think it may be hard for an external party to understand. Perhaps if the reader comes to such a stage, the reader will understand what I mean.
I have a blessed life, far blessed than many. Yet somehow, I sense I have aged a lot, or perhaps more positively, grown a lot over the last 3 years with the pace picking up each year. This process never stops. The last year particularly the last few months have made me understood a lot of things about life and people in answers that were presented to me in ways I never expected. Dear reader, sometimes answers don’t come to us in ways we wanted or expected. Instead, it may come from another person, another person’s question or problem. Knowing the answer through this way may not always be accurate or easy on the heart…but it’s an answer.
And now for a conversation with someone important…
Dear God,
I am sorry there are days when I don't feel like waking up in the morning. I am sorry there are days when I don't look forward to tomorrow. I am sorry there are times I can't hear you. I am sorry there are days when I wished you can take back some of the things you gave me. I am sorry sometimes I ask for the impossible. I am sorry if sometimes I have doubt or I don't know if you are there. I am sorry if sometimes I am just so slow. I am sorry there are times I am not as kind as I like to be. I am sorry if sometimes you have to get to extreme measures to get to me. I am sorry sometimes I don't really know what you'd like me to be, go or do. I am sorry there are times I don't love myself as much as I should.
Dear God,
I know you will not bring me to lessons that I am not capable of overcoming. Perhaps I have become a slow learner. I am thankful that in all time I never blamed you. I am thankful you gave me the ability to see your lessons in all good and bad. I thank you for sending me angels in spirit, in angels that walk this earth, in people who have been become a part of my life or passed in and out of my life. I thank you that I have all the abilities a normal human being has and that I don't have additional disabilities to overcome. I am thankful for light in darkness. I am thankful that end of the day, I am alive.
Dear God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Please grant me courage to overcome my weaknesses, to take steps forward and not be held down by things I cannot change. Please grant me strength to stand for myself and those I love. Please grant me strength and determination to live everyday that comes. Please grant me the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. I have asked for a heart of compassion before. Please grant me this heart more, the compassion to love myself, my loved ones, those who have hurt me, those who need compassion. Please grant me direction and wisdom to myself and people around me. Please grant me the ability to be a bigger person than I have ever been. Please grant me the ability to see light in darkness, hope in adversity. Please grant me the ability to love. Please grant me the ability to forgive when all fails.
I am not always sure I ever knew or will ever know who you really are but I know you are always in my heart and soul even if no one can really tell me the answer. I know it isn’t always obvious or clear…but I do love you.
The year is coming to an end again soon. Sometimes I look back and think I seemed to have not moved much from last year because I seemed to have come back to the same crossroad again and yet I know during this year I have changed a lot again. Sometimes I not too sure if I really like it. There are things I don't know if I am proud of, sometimes even wished never happen but I think was necessary to prepare me for the wisdom to make the right decisions. For that, I am thankful.
There are sadly, regrets...I hate regrets...which I hope to come to terms with some day. Recently, a few people from my past came back into my life again quite unexpectedly. All within a short span of time. I wonder if this means something. It's seems to be a little coincidental. Maybe it's a sign for me to look out for something because the timing seems to be a little uncanny. Maybe I am at a major road junction and this is my traffic light *laughs* It’s like you suddenly see major points in your life come revisit you again. I think if one more person comes back to talk to me, the picture will be very complete indeed *laughs*
There comes a point when every human being knows and sense change. Some changes are temporal, some are more far reaching than others. Amid confusion, I think deep down, we know when the former or the latter has occurred. You just know when it’s a temporary transformation or you will know some things will never be the same again. I can’t quite identify or describe it but somehow I just could feel it. It’s hard to explain so I think it may be hard for an external party to understand. Perhaps if the reader comes to such a stage, the reader will understand what I mean.
I have a blessed life, far blessed than many. Yet somehow, I sense I have aged a lot, or perhaps more positively, grown a lot over the last 3 years with the pace picking up each year. This process never stops. The last year particularly the last few months have made me understood a lot of things about life and people in answers that were presented to me in ways I never expected. Dear reader, sometimes answers don’t come to us in ways we wanted or expected. Instead, it may come from another person, another person’s question or problem. Knowing the answer through this way may not always be accurate or easy on the heart…but it’s an answer.
And now for a conversation with someone important…
Dear God,
I am sorry there are days when I don't feel like waking up in the morning. I am sorry there are days when I don't look forward to tomorrow. I am sorry there are times I can't hear you. I am sorry there are days when I wished you can take back some of the things you gave me. I am sorry sometimes I ask for the impossible. I am sorry if sometimes I have doubt or I don't know if you are there. I am sorry if sometimes I am just so slow. I am sorry there are times I am not as kind as I like to be. I am sorry if sometimes you have to get to extreme measures to get to me. I am sorry sometimes I don't really know what you'd like me to be, go or do. I am sorry there are times I don't love myself as much as I should.
Dear God,
I know you will not bring me to lessons that I am not capable of overcoming. Perhaps I have become a slow learner. I am thankful that in all time I never blamed you. I am thankful you gave me the ability to see your lessons in all good and bad. I thank you for sending me angels in spirit, in angels that walk this earth, in people who have been become a part of my life or passed in and out of my life. I thank you that I have all the abilities a normal human being has and that I don't have additional disabilities to overcome. I am thankful for light in darkness. I am thankful that end of the day, I am alive.
Dear God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Please grant me courage to overcome my weaknesses, to take steps forward and not be held down by things I cannot change. Please grant me strength to stand for myself and those I love. Please grant me strength and determination to live everyday that comes. Please grant me the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. I have asked for a heart of compassion before. Please grant me this heart more, the compassion to love myself, my loved ones, those who have hurt me, those who need compassion. Please grant me direction and wisdom to myself and people around me. Please grant me the ability to be a bigger person than I have ever been. Please grant me the ability to see light in darkness, hope in adversity. Please grant me the ability to love. Please grant me the ability to forgive when all fails.
I am not always sure I ever knew or will ever know who you really are but I know you are always in my heart and soul even if no one can really tell me the answer. I know it isn’t always obvious or clear…but I do love you.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
The Complexity of Simplicity
As human beings we all proclaim we want things to be simple. We always ask, why can't life be simpler? Why can't people be simpler? Why can't situations be simpler?
In talking to people recently, I noticed something. While we desire simplicity, sometimes we simply love to complicate our own lives. Something may be placed in our hands, to our faces in all its simplicity but we would want to twist and turn, think too many things about it. I think this is especially so for women. We think too much about the story, the intention and the possibilities behind a small act, thing or situation. This is something which I think men find hard to comprehend.
I didn't realise it until I noticed it in my gal friends recently. Then I thought "oh gosh I was like that??" Poor men who cannot understand and poor women who have to pay the price for it. For the first time in my life, I can actually bring myself to say..Ladies, men can be incredibly simple creatures. Don't bother to read too much into things and kill your own brain cells in the process. I found it quite amusing to hear some of my gal friends come up with all sorts of "conspiracy theories" behind every damn thing, big or small. Why bother? Sometimes the truth may already be in your face. We just don't admit that's all. Denial is a blessing and a curse.
Of course I don't think it's limited to women only. Men also think too much of women's actions at times when it's not necessary. Well, we are all but human I guess. I think the modern individual has sometimes been so tuned by circumstances that we can no longer accept simplicity or find it hard to believe. Human imperfections I guess :)
In talking to people recently, I noticed something. While we desire simplicity, sometimes we simply love to complicate our own lives. Something may be placed in our hands, to our faces in all its simplicity but we would want to twist and turn, think too many things about it. I think this is especially so for women. We think too much about the story, the intention and the possibilities behind a small act, thing or situation. This is something which I think men find hard to comprehend.
I didn't realise it until I noticed it in my gal friends recently. Then I thought "oh gosh I was like that??" Poor men who cannot understand and poor women who have to pay the price for it. For the first time in my life, I can actually bring myself to say..Ladies, men can be incredibly simple creatures. Don't bother to read too much into things and kill your own brain cells in the process. I found it quite amusing to hear some of my gal friends come up with all sorts of "conspiracy theories" behind every damn thing, big or small. Why bother? Sometimes the truth may already be in your face. We just don't admit that's all. Denial is a blessing and a curse.
Of course I don't think it's limited to women only. Men also think too much of women's actions at times when it's not necessary. Well, we are all but human I guess. I think the modern individual has sometimes been so tuned by circumstances that we can no longer accept simplicity or find it hard to believe. Human imperfections I guess :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Jagged Little Pill
First I gotta say this, I miss being on a bike. I have paused my bike lessons but hell I wanna get that elusive license! I miss being on the big machine..wind..helmet..gloves and all..I get envious when I see people on bike and I cannot be on one. Hope to parade around with my helmet and most importantly, A LICENSE soon..grrrrrrrSome people thought it was strange for me to play aunt agony recently because I probably needed one myself. But strangely, I think listening to someone else's life puts my mind and heart in better perspective and in a way heals myself too. I don't always like the stuff I have to tell people because I probably know how painful it is for the person who will have to be on the receiving end of the resulting action. In a way, I also saw perspectives that I could never quite understand clearly until I was presented with it in my face. The mirror has two faces and very often, the other face may not be what we think it to be or as pretty as we would like it to be.
I wonder if you have ever experienced this. For instance, you may have a disagreement with someone or perhaps an unhappy episode. You understand everything from your view, you can guess things from the other view. Suddenly one day, your friend comes to you with the situation that that been on the opposite side if your view. You see things from the other side of the table. You realise that maybe it wasn't as easy as you thought. The whole wave of realisation, regret, sadness, a desire to do something but am helpless kinda feeling - I call it a jagged little pill of reality bite, realisation.
I can't quite describe it but I feel a little wide difference these days. Age? Life? I am not too sure myself. When I go out these days, I don't really feel like I am there. It's like you watch a colourful parade of people, colours and activities happening in front of you and hear a mesh of sounds..but that's it. It likes those movies where everything is just a blur around you. It's like one is alive..but not really...living. Hmm doesn't exactly sound like a most sociable animal huh? Well will have to watch and see :)
Little Girl's Song - Nov 17
Little Girl's Song
Little girl
They welcome you with open arms
With flowers in your hair
Kisses on your angel face
Little girl
They tell you life is beautiful
Take your little steps
Fear nothing for all is sweet
Little girl
Is that a little scar on your knee?
Cry not because you stand
Just as you will fall
Little girl
Is that a tear on your face?
Wipe it away
It is not the end
Little girl
Your face looks a little older
Your smiles a little faded
Your skips now a walk
Little girl
Where did the flowers go?
I see a new dress you are wearing
A new mask, a paint perhaps?
Little girl
Smile a little
Do the new scars hurt?
It will all be okay
Little girl
Look in the mirror and who do you see?
Your eyes gone cold
Your hair faded and jaded smile
Little girl
Don’t sit in that cage
Don’t see the world they don’t see
Can you see the world they see?
Little girl
Where have you run to?
Have you found a better world?
Are you coming back?
Little girl
Are you in a better place?
Are the flowers more beautiful?
Will you take me with you?
Little girl
I cannot fly to where you are
Please come back
I am waiting for you
They welcome you with open arms
With flowers in your hair
Kisses on your angel face
Little girl
They tell you life is beautiful
Take your little steps
Fear nothing for all is sweet
Little girl
Is that a little scar on your knee?
Cry not because you stand
Just as you will fall
Little girl
Is that a tear on your face?
Wipe it away
It is not the end
Little girl
Your face looks a little older
Your smiles a little faded
Your skips now a walk
Little girl
Where did the flowers go?
I see a new dress you are wearing
A new mask, a paint perhaps?
Little girl
Smile a little
Do the new scars hurt?
It will all be okay
Little girl
Look in the mirror and who do you see?
Your eyes gone cold
Your hair faded and jaded smile
Little girl
Don’t sit in that cage
Don’t see the world they don’t see
Can you see the world they see?
Little girl
Where have you run to?
Have you found a better world?
Are you coming back?
Little girl
Are you in a better place?
Are the flowers more beautiful?
Will you take me with you?
Little girl
I cannot fly to where you are
Please come back
I am waiting for you
Great Expectations
Nov 16
Recently I have playing Aunt Agony to a couple of my friends. Maybe it’s about seeing clearer when you are an outsider or maybe I grew wiser. Suddenly things just become a lot clearer about how things are between people and the issues that are really important.
As human beings we all have expectations. There’s a fine line however between realistic expectations and pushing things. We all like to have things our way but maybe sometimes that’s just being unrealistic. I realize how a lot of things can be simplified by managing and communicating CLEARLY what these expectations are, be it work or personal.
I do realize too that sometimes we say we want certain things out of someone or some situation in order to feel happy. It was strange that when I asked what the things that would make the person in question happy were, there was no clear answer for me. Perhaps sometimes we are asking for happiness without even knowing what we want? Without knowing what we want, will we ever find contentment or satisfaction in fulfillment of an expectation because that expectation was never clearly established in the first place?
No one is perfect. To me the perfect one is finding the one who’s perfect with imperfections. To want a person who is driven probably means less time, stubbornness and pride. It comes in a package and there’s no way to take the things one likes only. In the first place even we ourselves are not perfect. Not realizing this is basically what I call setting up expectations for disappointment. Of course, it’s never a one way game. It works both ways and that’s where communication comes in.
What’s communication? To me communication is when two people communicate their expectations to each other and come to a clear understanding on whether they meet or do not meet. They know how to deal with it after. Just talking about it is not communicating. Just throwing it out of your system is not communicating because the message never got across in the first place. I think this is not my best department right now so don’t think I can comment much on this except less pride, more patience goes a long long way.
Someone asked me today will I do a relationship without the emotional bit now. I don’t know if the reader understands what this means but my answer was “Yeah why not...but there must be a clear understanding”. By that I mean clearly communicated expectations. Knowing clearly where the relationship stands and do not stand. Actually on a side note, I think such an arrangement may be pretty good for me. I am not in the mood for heavy things neither do I have the time. However, in the absence of clear expectations, it would be thanks but no thanks. I have seen how disastrous the lack of communication of expectations can be and I don’t want to go that way. If things go a good way, well good then. No mind, heart or time to think too much. Light and simple sounds pretty good now *laughs* I sound like I am talking about salad *laughs*
Recently I have playing Aunt Agony to a couple of my friends. Maybe it’s about seeing clearer when you are an outsider or maybe I grew wiser. Suddenly things just become a lot clearer about how things are between people and the issues that are really important.
As human beings we all have expectations. There’s a fine line however between realistic expectations and pushing things. We all like to have things our way but maybe sometimes that’s just being unrealistic. I realize how a lot of things can be simplified by managing and communicating CLEARLY what these expectations are, be it work or personal.
I do realize too that sometimes we say we want certain things out of someone or some situation in order to feel happy. It was strange that when I asked what the things that would make the person in question happy were, there was no clear answer for me. Perhaps sometimes we are asking for happiness without even knowing what we want? Without knowing what we want, will we ever find contentment or satisfaction in fulfillment of an expectation because that expectation was never clearly established in the first place?
No one is perfect. To me the perfect one is finding the one who’s perfect with imperfections. To want a person who is driven probably means less time, stubbornness and pride. It comes in a package and there’s no way to take the things one likes only. In the first place even we ourselves are not perfect. Not realizing this is basically what I call setting up expectations for disappointment. Of course, it’s never a one way game. It works both ways and that’s where communication comes in.
What’s communication? To me communication is when two people communicate their expectations to each other and come to a clear understanding on whether they meet or do not meet. They know how to deal with it after. Just talking about it is not communicating. Just throwing it out of your system is not communicating because the message never got across in the first place. I think this is not my best department right now so don’t think I can comment much on this except less pride, more patience goes a long long way.
Someone asked me today will I do a relationship without the emotional bit now. I don’t know if the reader understands what this means but my answer was “Yeah why not...but there must be a clear understanding”. By that I mean clearly communicated expectations. Knowing clearly where the relationship stands and do not stand. Actually on a side note, I think such an arrangement may be pretty good for me. I am not in the mood for heavy things neither do I have the time. However, in the absence of clear expectations, it would be thanks but no thanks. I have seen how disastrous the lack of communication of expectations can be and I don’t want to go that way. If things go a good way, well good then. No mind, heart or time to think too much. Light and simple sounds pretty good now *laughs* I sound like I am talking about salad *laughs*
Thank you
As you may notice, I have a couple of posts that I didn't get to post till recently..For a while, I deliberated even whether I should publish them at all...but I decided I didn't want to cheat myself of my own life..
30 Oct 2005
Today, I want to write about a group of special people in my life. Yesterday I met up with my best friends who I could feel above everything else, they wanted me to be happy. It was nice catching up after so long. It was nice chatting and gossiping. And of course, they gave me an amazing gift *chuckle*
This morning, I was talking to one of my girlfriends who was telling me her man troubles. It became a morning of revelation for both of us. She was getting confused and frustrated with what was going on in her personal life with someone who seemed had a lot of emotional baggage and past hurt. Unknowingly and truthfully unknowingly, I told her the following:
“I don’t know if he’s the same but if I am right, and perhaps if he’s like me now, I would feel that words mean nothing, action speaks louder than words. Action speaks everything…The feeling is more important..I will take my time..If you push me, I would rather f**k it.. Saying is difficult..Taking a step is very difficult” blah blah.
And then, I caught myself.
So familiar.
I remember hearing these words few months ago. I even remember the place, the scene in my head. It was that point that I kinda understood what these words meant. In a warped way, I had become the person I could not understand. It’s really interesting when you find yourself talking to the person who reminded you so much of yourself previously and giving the same answers that caused you so much erm..should I say bewilderment.
For her, she began to understand the way he thinks and why he behaves the way he does. My guy friend would at this point say, “drop him and move on”. Well babe, it’s your choice. If he’s worth the wait and the fight, then by all means do, but it will be a long one and do you want to? Really want to? If you really want to, I have given you the things to do… you have a chance, make good use of it and don’t make my mistake. I wished I didn’t have to tell you all these because I learnt it but I hope it helps you.
For me, it suddenly helped me understand a lot of things better. I don’t want to find excuses but it just kinda felt like enlightenmemt. Understanding in a way helped me not to blame myself, though there are things I really wished I could have done better. Will you ever feel the same? I doubt it.
Or perhaps my friends were just right. Sometimes I ask myself too. I also don’t know whether I would like to agree with them. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t because no matter how bad my judgment is, what I felt cannot be wrong. It might have gone wrong but what I felt cannot be wrong. I can be self-delusional or perhaps wrong to a great extent but some part was right.
Back to the special people. I felt a great deal of love last night. I felt extremely blessed. Everyone has his or her own upheavals and I must say that I am very lucky this time. I am lucky that higher power gave me this opportunity to know that I am very much loved. If God hadn’t gave me love or the freedom I desire yet, He gave me everything else. I am very lucky that I have friends who are still around me, make me feel this great deal of love. I hope I will have the opportunity to show you how much I love you guys too. To all my friends, you know who you are, thank you for everything. Thank you for the love , the patience and just being there.
Dear God, maybe you are waiting for me to give you my toys so that you can give me a real pearl necklace. Maybe you are giving me one piece at a time so that I can make my own just as I am giving you one at a time. But dear God, thank you for everything.
Infinity of emptiness
I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..
28 Oct 2005
I used this as my yahoo nick today and my friend said I should take it out so I don’t remind myself of it. I did but anyway will write about today.
Today I woke up feeling a deep sense of emptiness. I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Just laid there and stared into space. Couldn’t feel anything. Guess it’s the feeling of loss, feeling of feeling lost and a sudden collapse of the stress that’s been building. I spoke to a friend today and we both agree sometimes we just need to face the pain before we pick it up and go on.
The other day, a friend told me “Somehow I get the feeling you have not been very happy these few years.” That’s coming from a friend who doesn’t see me often. I think this morning I just felt the whole weight of the past 3 years fell on me. Recent developments remind me a lot of a similar period about 1 year plus ago. How things started from one or two areas and spiraled downwards. My spiritual teacher said with no knowledge about my life that, april and may this year was my best time. Looking back, she is right. It was the best time of this year that I could remember…when I was on top of the world in every area and everything felt right. At that time, I thought maybe after 2 years plus of up and down, maybe some form of rightness was in my life finally.
And you wonder how can something so right turn so wrong.
Sometimes I think and wonder, I have a big responsibility for how things have turned out these few years. Some people like to blame others. I don’t. It ends up me blaming myself instead. In case those in the know are wondering, I am talking about things in general and no I am not moping about the personal life bit. Decisions that maybe I should have taken or not done. But then again, what’s done been done. No point regretting. Without these little turns I think I wouldn’t learnt a lot of things, met a lot of people. Would I choose to go through everything again? Some yes, some no. Some I’d rather forget that it ever happened. But since they have happened, everything becomes something I cherish as part of life.
A friend asked..”Have you ever felt pain that is so intense you feel your heart squeeze?” Yes I have. You can almost hear it gasping for air. You almost feel like you need to hold your heart. But at least you can feel it. I felt it when I lost love. It seems like love doesn’t trust me but then again I don’t trust it either. It’s there, I know it but for now, our paths are not the same.
But, have you ever felt like you can’t feel anything? Like if you reach in, you will find nothing. It’s like your heart was completely eaten or broken that even if you wanted to, it’s not there for you to feel it. You can feel a tugging feeling, you can feel tears flow, but yet it’s so great that you can’t find words to describe it. I used to think that maybe people who have experienced pain will know how to cherish things better but I was wrong.
I think a great part is self disappointment. Loss makes me feel sad but I think self disappointment is the one that really hit me after everything. Maybe I expect too much of myself, but then again, I believe one should expect greatness of oneself if one is to be great. No goals, no results. And again, no I am not just talking about personal life stuff… If I am right, my friends who are reading this may think it’s due to a particular matter but I lost something yesterday that made me feel this way.
As I look back, the last time when I felt this, when I felt I lost a lot, I realized it prepared me for more things to come. I think, if I survived that, I can survive this. In trading terms, it’s like a retracement in an uptrend. Maybe I have to lose everything before I can pick up things to come.
But then again..No I did not lose everything. I am fortunate to have friends who care. Friends who ask me to smile, drive down to eat with me when they knew I was down, gave me flowers in the middle of the night so that I can feel happier. For that, I thank and appreciate you. It makes me feel very blessed and loved.
And in the fashion of ending things on a good note, I don’t know what to do but I know somehow I know I will make it. If there’s one thing I learnt over the last 3 years is that.. I am a survivor..not a good one and a slow one, but definitely one.
28 Oct 2005
I used this as my yahoo nick today and my friend said I should take it out so I don’t remind myself of it. I did but anyway will write about today.
Today I woke up feeling a deep sense of emptiness. I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Just laid there and stared into space. Couldn’t feel anything. Guess it’s the feeling of loss, feeling of feeling lost and a sudden collapse of the stress that’s been building. I spoke to a friend today and we both agree sometimes we just need to face the pain before we pick it up and go on.
The other day, a friend told me “Somehow I get the feeling you have not been very happy these few years.” That’s coming from a friend who doesn’t see me often. I think this morning I just felt the whole weight of the past 3 years fell on me. Recent developments remind me a lot of a similar period about 1 year plus ago. How things started from one or two areas and spiraled downwards. My spiritual teacher said with no knowledge about my life that, april and may this year was my best time. Looking back, she is right. It was the best time of this year that I could remember…when I was on top of the world in every area and everything felt right. At that time, I thought maybe after 2 years plus of up and down, maybe some form of rightness was in my life finally.
And you wonder how can something so right turn so wrong.
Sometimes I think and wonder, I have a big responsibility for how things have turned out these few years. Some people like to blame others. I don’t. It ends up me blaming myself instead. In case those in the know are wondering, I am talking about things in general and no I am not moping about the personal life bit. Decisions that maybe I should have taken or not done. But then again, what’s done been done. No point regretting. Without these little turns I think I wouldn’t learnt a lot of things, met a lot of people. Would I choose to go through everything again? Some yes, some no. Some I’d rather forget that it ever happened. But since they have happened, everything becomes something I cherish as part of life.
A friend asked..”Have you ever felt pain that is so intense you feel your heart squeeze?” Yes I have. You can almost hear it gasping for air. You almost feel like you need to hold your heart. But at least you can feel it. I felt it when I lost love. It seems like love doesn’t trust me but then again I don’t trust it either. It’s there, I know it but for now, our paths are not the same.
But, have you ever felt like you can’t feel anything? Like if you reach in, you will find nothing. It’s like your heart was completely eaten or broken that even if you wanted to, it’s not there for you to feel it. You can feel a tugging feeling, you can feel tears flow, but yet it’s so great that you can’t find words to describe it. I used to think that maybe people who have experienced pain will know how to cherish things better but I was wrong.
I think a great part is self disappointment. Loss makes me feel sad but I think self disappointment is the one that really hit me after everything. Maybe I expect too much of myself, but then again, I believe one should expect greatness of oneself if one is to be great. No goals, no results. And again, no I am not just talking about personal life stuff… If I am right, my friends who are reading this may think it’s due to a particular matter but I lost something yesterday that made me feel this way.
As I look back, the last time when I felt this, when I felt I lost a lot, I realized it prepared me for more things to come. I think, if I survived that, I can survive this. In trading terms, it’s like a retracement in an uptrend. Maybe I have to lose everything before I can pick up things to come.
But then again..No I did not lose everything. I am fortunate to have friends who care. Friends who ask me to smile, drive down to eat with me when they knew I was down, gave me flowers in the middle of the night so that I can feel happier. For that, I thank and appreciate you. It makes me feel very blessed and loved.
And in the fashion of ending things on a good note, I don’t know what to do but I know somehow I know I will make it. If there’s one thing I learnt over the last 3 years is that.. I am a survivor..not a good one and a slow one, but definitely one.
I’m OK
I haven't been able to blog cos the stupid server doesn't allow me to so this post was meant to be written many days ago..
7 Oct 2005
I think the other day things just fell over the cliff and fell into place. I think end of the day, I just want to find peace with myself. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in a while. I feel better to deal with certain issues, some of which I may not have been ok with before. Today is again a personal post, no column like stuff.
First I wanna share something a friend showed me..it's off a tv series called The L Word..good show that one.. it goes like :
"I lift my glass, to caring, kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then I wish you forgiveness." .."When everything is impossible, try forgiveness"... I like this statement..To me, this is a simple yet profoundly difficult thing to do.
To you, if you ever see this though I doubt you will… I think one of our major problems is our slow ability to clear and understand each other’s expectations. I noticed everytime it came to a critical point, it just gets glossed over and it becomes a boil that eventually bursts and make us even more upset. At the start, it was like that. At the end, it was like that. Even with my “proposal” after, we never really discussed on how best to manage the situation so that it is stress free for us both. As a result, sometimes I got confused on how to approach you or whether I would create any misunderstandings if I did. If properly managed, could be quite fun actually ha ha.
Now for some clearing of old skeletons in the closet first. Spring cleaning is always good.
There are times I wondered what if that fateful msn conversation that started the whole string of events never happened? What would be the situation today? Where would we have gone from there? Will we still be "together"? Would we have been happy? What was so hard because it happened so suddenly right at the peak of things? Too many what ifs that seriously plagued me for a while. I wondered why is it I had to accept a decision of which I can't even fight, based on worries that haven't happened, didn't knew what had happened in the past and maybe not committed by me? Like I said before, two people not being able to be together is not a sad thing. It is when two people actually liked each other (then at least) and can't be together due to misunderstandings or circumstances. I don't like to leave what ifs in my life because regret sticks for a long time. They will be things I will never know because I know you will never say. I hate to assume and I think that was one downfall too- too many assumptions on both ends. One of the gals actually said if we could both just turn a little, maybe we will see each other a lot more and things may turn out much better.
There are a few things that I stick by from beginning to today. There are a few actually. One would be that it was never an issue of mistrust from me to you. From beginning right to the end, I never doubted or wanted to interrogate you. From the first time I sent you off to your meeting with your gal fren, you won my trust and I never looked back. That was not easy, given my little faith in men (if you remember). The next thing is that the divide between us was a thin yet wide one. It was so easy to save because the situation itself was easy. It was the old baggage that made it hard. You mentioned before you are glad we found each other at this point of our lives. I used to wish you could have more faith in that statement but maybe it would be better if we had met at a time when old baggage didn't matter anymore. I saw the possible rainbow after the storm but you saw the possible wreckage. When I tried alternative means of communicating because you didn't want to talk, it turned out I was giving the impression of forcing you. Strange I thought then, cos I had always told you you didn't need to respond neither did I question you for not replying. It is so strange how things can be perceived in such different ways...it's almost like a comedy of errors.
You asked me how I could forgive and forget. It's never easy. I gave you my answer and you thought I was trying to change you. As a special note..To ladies, never sit around hoping for a man to change. It's good if he does for you but frankly, it'll probably never happen. This is something I learnt from 3 years ago. Moreover, if you can't accept a man's package as he is and hope to change him, why not just find any Tom, Dick or Harry and tailor him to your tastes. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache. And to you, as unbelievable as it may seem, I liked you the way you were and I was not asking for more..be it time, affection and so on. I had a feeling and I just wanted to know if I was right or wrong. Probably hard to picture but yeah, I chose a bad way of communicating that. My bad.
It hadn't been easy, but I have finally decided to let all the question marks lay to rest and may they rest in peace. You say you wanna have someone to blame..I wished I could because that would have made things so easy but deep down I can't. It taught me good things on faith and space. If you tell me that talking is hard for you, coming this far to write this was hard for me. Coming to lay these questions to rest was hard.
That is why it took me so long to have that conversation with you the other day because I wanted to know for sure it was not lip service but something that came out of not just my head but heart as well. I wanted to do it when I knew for sure I had sorted out my priorities and stance on things. This is why I did the talking because relying on someone else to do it simply means I am not being honest about it because I can't even deal with it personally. This is why I talked to you and why I smsed u after - all personally and not through someone else. Sincerity remember? :P
I believe even more strongly than before, keep things simple. Whatever I told you, suggested to you, just take it as it is. I don't have the intention or capacity to window dress things. Believing or not is entirely up to you now.
7 Oct 2005
I think the other day things just fell over the cliff and fell into place. I think end of the day, I just want to find peace with myself. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in a while. I feel better to deal with certain issues, some of which I may not have been ok with before. Today is again a personal post, no column like stuff.
First I wanna share something a friend showed me..it's off a tv series called The L Word..good show that one.. it goes like :
"I lift my glass, to caring, kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then I wish you forgiveness." .."When everything is impossible, try forgiveness"... I like this statement..To me, this is a simple yet profoundly difficult thing to do.
To you, if you ever see this though I doubt you will… I think one of our major problems is our slow ability to clear and understand each other’s expectations. I noticed everytime it came to a critical point, it just gets glossed over and it becomes a boil that eventually bursts and make us even more upset. At the start, it was like that. At the end, it was like that. Even with my “proposal” after, we never really discussed on how best to manage the situation so that it is stress free for us both. As a result, sometimes I got confused on how to approach you or whether I would create any misunderstandings if I did. If properly managed, could be quite fun actually ha ha.
Now for some clearing of old skeletons in the closet first. Spring cleaning is always good.
There are times I wondered what if that fateful msn conversation that started the whole string of events never happened? What would be the situation today? Where would we have gone from there? Will we still be "together"? Would we have been happy? What was so hard because it happened so suddenly right at the peak of things? Too many what ifs that seriously plagued me for a while. I wondered why is it I had to accept a decision of which I can't even fight, based on worries that haven't happened, didn't knew what had happened in the past and maybe not committed by me? Like I said before, two people not being able to be together is not a sad thing. It is when two people actually liked each other (then at least) and can't be together due to misunderstandings or circumstances. I don't like to leave what ifs in my life because regret sticks for a long time. They will be things I will never know because I know you will never say. I hate to assume and I think that was one downfall too- too many assumptions on both ends. One of the gals actually said if we could both just turn a little, maybe we will see each other a lot more and things may turn out much better.
There are a few things that I stick by from beginning to today. There are a few actually. One would be that it was never an issue of mistrust from me to you. From beginning right to the end, I never doubted or wanted to interrogate you. From the first time I sent you off to your meeting with your gal fren, you won my trust and I never looked back. That was not easy, given my little faith in men (if you remember). The next thing is that the divide between us was a thin yet wide one. It was so easy to save because the situation itself was easy. It was the old baggage that made it hard. You mentioned before you are glad we found each other at this point of our lives. I used to wish you could have more faith in that statement but maybe it would be better if we had met at a time when old baggage didn't matter anymore. I saw the possible rainbow after the storm but you saw the possible wreckage. When I tried alternative means of communicating because you didn't want to talk, it turned out I was giving the impression of forcing you. Strange I thought then, cos I had always told you you didn't need to respond neither did I question you for not replying. It is so strange how things can be perceived in such different ways...it's almost like a comedy of errors.
You asked me how I could forgive and forget. It's never easy. I gave you my answer and you thought I was trying to change you. As a special note..To ladies, never sit around hoping for a man to change. It's good if he does for you but frankly, it'll probably never happen. This is something I learnt from 3 years ago. Moreover, if you can't accept a man's package as he is and hope to change him, why not just find any Tom, Dick or Harry and tailor him to your tastes. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache. And to you, as unbelievable as it may seem, I liked you the way you were and I was not asking for more..be it time, affection and so on. I had a feeling and I just wanted to know if I was right or wrong. Probably hard to picture but yeah, I chose a bad way of communicating that. My bad.
It hadn't been easy, but I have finally decided to let all the question marks lay to rest and may they rest in peace. You say you wanna have someone to blame..I wished I could because that would have made things so easy but deep down I can't. It taught me good things on faith and space. If you tell me that talking is hard for you, coming this far to write this was hard for me. Coming to lay these questions to rest was hard.
That is why it took me so long to have that conversation with you the other day because I wanted to know for sure it was not lip service but something that came out of not just my head but heart as well. I wanted to do it when I knew for sure I had sorted out my priorities and stance on things. This is why I did the talking because relying on someone else to do it simply means I am not being honest about it because I can't even deal with it personally. This is why I talked to you and why I smsed u after - all personally and not through someone else. Sincerity remember? :P
I believe even more strongly than before, keep things simple. Whatever I told you, suggested to you, just take it as it is. I don't have the intention or capacity to window dress things. Believing or not is entirely up to you now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
